Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 14.

Chiyo did not come to feed the bird today; instead, Atsuko slipped in sometime in the stick just after the sun rose. I saw surprise in her face when she found me awake and still in the clothes I wore yesterday which I had also been wearing the day before.  Pride is a strange thing; it will not allow me to have someone find Nanami and bring her back but it has no difficulty in letting the staff of my House see me in this state... I have plenty of tantrums, I shout and scream and throw things but rarely do I cry; this morning my eyelids are swollen to twice their usual size because I have not been able to stop. My silks are crumpled and grimy and I feel filthy but I have been too afraid to go the bath house again. Now that I know for certain he intends to come to Dying Crane to find me, I have no desire to leave my chambers where I might be found unprepared and defenceless. 

Atsuko did not bother to bow, she merely knelt beside me and sat quietly until I was ready to talk.  At first, I remained silent, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge her but eventually, I asked her how it was that I had not seen her in such a long time. She used to look after my needs often when I was a child but I could not recall having seen her for years when I gave the matter proper consideration. There was a slight raise of the eyebrows but no further expression on her face and when she did speak, it became apparent that I had no idea of Itsuki's true evil for it is she who has kept everyone away... kept me isolated here without a soul to help me except those she chose. Atsuko has filled in many of the gaps left by the weed this morning and when I cried again, she held me as she used to do, resting her chin on my head and letting me weep until there were no more tears. I told her things I could not even talk to Broken Rampart about then... about how afraid I am now that Shigeru has written to me; sick with fear that he will do as he threatens...  the disgust I feel when I look at myself in the glass... and about how I long for the weed... 

Atsuko said little other than that she would accompany me to the bath house and when I told her that I felt so tired that I could hardly bear the thought of lifting my head she left for a minute while she sent for hot water and towels and then she bathed me herself before putting me to bed. She was still there when I woke, with food which she made me eat and only then did she see to the bird. I feel a little better now, calmer and a little less afraid of what might happen. Atsuko said one more thing to me before she left to organise a selection of staff to look after me; that I should apologise to Chiyo. It is not her fault that she cannot read, nor is it her fault that I terrify her so much that she could not tell me. Atsuko also pointed out that if Chiyo had been able to read, I would still be shut up in my room wearing three day old silks... I was a little cross at that but I suppose she is right. She was always right when she advised Mother and I remember that it used to irritate Mother, too. One thing is certain - Chiyo must learn to read whether she likes it or not; I cannot have staff about me who lack the most basic of skills...