Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 20.

Even my pipe does not soothe me today and I find myself curled up in the corner of my bed-chamber, wrapped in a blanket which fails to keep out the constant chill I feel of late. What little sleep I have come to expect was ravaged by nightmares; vile images of a man whose face and voice changed between Lords Shigeru and Kenta's and that of Hishinuma, seared my brain. I awoke face down on my floor bathed in sweat and felt the urge to vomit violently. Despite there being several hours until dawn, I woke my maid and demanded to be escorted to the bath house. Needless to say that she was less than impressed at being so rudely awakened, but what care I, when I give her so little to do during the day...? Of course she made to summon the servants who ready the water, scattering flower petals and scenting it, and keep the rooms where I change at an appropriate temperature. But I insisted that I needed no one, and once I was satisfied that the place was deserted, I banished even the maid and still attired in my sleeping gown, I waded into the tepid water where I sat furiously scrubbing my skin until it turned an angry shade of red...
I know not how long had passed by the time my maid ventured in but there was such a look of shock on her face that I felt frightened enough to ask what ailed her. She was reticent, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, not wanting to speak out of turn. When I pressed her however, she waded into the bath herself and with gentle hands, she helped me out and led me to the looking glass. I turned away, annoyed, but she stood firm. "My Lady" she said softly "You wanted to know what ailed me - then look at your reflection for that is what ails me." I could not see much amiss as I looked into the glass and said so, telling her imperiously to stop such nonsense or I would have her whipped. For once though, she did not throw herself at my feet and start sniveling, nor did she apologise. Instead, she pulled my hair back from my face and showed me that my collar bone stuck out and where the sopping wet sleeping gown was plastered to my skin, she showed me that my ribs were clearly visible.
"Her Ladyship has never been fat" she said quietly "But if I am to be completely frank, My Lady, you are going to make yourself extremely ill." I opened my mouth to shout at her but before I was able to get a word in edge-ways, she had started again. "Forgive me, My Lady, I say this not to hurt you, but because like the rest of the House, I worry. I understand your... distress of late. Really, I do. But this has gone far enough. Far enough." She continued "It is time for Her Ladyship to put what is past behind her. To forget and move on. It is time you started eating properly and if you will take my advice, stop smoking that pipe." I was so surprised at being spoken to thus, that I had no answer for her and when the maid told me that it was time to dress and start seeing to courtly business, I actually allowed her to lead me into my changing rooms, dry me and dress me without protest...
Later, several of the court officials petitioned me to come to my offices and begin catching up on the business I had been neglecting - inventories, grievances among peasants, maintenance and so on... of course I do not actually *do* these things myself but I must put my seal on them and approve them... It is mind-numbing, it really is... but it must be done. Since the ... incident, I have refused all of my duties saying that I feel too unwell... This morning however, when I did not arrive at my offices, the court officials brought the papers to my rooms... I was so angry, I screamed and shouted and wept for an hour but they refused to leave until I had done the work. I worked my way through a mountain of papers listlessly, not bothering to read most of them, just wanting them to go away. And after what seemed like hours, I managed to get rid of everyone and sank into a restless doze... I felt as if my privacy had been invaded, unsafe and vulnerable. Sleep defeated me once again and I lit my pipe but I was so agitated that it did not have its usual soothing effect and I felt so vexed that I crept into the corner of my rooms where I thought I might feel safer... I may take another pipe and see if a bigger dose of the weed will help me...