Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 16.
My mind seems clearer somehow... as if a veil had been lifted from before my eyes... I have been in extraordinary pain these days past. Days... It could have been weeks, I do not know, only that it seemed never ending; the pain I experienced after... after what happened, has paled, as nothing compared to what I have felt of late. I do not remember much of what has passed, only that Lord Broken Rampart has never been far from my side, neither has Nanami, my maid. It began with the ruined Hospitality. Itsuki berated me, when his lordship brought me back to my rooms, treating me to another tirade on the subject of my wanton lack of concern for my House and I lost my temper. Not a tantrum as I had thrown many times before but an absolute loss of control over my senses; I screamed at her, demanding to know why she, a mere Diplomat thought her opinion held any sway, why she thought that the Ruling Lady should bow to her wishes and then I tried to throw her out of my rooms. I could no longer see straight and my lungs seemed about to explode. Itsuki's response was to tell me coldly that I was hysterical and to deliver a blow to the side of my face with a hand that stung me into silence. And then as tears came too quickly for my liking she made her voice kinder and suggested that I was overwrought and that perhaps I needed my pipe a little earlier. And I smoked. And then I smoked some more. When I had smoked my third pipe, I finally went to that place of floaty nothingness; my body and mind protected from pain and from the fear that threatens to consume me these days. I slept fitfully and in the morning, Itsuki woke me too early and told me that she had decided it was high time I took some responsibility for my actions and that I would not be permitted to smoke my pipe in future until I had completed all the tasks she thought necessary for the day. I stared at her blankly... shaking my head slowly, could she actually be serious...? I did not believe that I could even begin the work she would wish me to do without smoking first... as I lay in bed, thinking on that, Itsuki took my stash from my chest and tucked it into her sleeve before flashing that self-satisfied smile and ordering me out of bed. Of course I refused and it was in the middle of our argument that his lordship Broken Rampart arrived, to keep his promise, he said. I felt my face heat with embarrassment as Itsuki agreed to his suggestion of a walk on my behalf. I could not... just could not leave my rooms without having my pipe first, and yet she ushered him into my antechamber and with Nanami's help actually dragged me from my bed, washing and dressing me. I struggled, practically fighting with them, which earned the reward of one of my hair pins jabbed into my scalp - Itsuki, of course; Nanami does her best to be gentle.
Stood in my antechamber, I felt the familiar nausea wash over me, and I was thankful for the make-up Itsuki had plastered over my face. Thankful that Lord Broken Rampart could not see that the colour had drained from my cheeks, and that the silks I wore hid the trembling that assailed my knees. I knew not whether it would be more humiliating to stagger back into my chamber and suffer Ituski's wrath or to go with his lordship and be overcome by panic half way around the gardens. I knew only that I very much wanted my pipe and that whatever happened next could only result in another horrible breach of etiquette and that only made me more desirous of the weed. Evidently I hesitated a moment too long, for Lord Broken Rampart looked at me askance and asked if perhaps an escort might be sensible; suggested that it might not be appropriate for me to be seen walking out with a man with whom there was no... promise. I tried to conceal my surprise, did he really think the Ruling Lady could not do exactly as she pleased...? I thought then, that perhaps the ways of his House were different, that his Lady was restricted like those of Houses of old, and I felt ashamed at being ignorant of his ways, not wanting to breach etiquette yet again, I tried to hide my confusion and murmured something about the gardens being acceptable. As I was floundering about for something further to say, Nanami came from my chamber with a wrap and made no short work of practically hustling me out into the corridor, his lordship following slightly behind. As we strayed further from my rooms, the panic within me welled, coupled with the nagging nausea that precedes a real need to smoke, fretfully I looked back at the sliding doors that separated me from the safety of my rooms several times, almost tripping over the hem of my silks as Nanami and Lord Broken Rampart continued at such a pace they could have been soldiers on a drilling exercise.
