Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 15.

 Airi came to my bed last night. I was worried about hurting her because she is still bruised from her fall but she said she had waited long enough and would bed me. I felt myself blushing furiously, embarrassed at how badly I ached for her touch, at how my body responded to the thought of that touch. I was glad of the dark although she must have felt the heat in my cheeks when she kissed me. 

In the dead of night, she whispered to me that she would have us stay in each other's arms forever and my heart stopped. If I had not been lying down, I would have swooned. I bit down on my lower lip to suppress the sob I felt rising in my chest. I so wanted to believe her. I would be content to lie here with her until the end of time ... I played with her hair, wrapping it around my finger over and over again as I whispered back that I would also have us stay here forever. She pulled herself up at that, her weight on one elbow and in the dim light of the guttering night lantern, I could just about see her looking at me intently.

"You do not sound as though you want that..." she said softly. "in fact, you sound as though you would rather eat glass than have me in your bed at this moment..." 

She may as well have stabbed me with a piece of that glass. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees. I tried to look at her and say what I was feeling but instead, I cried. Eventually, I managed to explain how afraid I was of how she made me feel. That I felt confused about strongly I had come to feel about her and that I worried about why she wanted me when she could have anyone. 

"I could have anyone" she murmured "but I do not want anyone. I want you. Your voice makes me weak at the knees and your eyes make me want to drown in them. Your beauty is fragile and your heart is wild. You are like a swallow spiralling on the evening winds and I would fly with you. I want nothing you are not prepared to give and I know it has been fast between us but my soul felt incomplete when I left Dying Crane without you by my side."

And then she kissed me. 

And in the dark, I heard her name in the icy wind and I knew she was for me...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 14.

 Yoshida and his men found the horse this morning. I could not believe it. I felt as if a weight had been lifted, so enormous was the relief. I must admit, I had anticipated Airi's pack being a small bag but it was a sizeable leather trunk which had fallen from the horse's back and had been dragged along in the snow and mud. Yoshida said the weight of it was probably what had prevented the horse from bolting and had it been lighter, we may never have retrieved it. 

The trunk itself is all but ruined. It is battered and somehow it has holes in it. Airi's clothes were soaked and dirty; the maids will have an awful job trying to restore some of the silk, if they are even able to revive it at all. I felt a pang of guilt at hoping they can mend the red gown she wore the day she first made love to me; I would very much like to see her wearing it again. My cheeks feel hot and my heart beats just a little faster at the thought of her in that silk.

Airi burst into tears when she opened the trunk and found that her cosmetics case had split open. Some of her powders were all over her gowns but what made her cry was the sight of her hand mirror which had smashed. There were tiny fragments of glass everywhere and the delicate wooden frame had a huge gash in it. It had been a gift from a good friend, she said. She had had it for many years and was all but inconsolable at the sight of it in ruins. I felt horrible at the sight of her with it in her lap, sobbing over her loss. I wondered if it was more than the mirror she mourned and I pleaded with her not to cry. I told her that I would search the entire Kingdom if I had to but I would find someone who could mend it. I do not know why I said it. No one could put the pieces back together unless they had some sort of magic...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 13.

 I awoke screaming from another blood-soaked nightmare. Airi did her best to calm me but in my fright, I did not recognise her and could not remember where I was. It took Airi and Atsuko to restrain me so that I did not run out into the night. The dream was fragmented, terrifying in its lack of cohesion. I recall little of it now except for the skin-crawling terror which overwhelmed me. It was the first time in several nights that my sleep has been so disturbed and I do not know what caused it. 

I feel so tired. No.. more than tired. Exhausted. Again. This feeling is so familiar; it is like an old family friend who has outstayed their welcome but keeps returning nonetheless. I wish I could sleep and wake feeling refreshed. I wish I could sleep and wake feeling like I had slept... I have been afraid to go back to sleep since and now my eyes are burning but I know that if I succumb, I will simply wake screaming again and I am humiliated enough that Airi has seen me in such a state. 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 10.

 There was a break in the weather earlier today. The snow stopped for a while and I had Yoshida send soldiers out to look for the horse straight away. He was unimpressed but I told him again, that I had the utmost confidence in him. Airi looked shamefaced and apologised profusely but I would hear none of it. That horse must be found. 

They returned without the horse.

I am furious. I know it is not their fault they did not find it but I cannot have it wandering around out there with Airi's precious things. I am slightly less concerned about the letters now that I  know who has sent them but I still want them. Atsuko says I am being unreasonable, of course. I told her that I will go out myself and find the wretched creature if that is what it takes to get it back. She was unimpressed. Well, she has been unimpressed with me many, many times before I do not doubt that she will be again.

Airi did not know where to look and I did feel faintly guilty for putting her in the middle of it when I know she feels at fault but I know only too well how it feels to be thrown from a horse. I do not blame her. But that does not change the fact that I want that horse back.

Another group of soldiers will go out shortly. They will search in a different direction and I hope beyond hope that they find it.

Airi is still in pain although her bruises have started to recede. They are no longer quite as livid and the swelling has come down somewhat. I hope she will feel up to talking a short walk before long. We have been playing cards and she asked me to sing for her this morning. I did not really feel like it but I  managed to muster a few of her favourite songs before I pled fatigue. We talked of nothing consequential but being in her presence felt warm. I only wish I had the courage to ask her how she sees us... 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 9.

