Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 4.

Our customs of hospitality forced me to leave my rooms this afternoon and greet a visitor. I had no wish to do so. No wish at all. After the... incident, I insisted that my rooms were moved... I had a new bed brought and replaced the pictures with new ones, nothing to remind me of... what happened. It does not work, of course, but I find some solace in knowing that I need not go back to where I was assaulted. I stayed in here where I felt safe for days on end, afraid that Shigeru had not really gone but waited to take his revenge for having been publicly humiliated by my guards. As the days passed, my fear grew. My maid tells me that I am paranoid and that there is no reason to be afraid... I tell her that I am not afraid, that I merely wish to stay here, and that as Ruling Lady I shall do as I please. She does not believe me, but she cannot argue with me...
My hands trembled violently as I tried to straighten my kimono and I shouted at the maid, reducing her to tears as she fussed with my hair. Since the visitor had been announced as an envoy from Silent Thunder, strict etiquette demanded that I be attired in full court dress to receive them. Reluctantly, I stepped over the threshold, my stomach lurching with fear even as I attempted to appear calm, my knees trembled and I barely managed to stay upright as I made my way to our Reception Rooms. Eventually, after the visitor had been kept waiting an appropriate length of time, I made my entrance, doing my best to appear imperious and distant. As I reached my plinth, I finally looked at the visitor, ready to offer the customary words of greeting, but the words deserted me as I saw that the visitor was none other than Lord Kenta. My hand fluttered at my throat as I looked at him in consternation, unable to say a thing. Had it not been for my maid coming to my rescue and pretending to have brought a message for me, coming and asking in a soft voice if tea should be served, I am sure I should have swooned.
As I knelt opposite him, in a strange parody of our time in that tea house, I made as if everything were normal. Exchanging perfunctory courtesies, offering his lordship sweetmeats and commenting on the weather. When I lifted my tea bowl to my lips, however, my hands trembled more violently and I fumbled with the earthenware. Before I could drop it, his lordship's hands were there; gently taking it from me, setting it on the table. He looked into my eyes and in his own I could see my reflection, ghostly and sickly looking, despite the finery of my attire. I also saw compassion, concern ... and ... something else to which I could not quite put a name.
It seems that word of Lord Shigeru's... impropriety... has reached the other side of the Kingdom. Indeed, according to Lord Kenta, the other Houses each sent envoys to a discussion over what was to be done with Fallen Sakura's disgraced lord. Pale Twilight, Silent Thunder, and Golden Harvest stood together in the opinion that Shigeru should be deposed and imprisoned. White Lake, Shimmering Dawn, and Crying Orchid stood together on the other side of the table, believing that my reputation preceded me and that I had manufactured the entire affair. The other Houses remained unsure and had declined to vote. In short, Shigeru remains the Ruler of his House and nothing will be done unless one of the last Houses has a change of heart... I care for none of this news. It sickens me to think that the rest of the Kingdom is gossiping and prying ... that they *know* what happened to me at all...
And Lord Kenta... Lord Kenta had actually come to ask me if I were all right... to ask me if I ailed too badly... to ask if there were anything to be done by Silent Thunder to aid me in my time of ... difficulty... and I could not bear his kindness... I drew myself up and in my haughtiest manner I told him exactly what he could do with his... aid... I sent him away... it pained me even more than the ... incident itself for my heart felt fit to break as I sent away the one person who would be a friend to me now, but I cannot bear it. I could not bear to have him always pitying me, always walking on egg shells around me, always wondering... but never able to ask... and I could not bear to have him near me, knowing that even were he to wish to bed me, I would become ill at his first touch, even though I like him... even though I ... more.... than like him... because the memory of Shigeru would always be there, lurking in the background...
Lord Kenta left in anger and I do not blame him. And so, I have returned to my rooms and I will take another pipe... perhaps the weed will soothe me...