Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 4.

I awoke in the middle of the night and did not know why. All about the house seemed quiet; I lay still for a few fractions of a stick; perhaps my dreams had woken me but when I distinctly heard the word "intruder" shouted, I felt my blood run cold. I could not move. I knew there was something I was supposed to do in an emergency, but in my panic, I could not remember what it was. 

My chest felt tight and my mouth was as dry as sun-bleached bone. After what seemed like sticks on end, Atsuko shook me, calling my name; another shout brought me to my senses and I managed to get to my feet. In the dim light of the night lantern, my eyes met Atsuko's and I saw my terror reflected in hers. I inhaled sharply and said a single word.

"Go." 

I saw Atsuko hesitate for the merest fraction of a stick but then she squeezed my forearm gently and nodded before she hurried the girls out of the room and, I hoped, up to the attic.

I was alone. Ready to meet my fate; hopeful that he would not torture me for too long before he slit my throat. I refused to meet death on my knees so I stood, trembling violently in the centre of the room and waited. 

Eventually, there was a flurry of shouting and stamping punctuated by the occasional clink of metal. I realised he was getting closer and my breath came shallower and shallower until I barely drew any air at all. I felt lightheaded and sick. 

I waited. Silence fell and I did not know if it was because all of my people were dead or because Shigeru was dead. I was too afraid to slide the doors to my room open and find out. I contemplated hiding after all but as I was considering where I could go, two of my soldiers burst into the room dragging a slight, pale figure between them.

I could not process what I saw; it was as if my mind would not allow me to see what was in front of my face. "Is he dead?" I blurted. The soldiers looked utterly confused. "MiLady...?" 

"Lord Fallen Sakura. The intruder. Is he dead?" I repeated myself slowly, afraid to hope that my soldiers may actually have prevailed. 

They looked at each other baffled and eventually one of them told me that the intruder was the individual they held up between them. "Then … not Fallen Sakura...?" They pushed the slender creature forward a little so I could see. It was a woman. As they shoved her forward, she stumbled, falling toward me and I could see her face. It was not just any woman. 

It was Airi; blue with cold and she seemed barely conscious. 

I reached for her, pulling her against me; she felt limp and icy. I heard myself shrieking her name over and over again as I rubbed her back and shoulders frantically, willing her to wake up, but she did not respond. I pulled her over to my bed and wrapped her in my down comforter and then dragged Atsuko's over her as well. I felt panic rising; the familiar knot of anxiety twisted at my insides as if it would burst through my stomach trying to get out. This might actually be worse than an attack by Shigeru himself.

I could not imagine how she had come here through the blizzards or how she even knew where I was but if I had been betrayed, I was not going to let her die before I found out who had done it. And if she had come for another reason... I certainly did not want to lose her.

She stirs. I will resume later.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 2.

The weather took a sudden turn for the worse. I am glad we took the opportunity to go outside when we did for we will be shut indoors for some days now. Overnight, the skies became icy and cruel with a blizzard which brought snow so thick and hard, it felt almost corporeal; as if the gods themselves had decided to take form and come for us. 

The soldiers on watch have their backs pressed to the walls and when they come inside, their clothes are stiff; solid with ice. I have asked the Deputy Master at Arms to consider having them watch from the inside but he insists they will not be able to identify threats as well. If they die, they will not be able to identify threats at all, I told him, but he would not be moved. 

Snow has been whipping around the house for sticks on end. Earlier today a tree cracked and fell with the weight of the snow and the strength of the wind. It brought others down with it and they have destroyed one of the outbuildings. Atsuko says I am not to worry; the building was empty. Long ago, it was used to house pigs, she says. I did not know that. I do not remember there being animals of any kind here except horses when I was little.

It does not matter. What concerns me is the loose tiles and the debris from the fallen trees. How long will it be before the wind picks it all up and hurls it at the walls of the house...? Riko does not like it. Every now and then, the wind picks up some more and Riko whimpers. She does her best to hide it but I can tell she is frightened. I have told her it is only a storm and that it will pass but it does not help. Perhaps it is the dark she is afraid of. I will ask Atsuko to try and find out. I know what it is like to be afraid all of the time and I do not want that for her. Perhaps if one of the soldiers were to look after her...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 30.

