Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 23.

I could not have imagined how much of my mind was clouded by the weed; even when I believed it was not helping me, still the lines of reality were blurred. My dreams were frightening, but they were shadows, only making me afraid because when I woke, I could remember the cause behind them. Food tasted like ash in my mouth but I could not remember any different so I thought little of it. I spilled my secrets to Lord Broken Rampart because part of me believed that I would not live, and the other part of me believed that he would go away and I would get my pipe back and I would no longer care what anyone thought of me... I see now that I was wrong on both counts; I will live... Withdrawal is painful, but not deadly and as long as his lordship and Nanami are here, the opium is gone.

These past few nights have been far worse than any I could have conceived; the shadows which used to plague my dreams with vague threats seem as real to me now as anything that I have suffered in my waking hours. I am afraid to sleep and I grow more afraid to leave my room with each passing minute, if Shigeru finds out where I have been hiding, he will come for me. I know he will. I cannot eat, the flavours and textures which assail me when I try make me feel violently sick, I have pushed everything aside of late, drinking only tea and eating a few of the sweets I loved when I was a little girl. Lord Broken Rampart has not tried to force me to eat so I have concluded that Nanami has yet to tell him that I have refused everything sent from the kitchens. They rarely leave me alone, one of them is always here, in a way it is like a prison yet it is no worse than having Itsuki here. In fact, it is far more pleasant than having Itsuki here. However, I find that I deeply regret sharing my secrets with his lordship. I still do not know why he is here. He says so little and yet I bare my very soul to him. I am afraid of what he will do with my confidences; I wish so deeply that I could trust him unreservedly for he has done nothing to deserve my distrust and yet there is a voice within me that tells me to say nothing more. A voice that urges me to keep the rest of my secrets, to resist his lordship's hand of friendship. A voice which screams at me to protect myself from any more pain. I am afraid. I am so afraid.