Without yielding my secrets, I did not have a way to explain my reluctance to leave the castle, so I remained silent, growing ever more anxious as we moved further and further away from my rooms. And with my anxiety came confusion; I could not remember why his lordship was here, I could not even remember who he was. Bizarre thoughts began racing around in my mind and I began to panic as I leapt to wild conclusions about Itsuki attempting to arrange a marriage on my behalf in order to get me away from Dying Crane for long enough to usurp me... I began to doubt his lordship's motives and all the while, my desperation for a pipe magnified as I wondered why Nanami had suddenly decided to help those who would harm me. When we finally reached the sliding doors that led to my private gardens, I was almost beside myself and when Nanami opened the doors and took my elbow to lead me outside, I could not stop myself from crying out that I could not go outside. I could have bitten out my own tongue, such was my mortification and my cheeks grew hot once more as Lord Broken Rampart asked what ailed me. I recall only that I was overcome by a bout of shivering as I tried to explain that it was not safe without giving my shame away. Despite my protestations, his lordship insisted not only that I would be perfectly safe but that I walk away from the castle towards my lake. I do not understand what is happening to me, that I would obey a complete stranger without much of a fuss and yet during these past weeks, he has been a constant presence, reassuring, steady and always kind. I do not know what to make of him, he has seen the very worst of me, and yet still he stays by my side, thinking only of my welfare and refusing anything in return... My first instinct was that he was a person to be trusted, yet I felt suspicious; why was he here? Who was he? And I was worried by the fact that he seemed to have befriended Itsuki. A marriage alliance seemed a very real possibility I thought, and might well account for his attentiveness to me... all of these thoughts and more that I could not even express coherently, rambled around in my mind as we walked further and further still from the castle. My stomach hurt and and to add to my anxiety, I felt unnaturally cold , and my most prevalent concern was how I was going to get hold of my weed.
By the time we reached the lake, I had begun to shiver quite violently. Nanami's wrap failed to keep out the chill and soon I found his lordship's cloak about my shoulders and myself being helped onto one of the bamboo benches at the edge of the lake. I remember thinking vaguely about a time when I had come here, to my lake, to feed the carp and enjoy the flowers and birds. A time when I had never heard of opium and the beautiful garden had been my solace as I mourned for my Mother. A time before Itsuki had taken over my tutelage. Before the horse riding accident that had threatened my life. It was as I sat on that bench trying to remember when it was that I stopped coming out here that Lord Broken Rampart began to talk. He told me that he knew I was afraid and he would know why. I put my feet on the edge of the bench and drew my knees to my chest, my voice was harsher than I intended it to be as I told him that it was nothing. He did not believe me of course, but instead of pursuing the subject, he asked me how long I had been smoking opium. My sense of confusion grew as I wondered how he had discovered one of my secrets and I felt ashamed at the thought that he may have been discussing me with Itsuki; fuelling my idea that she was attempting to arrange a marriage. There were other questions and I was evasive with those, too, yet his lordship remained patient, reassuring me constantly that I would be safe from now on, that he only wished to help me. I do not know how long we sat there talking but I do remember suddenly feeling very ill. The chill seemed to sink right into my bones yet my cheeks were hot and I felt as though I would be sick that very minute. Embarrassed at the state I was in, in the presence of a stranger, I found myself asking Nanami to take me to the tea-house. At least I could have a fire in there; enough to keep out the awful chill, and perhaps stave off the growing nausea that threatened to consume me. As I rose, I felt horribly weak, Nanami took my elbow and I all but shuffled to the tea-house. I felt so ashamed at the state I was in; barely able to walk, my face puffy and tearstained, my make-up smeared, all the while whimpering as the pain in my stomach grew worse and with it my panic. I knew I should make my excuses to Lord Broken Rampart and return to my rooms, Itsuki's wrath was surely less humiliating than being seen thus, but somehow the thought of the long walk back to the castle was more than I could bear. And so, I chose the tea-house and the thought of a fire to warm my aching bones. Though it is but a short walk around the lake to the tea-house it seemed as a short ice-age and by the time we got there, I felt as though I could hardly stand. I staggered as we entered, and to add to my shame, I had to be helped to the low sofa inside.
