I ... do not know how to write down what I am feeling. My heart is at once broken and yet it is more whole than it has ever been. Yuki had ordered an evening meal for those who had arrived at White Lake. I thought food would settle my stomach so although I had no appetite, I went to the Hall. The White Lake servants attempted to ply their guests with rice wine and plum liquor; I was tempted to drink away my sorrows but I refrained, not wanting to make a bigger fool of myself than I had already. The food was plentiful and the dishes were elaborate; whole swordfish stuffed with figs and almonds, an octopus poached in liquor, chrysanthemums crystallised with sugar and spice... each dish richer than the last and I could eat nothing but plain rice and even that seemed to stick in my throat. At the hour of the bat, the monks began to roam the House chanting the traditional sutras and banging their gongs, the air was thick with incense and rather than feeling settled, I felt sicker than ever. I did not think even my pipe would make me feel well.
When it was seemly to do so, I excused myself, citing the long journey as reason for my fatigue. As I was walking down the long corridor to the guest chambers, a servant scurried past and pressed a folded piece of parchment into my hand. I looked down into my hand as I unfolded it and when I saw the characters written on it, I was overwhelmed by violent trembling and I could not move. I looked up and I saw him then, at the other end of the corridor, smirking and suddenly, I could not breathe at all. It was as if I were frozen in that moment, everything around me blurred but for Shigeru at the other end of the corridor. I stood paralysed, gasping shallowly for breath that would not come. The message fluttered to the matting beneath my feet, the inky characters stark against the sickly parchment... Dead Crane...
Soft hands gripped my arms and shoulders, tugging me to come away but I could not make my legs or feet work. All I could do was stare at Shigeru, shaking and wheezing. "My Lady... come away... " Atsuko was at my side trying to make me walk and Nanami with her at my other side. The two of them pulled me gently towards my chamber talking to me constantly in soft voices, telling me I must come away, that I was safe and that I must try to forget that he was here. How could I forget his promise to hurt me more, to kill me...? How could I forget his smug, self-satisfied grin as he watched my reaction?
I remember little then, except that I was cold and could not stop shivering. Nanami and Atsuko heaped covers over me once I was in my bed and yet it did not help. Atsuko had someone bring me tea that scalded and a hot brick for my bed but still I shivered, my teeth chattered so hard I feared they would crack. I could see nothing except Shigeru's face and my breath came so shallow I was dizzy. I could hear them murmuring urgently to one another but I felt powerless to contribute anything to the situation. I merely wanted to let go and sink into the blackness that threatened to consume me...
The two of them held me down while a physician forced some disgusting tea down my throat and yet still, I shivered. I could hear the concern in their voices as they discussed me with the physician... "so very pale..." "never seen her this bad..." "unsure what else I can do..." Let me go... I thought... I am tired of fighting... I felt myself slipping away and I was glad. I cannot remember the details of what happened, only that I felt my eyes roll back and then a disturbance in the covers; a presence in my bed. Tears wet my face and rolled slowly down my neck yet I could do nothing even though I thought that what I feared most had come to pass.
But what I feared most had not come to pass at all. A soft body pressed against mine and arms slid around me, holding me close and somewhere in the depths of my delirium, I heard a quiet voice asking my forgiveness and telling me that she would keep me warm... if I would allow it. I was hardly in a state to demur... Perhaps, whatever ailed me had, at last, worked itself out or perhaps I finally felt safe; I do not know but it was as if the warmth from her skin somehow seeped into mine and the trembling began to still.
I will not impart all that happened between us in these pages. I ... do not know how I feel about it other than... I was not afraid and I did not shrink away from her touch when it came. When I lay there afterwards, I had a sudden flash of memory... at Kaede's Rising ceremony, I had tried to kiss her. I could not say why I had done it, only that she had looked so very beautiful with her ceremonial robes and her make up and I had felt driven to press my lips to hers. Naturally she rejected me and it became more difficult than ever to even maintain cordial relations. I feel confused. I thought I was in love with Kenta and that I had wanted his touch in that tea-room months ago but now... I do not know. I do not even know her name... the maid that crept into my bed... she was gone before I could turn and see who she was.
