Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 16. Postscript.

 I decided that I would try to talk to Airi again this afternoon but when I went to find her, she was kneeling over her trunk, sobbing. 

I asked her whatever was the matter and wordlessly, she held out some paper . It was a crumpled mess but I could see the seals of Pale Twilight and Silent Thunder. The letters... I had forgotten about them in my concern for her and then because of my preoccupation with what passed between us. There appeared to be a third, too, with a seal I did not recognise. She told me that she had forgotten she had the third. She had meant to give it to me when she arrived at Dying Crane the first time but she had been carrying it around for so long that she did not remember... 

I did not understand why the letters would make her cry and she said that she had ruined them. She had made a promise to bring them to me and they were ruined. I could not believe that there was nothing more to it than that. It was not her fault. I took them from her gently and said that it did not matter but she would not be consoled. 

I knelt with her until the crying stilled and then held out a hand to her to help her up. We went into the main room together and I attempted to salvage the letters. I was able to get the gist of Seira's letter although it appears that she was either very drunk when she wrote it or she never learned to write properly... I handed it straight to Atsuko sighing heavily. Seira does not intend to return to Dying Crane. She says is disappointed that she has failed to be of help to me and she is sorry. So now I must find another way to manage my House. I thought she was my friend... but evidently, I was wrong...

Kaede's letter was stranger. It was difficult to decipher due to smudges and water damage but it seems that she has written to all of the Houses to express concern that Rani is not who she says she is. Rani... her visit seems like it was aeons ago; I barely remember it although I am sure that if I leaf through the pages of my journal from that time, I will have written something about her. I gave that to Atsuko as well. I am uncertain how I should proceed.

Finally, I turned over the third letter; despite being carried around by Airi for months on end and then being soaked in the ruined trunk, the seal was still intact save for the tiniest chip in the deep green wax but I did not recognise the crescent design at all. I felt anxious about opening it; afraid of what I might read in it. What if it Shigeru were masquerading as someone else...? What if he had simply designed a new seal for himself so that he could send anonymous threats...? I felt my head spinning and my breath coming shallowly. Eventually, after staring at it for some time, I handed it to Atsuko muttering that I could not... 

After a few fractions of a stick, Atsuko handed it back to me, grinning. Broken Rampart, she said.

Broken Rampart. He had not forgotten me  and he had not abandoned me after all. He wrote that he is well and he had uncovered some of the information he had been seeking although he did not say what. He said he hoped to return to Dying Crane and offered good wishes for my health and so on... 

I looked at Airi, questioning how she had come by a letter from Broken Rampart and was flabbergasted to discover that they were great friends. They had been in a relationship for a brief time before Airi decided to pursue music properly. They do not see each other often due to their itinerant lifestyles but they remain close in spirit. He had been in Laughing Spider's Lands when she performed there last and had asked her to get the letter to me.

It was as if the gods had finally said their piece. The one friend I had trusted with my darkest secrets had sent me another... When my eyes welled with tears, they were from happiness for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 16.

 It was difficult to talk to Airi today. I felt awkward about what I had said in the middle of the night. I do not like feeling so vulnerable and as the vestiges of early morning mist crept across the lawns and dissipated, I wondered if she had really meant it when she said her heart was mine.

I fretted and paced for most of the morning and our conversation over the mid-day meal was superficial and meaningless. I wanted to tell her that my heart would belong to her until the end of time, that I can barely breathe when she smiles at me and that when she sings, my knees turn to water but every time I opened my mouth to say those things, my throat tightened and my cheeks flushed. 

Atsuko finally decided to take matters in hand and asked me what on earth was the matter. When I told her what Airi had said, she smiled broadly and said she was happy that I had found a kindred spirit at last. Can that be true? She said I should just enjoy spending time with Airi and see what happens... I wish I knew how to do that...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 15.

 Airi came to my bed last night. I was worried about hurting her because she is still bruised from her fall but she said she had waited long enough and would bed me. I felt myself blushing furiously, embarrassed at how badly I ached for her touch, at how my body responded to the thought of that touch. I was glad of the dark although she must have felt the heat in my cheeks when she kissed me. 

In the dead of night, she whispered to me that she would have us stay in each other's arms forever and my heart stopped. If I had not been lying down, I would have swooned. I bit down on my lower lip to suppress the sob I felt rising in my chest. I so wanted to believe her. I would be content to lie here with her until the end of time ... I played with her hair, wrapping it around my finger over and over again as I whispered back that I would also have us stay here forever. She pulled herself up at that, her weight on one elbow and in the dim light of the guttering night lantern, I could just about see her looking at me intently.

"You do not sound as though you want that..." she said softly. "in fact, you sound as though you would rather eat glass than have me in your bed at this moment..." 

She may as well have stabbed me with a piece of that glass. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees. I tried to look at her and say what I was feeling but instead, I cried. Eventually, I managed to explain how afraid I was of how she made me feel. That I felt confused about what there was between us and how quickly we had gone from meeting to ... whatever this... was... I blurted out that she could have anyone in any of the Nine Kingdoms and I so badly wanted to be more than a plaything to her ... I hesitated then; afraid that I had said far too much and I felt my stomach churning with anxiety about what she might say. 

She leaned close and put her hand on my cheek, turning my face to hers. I record here the words she said to me because I never, ever want to forget them:

It has been fast between us but the first time I saw you, I knew that my heart would never be still again until we were one.  When you sang to me, I felt as if I were made from water and fire at the same time. My soul felt incomplete when I had to leave Dying Crane without you by my side. Your beauty is fragile and your heart is wild. You are like a swallow spiralling on the evening winds and I would fly with you if you would let me. 

