Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 20.

The gods be thanked. Nanami has come back. Naturally, I have no idea what to say to her and things have been strained to say the least. Watching her interact with Atsuko has been very ... odd. They eye each other like cats stalking prey with narrowed eyes and hackles raised, tiptoeing around their catch as if waiting for the other to pounce... Crystal seems to have perked up in Nanami's presence but I cannot say that I have. Since she has been gone, I have wished for her to return but now that she has... things feel even more difficult. Perhaps something has happened to her while she has been away... I do not even know where she has been yet... I will try to speak to her alone...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 19.

Atsuko decided that it was high time I left my chamber and took a turn around my lake for some fresh air yesterday... Of course I did not want to leave my room but I did think it would be nice to breathe in the crisp Autumn air and watch the carp before they hide for the Winter so I agreed that I would go. I refused to wear the conventional make-up though and simply painted my lips scarlet and used the blackest kohl to colour my lashes and line my eyes. The effect was far more pleasing to me that the style I have been used to adopting; the traditional courtly fashions have us looking like plaster dolls rather than women and the white powder irritates. I cannot remember the last time I bothered to dye my teeth and since I no longer spend time with any of the Nobility or other Rulers, I hardly think it matters. To Atsuko's horror, I also refused point blank to put my hair up; opting instead to wear it tied at the nape of my neck with a single band. I had her find me a hairdresser who cut it into the style of days gone by with a heavy, blunt fringe across my forehead and a slightly longer layer just down to my jaw. When I looked in the glass, I saw someone new; someone I did not recognise.
It was pretty in the gardens; I caught sight of several carp gliding around in the water, given away by the air bubbles they sent up. The flowers looked glorious sitting in bushes of green that varied from very pale to very dark and I felt almost happy as I wandered through the bamboo but all too soon my anxieties overwhelmed me and I felt sick and afraid. Atsuko did her best to persuade me that all was well but I took no notice and sought refuge in the bath-house. I felt the usual desperation for a pipe but of course there was no opium to be had.
I have spent most of today wrapped in my quilts, shivering. Nanami has not come back and Atsuko's company is not the same. I feel ridiculous for having confided in Atsuko as I did and so now our conversation is limited to my orders for the day. I know it is my fault; it always is and I must make the first move to repair the damage but as usual, I cannot...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 17.

Still there has been no word from Nanami or from Broken Rampart... Crystal has continued her plaintive cheeping and seems listless and as miserable as I am. Atsuko has been in and out to oversee the maids she chose and we have talked a little but I have not felt like saying much at all. I cannot rid myself of the images Shigeru's scroll has conjured up... the Diplomats still wish me to leave the House but if I leave my chamber, he will find me. One thing is certain; I cannot and will not attend the Talks this time. Each time I close my eyes, I see the spiky characters of his writing floating behind my eyelids and I remember... at least I have stopped being sick but if I could just sleep, perhaps I would feel a little bit better.

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 16.

Gods, give me strength. I so badly want a pipe. I think about the acrid smoke rasping down my throat as I inhale and just imagining the feel of filling my lungs makes me feel a little lightheaded... I am more lucid now than I have been in many years but I am not really free of the weed at all. I suppose that it is the nature of an addict to become fixated upon what one has given up... There was a time when it would not have concerned me to admit that I am an addict... I wonder how it is that it concerns me now... I have been thinking a great deal in the past few days and it has occurred to me to consider the fact that I have been a puppet. Broken Rampart said I was a slave to the weed but it seems to me that Ituski used the opium to control me; to render me insensible.
I have spent this morning asking myself why that should be... In her place, I might have used my position to destroy the House and yet she made do with simply keeping me incapable. I cannot help but wonder why... Shigeru, too had his chance; he subdued me and though he had numerous chances to turn me, to crush me... he simply chose to bed me. Nothing makes sense to me. Is it possible that the two of them could have been working together at some sort of plot...? To what end, I cannot imagine. This is the kind of puzzle that Broken Rampart would have the skills to solve - he and Nanami but neither of them are here and there has been no word from either of them... I can only hope that Nanami returns within the next few days, Atsuko's maids are very sweet and excellent at their jobs but ... none of them are Nanami...