Atsuko has decided that the soldiers should stay in the main house rather than in the outbuilding they have been using as a barracks.  They had been cooking for themselves but Atsuko thinks that the maids need more to keep themselves occupied and looking after the soldiers would give them something to do. I did not disagree with her when she suggested it. It is not as if we do not have the space and I feel safer with them here. Feeding them and washing their clothes will certainly keep the girls busy if nothing else.

There has been no new snow for a few days and the temperature feels unseasonably warm; we spent some time in the grounds this morning and I was surprised to discover that there is a vegetable patch here. There are root vegetables in it. I do not know how this fact escaped me but I suppose I have never really had to concern myself with where my food comes from. Riko is oddly knowledgeable about plants and chattered on for some while about how we were preserving this and that, and how it is that they have managed to keep the frost from the leeks. She seems to have perked up greatly since she has more to do and I am glad. 

I think I will tell Atsuko to take Riko under her wing; she seems far more suited to planning menus and organising House matters than seeing to my needs.  The twins are far better at doing my hair and make up even though it takes both of them to do it. They are doing quite well; they cannot do the more elaborate ceremonial styles perfectly yet but they do seem to have an aptitude for it. Maki has not jabbed me with a hair pin in several days and Kie seems to have mastered the kohl I like to wear. Atsuko was right to choose them for me. 

If the weather continues to stay warm, perhaps I can send one of the soldiers back to the House to find out what has been happening. Atsuko says that if the worst had happened, someone would have found a way to get here and let us know. I sometimes wonder if she says these things simply to placate me; does she really think that would comfort me...? If the worst has happened, everyone will be dead or will have submitted to Fallen Sakura's rule. It will be just a matter of time before he comes for me; I have no doubt at all that the Diplomats would sell their souls if it meant saving their hides which means they would certainly tell him precisely where I am and probably escort him here for good measure.

I had thought that Shigeru would be unlikely to leave Fallen Sakura while the House prepares to celebrate the solstice but in his position, I would take Dying Crane before the solstice and use the festival as an excuse to celebrate my victory. When I give the matter any considerable thought, I am convinced that coming here was a disastrous idea.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, day 27.

 More nightmares. No beginnings, no endings, just endless blood-soaked episodes of violent intrusion on my sleep. It will not stop. I am afraid to sleep again as I was before. I am frightening the girls and the older maids are starting to look tired and jittery. I have tried to stay awake in an effort to stave off the dreams but it does not work. I do not know how much longer we can stay here, wondering about what might come. I wish I could trust that the Deputy Master at Arms and his men would stop Shigeru in his tracks but I do not believe they understand the full measure of his deviousness. 

At my insistence, Atsuko has had the maids look for a suitable hiding place. They think that the attic is probably the safest option. We will put some food and water up there and leave the ladder down permanently. At the slightest hint of trouble, they are all to run up there and pull the ladder up behind them. They are to leave me. Atsuko does not like it at all and says I should be the one to hide up there. She does not know Shigeru if she thinks that is the solution. He will rampage through the house and cut down anyone in his way if he cannot find me; I know he will. I did not read the final missive which came from his hand but I read the ones before and I know only too well what he is like when he does not get his way. 

I have started to think that perhaps taking Dying Crane was always his long term goal. Once Father died, perhaps Shigeru saw an opportunity to expand his Lands. Perhaps he hoped that Mother would one day wed him but things did not transpire as he wished ... I sound like Seira. She sees plots and deception everywhere she looks. I suppose two things can be true at the same time. In the small hours, I tried to think like her. To conceive of a plan that would simply make Shigeru go away. Could I have him eliminated...? If I did that, would the Kingdom seek to hold me to account or would they consider it a natural consequence of his behaviour and have nothing to say about it...? I do not know but I think I must contemplate this matter very seriously. Hiding from him is not going to solve this problem. He may forget about his plans in time but how long would it be before he returned to his thoughts of vengeance for the non-existent slight I have visited upon him..? This will not end until one of us is dead.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 24.