What followed was utterly horrible. Thankfully much of it has faded away and become something that could have been a nightmare. There were humiliating episodes of copius vomiting and shivering and sweating. My cheeks flame at the very memory of having to have Lord Broken Rampart clean the hem of my kimono for me. Yet he did it. Without judgement and without complaint, his lordship made sure that I was as comfortable as possible as the withdrawal seemed to go on and on... Withdrawal. I know now that that is what it was. My need for the pipe was an addiction, and after it was taken from me, my body objected. I thought for days that I would die of the gut-wrenching stomach cramps and soon, I stopped demanding that Nanami give me my pipe and began begging her for it instead. Even when she would have wavered and perhaps given in, Lord Broken Rampart refused me. At first I felt angry, frustrated and distrustful. I could not understand how I had come to exchange Itsuki's strictures for his lordship's. He and Nanami whispered constantly in corners, bringing me papers on which to scrawl my signature or trying to cajole me into eating when I refused and forcing foul-tasting tea down my throat to ease my pain when the stomach cramps became more than I believed I could bear. When I slept one of them watched over me, so that when I woke, sweating and screaming, I would not be alone. And not once did his lordship ever try to touch me, or even look at me in a way that would make me feel uncomfortable. Slowly I have come to trust him. As much as I dare to trust anyone. Thanks to him, Itsuki has gone away; I do not really remember how he did it, only that I signed something after we returned from the tea-house. Itsuki was furious and tried to manhandle me and then... she was gone... I think...
I realise now that there are huge gaps in my memory. Entire years have gone by and I have no idea what happened in them... only... things which I wish I could forget seem branded on my mind with a clarity that is sickening... Lord Broken Rampart insists that I must take back control of my House, but I do not think I remember a single thing I learnt at Precision School; I no longer know how to Rule... if indeed, I ever did...
Stood in my antechamber, I felt the familiar nausea wash over me, and I was thankful for the make-up Itsuki had plastered over my face. Thankful that Lord Broken Rampart could not see that the colour had drained from my cheeks, and that the silks I wore hid the trembling that assailed my knees. I knew not whether it would be more humiliating to stagger back into my chamber and suffer Ituski's wrath or to go with his lordship and be overcome by panic half way around the gardens. I knew only that I very much wanted my pipe and that whatever happened next could only result in another horrible breach of etiquette and that only made me more desirous of the weed. Evidently I hesitated a moment too long, for Lord Broken Rampart looked at me askance and asked if perhaps an escort might be sensible; suggested that it might not be appropriate for me to be seen walking out with a man with whom there was no... promise. I tried to conceal my surprise, did he really think the Ruling Lady could not do exactly as she pleased...? I thought then, that perhaps the ways of his House were different, that his Lady was restricted like those of Houses of old, and I felt ashamed at being ignorant of his ways, not wanting to breach etiquette yet again, I tried to hide my confusion and murmured something about the gardens being acceptable. As I was floundering about for something further to say, Nanami came from my chamber with a wrap and made no short work of practically hustling me out into the corridor, his lordship following slightly behind. As we strayed further from my rooms, the panic within me welled, coupled with the nagging nausea that precedes a real need to smoke, fretfully I looked back at the sliding doors that separated me from the safety of my rooms several times, almost tripping over the hem of my silks as Nanami and Lord Broken Rampart continued at such a pace they could have been soldiers on a drilling exercise.
