Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 19.

Atsuko decided that it was high time I left my chamber and took a turn around my lake for some fresh air yesterday... Of course I did not want to leave my room but I did think it would be nice to breathe in the crisp Autumn air and watch the carp before they hide for the Winter so I agreed that I would go. I refused to wear the conventional make-up though and simply painted my lips scarlet and used the blackest kohl to colour my lashes and line my eyes. The effect was far more pleasing to me that the style I have been used to adopting; the traditional courtly fashions have us looking like plaster dolls rather than women and the white powder irritates. I cannot remember the last time I bothered to dye my teeth and since I no longer spend time with any of the Nobility or other Rulers, I hardly think it matters. To Atsuko's horror, I also refused point blank to put my hair up; opting instead to wear it tied at the nape of my neck with a single band. I had her find me a hairdresser who cut it into the style of days gone by with a heavy, blunt fringe across my forehead and a slightly longer layer just down to my jaw. When I looked in the glass, I saw someone new; someone I did not recognise.
It was pretty in the gardens; I caught sight of several carp gliding around in the water, given away by the air bubbles they sent up. The flowers looked glorious sitting in bushes of green that varied from very pale to very dark and I felt almost happy as I wandered through the bamboo but all too soon my anxieties overwhelmed me and I felt sick and afraid. Atsuko did her best to persuade me that all was well but I took no notice and sought refuge in the bath-house. I felt the usual desperation for a pipe but of course there was no opium to be had.
I have spent most of today wrapped in my quilts, shivering. Nanami has not come back and Atsuko's company is not the same. I feel ridiculous for having confided in Atsuko as I did and so now our conversation is limited to my orders for the day. I know it is my fault; it always is and I must make the first move to repair the damage but as usual, I cannot...