And then she kissed me and it was my turn to feel as if I were made from water and fire at the same time. In the dead of night, the gods whispered her name on the wind again and I dared to believe that they had given her to me.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 14.

 Yoshida and his men found the horse this morning. I could not believe it. I felt as if a weight had been lifted, so enormous was the relief. I must admit, I had anticipated Airi's pack being a small bag but it was a sizeable leather trunk which had fallen from the horse's back and had been dragged along in the snow and mud. Yoshida said the weight of it was probably what had prevented the horse from bolting and had it been lighter, we may never have retrieved it. 

The trunk itself is all but ruined. It is battered and somehow it has holes in it. Airi's clothes were soaked and dirty; the maids will have an awful job trying to restore some of the silk, if they are even able to revive it at all. I felt a pang of guilt at hoping they can mend the red gown she wore the day she first made love to me; I would very much like to see her wearing it again. My cheeks feel hot and my heart beats just a little faster at the thought of her in that silk.

Airi burst into tears when she opened the trunk and found that her cosmetics case had split open. Some of her powders were all over her gowns but what made her cry was the sight of her hand mirror which had smashed. There were tiny fragments of glass everywhere and the delicate wooden frame had a huge gash in it. It had been a gift from a good friend, she said. She had had it for many years and was all but inconsolable at the sight of it in ruins. I felt horrible at the sight of her with it in her lap, sobbing over her loss. I wondered if it was more than the mirror she mourned and I pleaded with her not to cry. I told her that I would search the entire Kingdom if I had to but I would find someone who could mend it. I do not know why I said it. No one could put the pieces back together unless they had some sort of magic...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 13.

 I awoke screaming from another blood-soaked nightmare. Airi did her best to calm me but in my fright, I did not recognise her and could not remember where I was. It took Airi and Atsuko to restrain me so that I did not run out into the night. The dream was fragmented, terrifying in its lack of cohesion. I recall little of it now except for the skin-crawling terror which overwhelmed me. It was the first time in several nights that my sleep has been so disturbed and I do not know what caused it. 

I feel so tired. No.. more than tired. Exhausted. Again. This feeling is so familiar; it is like an old family friend who has outstayed their welcome but keeps returning nonetheless. I wish I could sleep and wake feeling refreshed. I wish I could sleep and wake feeling like I had slept... I have been afraid to go back to sleep since and now my eyes are burning but I know that if I succumb, I will simply wake screaming again and I am humiliated enough that Airi has seen me in such a state. 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 10.

 There was a break in the weather earlier today. The snow stopped for a while and I had Yoshida send soldiers out to look for the horse straight away. He was unimpressed but I told him again, that I had the utmost confidence in him. Airi looked shamefaced and apologised profusely but I would hear none of it. That horse must be found. 

They returned without the horse.

I am furious. I know it is not their fault they did not find it but I cannot have it wandering around out there with Airi's precious things. I am slightly less concerned about the letters now that I  know who has sent them but I still want them. Atsuko says I am being unreasonable, of course. I told her that I will go out myself and find the wretched creature if that is what it takes to get it back. She was unimpressed. Well, she has been unimpressed with me many, many times before I do not doubt that she will be again.

Airi did not know where to look and I did feel faintly guilty for putting her in the middle of it when I know she feels at fault but I know only too well how it feels to be thrown from a horse. I do not blame her. But that does not change the fact that I want that horse back.

Another group of soldiers will go out shortly. They will search in a different direction and I hope beyond hope that they find it.

Airi is still in pain although her bruises have started to recede. They are no longer quite as livid and the swelling has come down somewhat. I hope she will feel up to talking a short walk before long. We have been playing cards and she asked me to sing for her this morning. I did not really feel like it but I  managed to muster a few of her favourite songs before I pled fatigue. We talked of nothing consequential but being in her presence felt warm. I only wish I had the courage to ask her how she sees us... 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 9.

 General Yoshida questioned Airi today about the route she took to get here. He does not feel inclined to send his men out on a fool's errand when they should be here, protecting the Lady of the House, he says. Intellectually, I quite understand him but I will have that horse recovered if the entire cohort has to spend the next month looking for it. Losing Airi's pack is not an option. She says she does not mind losing her personal effects but in her position, I would feel their loss most grievously. Airi says they are only things but I know she is uncomfortable about not having her own combs and hair pins. I will get them back for her. Along with those letters. 

I was afraid to ask her who sent them, fearing that I would hear the worst and she would confirm that she is indeed in league with Shigeru... I avoided mentioning them until she related an amusing anecdote about meeting Seira at Silent Thunder. Apparently, Kaede organised some sort of reception for Airi and her troupe at which Seira got herself rather drunk; seven sheets to the wind, as Airi put it. At some point during the evening, Airi had expressed her intention to return to Dying Crane for the winter at which, Seira, displaying an uncharacteristic lack of inhibition, had thrown herself on Airi's neck and begged her to bring me correspondence. She had refused to let go until Airi agreed. When she did, according to Airi, Seira launched into a dreadful rendition of a bawdy poem and did some sort of dance around the room. All while Kaede pretended that nothing was amiss. 

I have no idea what Seira is doing at Silent Thunder. I had not thought that she and Kaede were particular friends but I suppose I will find out when I read the letter. 

There is another letter from Kaede, which apparently arrived at the House after I left and the Diplomats entrusted to Airi; she says Kaede's seal was intact and the Diplomats did not suggest it contained anything of consequence. How would they know if they have not read it... I cannot imagine why Kaede has written to me but I will have to wait until Airi's pack is recovered, to find out.

General Yoshida is not hopeful that his men will find the horse but I told him that I have the utmost confidence that they will. From which I hope he understood that his men had better not return without it. I will no doubt regret that stance if something untoward does happen while they are gone, but in this moment, that pack is the only thing I care about.