Year of the Boar, Six Month, Day 28.

He has gone.  The bird sings in her cage as I pen this. Her plaintive chirping as she looks out at the garden, serves only to remind me of the space she is supposed to fill. Nanami left off her sewing sometime during the night and now she sleeps. I have had a bitter taste in my mouth for most of the night. I could not be gracious... no matter how many times I told myself that I would smile and wish him a safe journey, it was the episode with Lord Kenta all over again. I see no need to record our conversation but I could have bitten my own tongue out... I did not allow myself to cry while he was here; I sent him on his way with acerbic words and pretended that I did not care for the loss of his presence in my House. I doubt he was fooled... I... hope... he was not... Scalding tears marked my cheeks the very minute he slammed the doors to my chamber together; I clamped my jaws together and pressed my hands to my mouth so that I did not sob out loud and the pain I felt in my chest and in my throat was akin only to what I felt when Kenta left... I wished more than anything that he would return... tell me that he wouldn't go... that he understood... but in my heart, I knew that he would not... could not...
I so badly want to smoke...