Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 19.

Lord Shigeru was extremely drunk by the time he stumbled into my chambers in the early hours of this morning... drunk and offensive. So drunk was he that he did not even bother with the usual courtesies or appeals to my vanity... he simply lurched into my bed and began to grope around in an attempt to disrobe me. It was so late when I retired that I believed I would be safe for one more night, and had not indulged in the usual pipe before an encounter with him... I shudder thinking about what happened without the weed to dull my senses and my memory. If I could go about the diplomatic affairs of the House with as much clarity as I have concerning last night, I am sure Dying Crane would be a much happier, more stable place. Even the dark did not help me - I still feel his hands and mouth about me and the stench of alcohol on his breath sickened me. I wonder if he is as inconsiderate with his wife, the Lady Ryouka... I wonder if she trembles with fear at the very sight of him... I wonder if her stomach turns when he touches her... I wonder if she recoils at his kisses... I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.... Oh.... gods... if you never help me again, please.... please help me now...
I have been called headstrong, stubborn, strong-willed, bull-headed... If I am any of those things, why... why can I not put an end to this...? What care I if Dying Crane dies... and I along with it...? What care I if I have to throw myself upon the mercies of another House...? Kenta is a good man, he would not see me destroyed and neither would Kaede, no matter what has passed between us... I know they would not...so why... why am I so powerless to stop this...? I have been vomiting since he left my rooms at dawn, my stomach lurching every time the memory of him... thrusting and stabbing at my thighs in a clumsy attempt to enter me... and I cannot rid myself of the ... unwashed feeling I have now... though I have bathed, I feel covered in a grimy film that will not lift... I do not remember it ever being this horrible before... but perhaps that is because I do not remember it... I began taking the weed after a riding accident shortly after I became Ruling Lady when I was injured quite seriously, having broken several bones, including some of my ribs... since then I suppose I have been numb to Lord Shigeru's slobbering, I have lain impassive as he has thrust and ground his way to satisfying himself... closing my eyes and allowing the opium to soothe me into a place of dreams... a place where nothing can hurt me, a place of floaty calmness, a place of nothingness...
Oh gods... I must vomit again...