Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 2.

The Diplomats marched in this morning and informed me that the Bi-annual Talks are at Crying Orchid this time. Bi-annual Talks. I cannot imagine why they think I would even contemplate showing my face at the Talks. I lost my temper with them, naturally. One of them cried and another ran from my ante-chamber with a cut to the forehead after a contretemps with a book I had thrown and a third, well... no matter. Naturally, they insist I attend the Talks and have entreated Nanami to "speak some sense" to me. How can I possibly go and sit opposite Shigeru and talk about matters of the Kingdom? How can I go into a room with him? How can I go to the Talks knowing that everyone will be judging me, that HE is free to do whatever he pleases while I am the one who must suffer the gossip, the speculation about how I pleased him and who else I must also have been pleasing...? Gods, I cannot go... I will not... I have bitten my nails to the quick this morning, I have been sick several times and I cannot stop the shaking that assails me. I want a pipe so badly. The pale smoke snaking its way into my lungs, soothing, calming... obliterating...