 I cannot settle. I have tried playing the koto, I have tried writing poetry and I have tried playing cards with Atsuko and the girls but nothing will occupy my mind for long enough to stop me from fretting. The gods continue to torment me while I sleep; nights are fitful and consumed by awful dreams. Nightmares are nothing new, I suppose but they seem so real. 

Last night I dreamt of Airi. 

We lay in each other's arms, caressing each other. I felt at peace and when she whispered that she loved me, my heart felt full enough to burst with the joy of it. When I opened my eyes to look into hers and smile, I realised that she held a knife to my throat. The smile on her lips turned cold and her eyes glittered with malice. I tried to escape her clutches but she knelt on the fabric of my nightgown and I was pinned to the bed. I felt my eyes burn with unshed tears and my voice cracked as I managed to whisper a single word: why? 

She raised the knife as if to plunge it into my throat and as she did, she said "Shigeru sent me".

I awoke screaming and insensible. I opened my eyes to the sight of sword-wielding soldiers surrounding my bed. According to Riko, they had stormed in when they heard me cry out. I was glad of it. At least I know they are alert. Atsuko sat with me until I had calmed down enough to tell her what my dreams had wrought; she says it is just my mind playing tricks because I am dwelling on things. It is all very well for her to say; she is not the one who has to worry.

I am being unfair. I know Atsuko does worry. She worries terribly. She tries not to show it because she does not want the twins to be afraid but she is concerned. It occurred to me that I do not want the twins to be afraid, either. I realised that I am becoming very fond of all of the sisters. Riko has a good head on her shoulders; she has the potential to become a head housekeeper one day. I wonder if that is what Atsuko has in mind. Of course there are many good candidates, all older and more experienced than Riko to take Atsuko's place when she wishes to retire but we shall see... The twins are sweet and excitable. When they are not whining, they are cheeky and fun and I feel protective of them. I did not expect that but if anything should happen to them because of me... I ... I should be quite devastated.

I have been giving that a good deal of thought today and I have concluded that if Shigeru comes for me, he will not be overly interested in the girls or Atsuko. To him, they will be an inconvenience; an obstacle to be removed in order to get what he wants. I think we must come up with an escape plan for them. Perhaps they can run and hide somewhere in the house at the first sign of an intruder. It is me he wants... I will not have anyone else suffer at his hands because of me.

Year of the Boar. Twelfth Month, Day 22. Postscript.

 I sat with the Deputy Master at Arms this afternoon. He has explained that he and the Master at Arms believe that if Shigeru does attempt a coup, it will be by stealth and not by force. They think that Shigeru is not stupid enough to mobilise the number of troops he would need to overcome the House. It would be noticed; other Houses may send their own troops and Shigeru would then find himself fighting on multiple fronts. It would not make sense. Instead, they think he is likely to try and enter the House as a visitor with a few highly trained and deadly men disguised as his retinue. They will cause chaos from within.

The Master at Arms has the perimeter of the House surrounded to make sure that Shigeru never gets close enough. They have been ordered to use deadly force if necessary. 

The Deputy Master at Arms uses the same strategy here; ensure Shigeru never gets close enough to fulfil his aim. He did point out that they both believe Shigeru will do nothing until winter is over by which time, he may well have forgotten about his deranged plans. He hesitated before adding that he had read the letter Shigeru sent and he would die before letting him touch a thread of my gown.

I suppose I must have looked quite sick at the thought because the Deputy Master at Arms put his hand gently on my forearm and told me that I could trust them and their men. I tried to muster a confident smile and thanked him but I cannot help but feel that we are all missing something... How I wish I had paid attention to strategy classes at school; Seira would be able to sort through all of this in a fraction of a stick and she would know exactly how to respond. Since she is not here, I have no choice but to try and think through it myself. If only I could do that without the unwanted images of Shigeru assailing me. I have not thought about a pipe for a while but how I wish I could have one now...