Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 4.

We have spent the past day or so taking tea and bathing and enjoying the unseasonable sunshine. It has been perfectly pleasant and I have felt almost relaxed. That is to say I was feeling almost relaxed until this morning... I sent Nanami and Atsuko into the nearest town in order to buy supplies for the rest of our journey; they were reluctant to leave me but I could not have either of them walking alone in a place we do not know when they cannot speak the local language. In any case, my two male retainers were here, to stand guard, so what harm could possibly befall me...? What indeed...? I do believe that there is something very wrong with me...

There is a man here; a traveller of some sort... He claims to be of Shimmering Dawn but his accent belies him. He is not of the Ninth Kingdom at all, I do not think. He is a handsome fellow in the same sort of way as Kenta; he has the same slate coloured eyes and a sardonic, lazy smile. The pale skin of northern lands and dark blonde curls that rest just above his collar. His fashions are certainly not of the Ninth Kingdom... not of the Nobility in any case... I suppose he could be a peasant and that would make matters entirely worse than they are... He has been paying me some attention since we arrived and this morning, he made his attraction to me clear in no uncertain terms. He does not know my status of course and so I cannot blame him for his lack of protocol; I should have stopped him in any case before he made a fool of himself but I did not... I allowed him to continue and tell me that he would like to bed me... even then, I did not do the correct thing and refuse him... I took it into my head that lying with him would rid me of my demons... that his toned body and confident manner would drive the memory of being in Shigeru's bed away and replace that of ...  Her... with something more... tangible... 

I think I must be deranged. How could I have possibly thought that going to bed with a complete stranger would make my problems go away...? When he kissed me, it did not fill me with disgust, it felt like it had when Kenta kissed me... nice... but that was all. There was no hunger for more of him, no flame that lit my entire body and no desire at all. When his hands moved about my body, I lay there beneath him like stone. I wanted to welcome his affections so much but I could not... his mouth stifled my sharp cries as he entered me and he took my trembling for need but there was none. The only feelings I had were of disappointment and discomfort... When he had finished, he sank back into the bed on his back and I... I gathered up my gown and on wobbling legs, stumbled back to my own room without a word. I have been crying since. I have no idea at all how to make this right.