Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 8.

I slept badly and what little sleep I had was fitful; disturbed by strange, fragmented dreams. I saw my mother floating across the floor of the Banquet Hall at Dying Crane; she spoke to me but I could not understand her. Later, I dreamt of Kenta and he too, seemed to be trying to tell me something; his mouth moved silently but I heard nothing. I woke trembling and bathed in sweat. I felt uneasy; as if I had missed something important and I found that I could not rise from my bed. I lay there a while trying to bring back my dreams as if I would somehow be able to interpret them but of course, I could not; I could barely even remember my mother's face and I realised, with regret, that I had not given my mother even the slightest thought in a considerable while. I could hardly say she was ever proud of me, precisely, but the woman I have become would surely shame her beyond her wildest imagination.

Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 7.

I do not believe there is any going back for me as far as Nanami is concerned. I have said some unforgivable things to her and as soon as we return to Dying Crane, she will leave me. I do not blame her; I would leave myself if I could. If only I had not spoken to her at all - the frosty silence between us was far better than the knowledge that she is leaving... 

Nanami has been spending all of her free time in bed with the man I encountered a few days ago. I would like to think that my upset is caused by my concern for Nanami because the man is clearly an absolute cad but in my heart, I know that it is not. I feel slighted; thrown aside for someone who is free and relaxed in his company. If I wanted him myself, I could understand my jealousy but I did not... Perhaps it is not jealousy over the man but what the pair of them represent... Will this ever end...? 

Can I never expect to be a contented, balanced person capable of living as I should...? I have not spoken to Atsuko at any great length about this but I do not need to have a conversation about it to know that she is also angry. She has every right to be angry with me except that she does not know that I was in his bed before Nanami... Perhaps I should confide in her; at least then she might not think quite so badly of my outburst.