 General Yoshida questioned Airi today about the route she took to get here. He does not feel inclined to send his men out on a fool's errand when they should be here, protecting the Lady of the House, he says. Intellectually, I quite understand him but I will have that horse recovered if the entire cohort has to spend the next month looking for it. Losing Airi's pack is not an option. She says she does not mind losing her personal effects but in her position, I would feel their loss most grievously. Airi says they are only things but I know she is uncomfortable about not having her own combs and hair pins. I will get them back for her. Along with those letters. 

I was afraid to ask her who sent them, fearing that I would hear the worst and she would confirm that she is indeed in league with Shigeru... I avoided mentioning them until she related an amusing anecdote about meeting Seira at Silent Thunder. Apparently, Kaede organised some sort of reception for Airi and her troupe at which Seira got herself rather drunk; seven sheets to the wind, as Airi put it. At some point during the evening, Airi had expressed her intention to return to Dying Crane for the winter at which, Seira, displaying an uncharacteristic lack of inhibition, had thrown herself on Airi's neck and begged her to bring me correspondence. She had refused to let go until Airi agreed. When she did, according to Airi, Seira launched into a dreadful rendition of a bawdy poem and did some sort of dance around the room. All while Kaede pretended that nothing was amiss. 

I have no idea what Seira is doing at Silent Thunder. I had not thought that she and Kaede were particular friends but I suppose I will find out when I read the letter. 

There is another letter from Kaede, which apparently arrived at the House after I left and the Diplomats entrusted to Airi; she says Kaede's seal was intact and the Diplomats did not suggest it contained anything of consequence. How would they know if they have not read it... I cannot imagine why Kaede has written to me but I will have to wait until Airi's pack is recovered, to find out.

General Yoshida is not hopeful that his men will find the horse but I told him that I have the utmost confidence that they will. From which I hope he understood that his men had better not return without it. I will no doubt regret that stance if something untoward does happen while they are gone, but in this moment, that pack is the only thing I care about.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 7.

Riko came to tell me that Airi was weeping and would not stop. She and Atsuko had been talking for a while before Atsuko went to oversee the preparations for the evening meal. Once she was alone, Airi had started to cry and would not be comforted. I still did not want to talk to her; the anger I felt still coursed through my veins but I knew I could not avoid her indefinitely and I knew Riko would irritate me by continuing to nag if i did not... 

I forced myself to the door of the room we are sleeping in, where I stopped and pressed my forehead against the cool wooden frame. I could not go in. I stood outside listening to Airi sobbing quietly and I felt my rage ebb away, replaced by an ache in my heart at the sound of her in pain. I went to her then; I knelt by her and took her hands in mine. She leaned against me, pressing her face into my shoulder but said nothing for a long while. When her tears finally stopped, she told me that she was sorry and that if she had known she would be putting me in danger, she would not have come. I tried to wrap my arms around her but she winced and cried out. 

I had been right when I thought she may have fallen from a horse. Apparently, she had lost her way once the snow storms started and at some point, the horse she rode had taken fright and reared. She had fallen and when she tried to calm the horse and mount him again, he had bucked and clipped her shoulder with his hoof. The force of the blow sent her barrelling into a tree and she had lost consciousness. She does not know how long she lay in the snow and she has no idea how she managed to get up and walk here. When the soldiers found her, she had fallen several times more and felt disorientated and exhausted. She was about to lie down in the snow and give up.

She started to cry again when she told me that she had failed to keep a promise to deliver letters to me. They were in her pack which was gone with the horse along with her Solstice gift for me.  

Since holding her was out of the question without causing her pain, I made her lie down and put a soft cushion underneath her shoulder and then I held her hand until she slept again.

I have told Atsuko that the soldiers must find that horse. I do not know yet who has sent me letters but I am sure that I do not want them falling into the wrong hands. Anyone could find the horse and go through Airi's things. Anyone... 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 6.

 When Airi woke, she seemed utterly bemused by my distress at her knowing where to find me. The Diplomats, apparently had given her my whereabouts when she turned up at the House looking for me. I am furious. FURIOUS. How dare they tell anyone where I am?! Heads will roll when I do return to the House. What was the point in fleeing the House if they are going to tell anyone with a sob story where I have gone?! Of course this has served only to increase my anxiety tenfold. If the Diplomats have told Airi where I am, who else have they told?

I want to be happy to see her. I want to lie in her arms for sticks on end but I am SO ANGRY. I cannot. She does not understand and I am so incensed that I cannot have a conversation with her. I have told Atsuko to deal with her because if I speak to her, I will say things I regret and I will ruin whatever it is that we have together. I do not want to do that. I know it is not her fault but I cannot change how I feel. I cannot rid myself of the crawling feeling on my skin, the dread which consumes me or the memory of the things he did. Airi finding me so very easily has brought all of that back because I know that if she can find me, so can he...

I broke several koto strings and ruined a set of brushes trying to distract myself from this fury before I calmed myself enough to put my thoughts on parchment. I will have to speak to her eventually, I suppose but for now, I will stay here in solitude and try to calm down.