Without yielding my secrets, I did not have a way to explain my reluctance to leave the castle, so I remained silent, growing ever more anxious as we moved further and further away from my rooms. And with my anxiety came confusion; I could not remember why his lordship was here, I could not even remember who he was. Bizarre thoughts began racing around in my mind and I began to panic as I leapt to wild conclusions about Itsuki attempting to arrange a marriage on my behalf in order to get me away from Dying Crane for long enough to usurp me... I began to doubt his lordship's motives and all the while, my desperation for a pipe magnified as I wondered why Nanami had suddenly decided to help those who would harm me. When we finally reached the sliding doors that led to my private gardens, I was almost beside myself and when Nanami opened the doors and took my elbow to lead me outside, I could not stop myself from crying out that I could not go outside. I could have bitten out my own tongue, such was my mortification and my cheeks grew hot once more as Lord Broken Rampart asked what ailed me. I recall only that I was overcome by a bout of shivering as I tried to explain that it was not safe without giving my shame away. Despite my protestations, his lordship insisted not only that I would be perfectly safe but that I walk away from the castle towards my lake. I do not understand what is happening to me, that I would obey a complete stranger without much of a fuss and yet during these past weeks, he has been a constant presence, reassuring, steady and always kind. I do not know what to make of him, he has seen the very worst of me, and yet still he stays by my side, thinking only of my welfare and refusing anything in return... My first instinct was that he was a person to be trusted, yet I felt suspicious; why was he here? Who was he? And I was worried by the fact that he seemed to have befriended Itsuki. A marriage alliance seemed a very real possibility I thought, and might well account for his attentiveness to me... all of these thoughts and more that I could not even express coherently, rambled around in my mind as we walked further and further still from the castle. My stomach hurt and and to add to my anxiety, I felt unnaturally cold , and my most prevalent concern was how I was going to get hold of my weed.
By the time we reached the lake, I had begun to shiver quite violently. Nanami's wrap failed to keep out the chill and soon I found his lordship's cloak about my shoulders and myself being helped onto one of the bamboo benches at the edge of the lake. I remember thinking vaguely about a time when I had come here, to my lake, to feed the carp and enjoy the flowers and birds. A time when I had never heard of opium and the beautiful garden had been my solace as I mourned for my Mother. A time before Itsuki had taken over my tutelage. Before the horse riding accident that had threatened my life. It was as I sat on that bench trying to remember when it was that I stopped coming out here that Lord Broken Rampart began to talk. He told me that he knew I was afraid and he would know why. I put my feet on the edge of the bench and drew my knees to my chest, my voice was harsher than I intended it to be as I told him that it was nothing. He did not believe me of course, but instead of pursuing the subject, he asked me how long I had been smoking opium. My sense of confusion grew as I wondered how he had discovered one of my secrets and I felt ashamed at the thought that he may have been discussing me with Itsuki; fuelling my idea that she was attempting to arrange a marriage. There were other questions and I was evasive with those, too, yet his lordship remained patient, reassuring me constantly that I would be safe from now on, that he only wished to help me. I do not know how long we sat there talking but I do remember suddenly feeling very ill. The chill seemed to sink right into my bones yet my cheeks were hot and I felt as though I would be sick that very minute. Embarrassed at the state I was in, in the presence of a stranger, I found myself asking Nanami to take me to the tea-house. At least I could have a fire in there; enough to keep out the awful chill, and perhaps stave off the growing nausea that threatened to consume me. As I rose, I felt horribly weak, Nanami took my elbow and I all but shuffled to the tea-house. I felt so ashamed at the state I was in; barely able to walk, my face puffy and tearstained, my make-up smeared, all the while whimpering as the pain in my stomach grew worse and with it my panic. I knew I should make my excuses to Lord Broken Rampart and return to my rooms, Itsuki's wrath was surely less humiliating than being seen thus, but somehow the thought of the long walk back to the castle was more than I could bear. And so, I chose the tea-house and the thought of a fire to warm my aching bones. Though it is but a short walk around the lake to the tea-house it seemed as a short ice-age and by the time we got there, I felt as though I could hardly stand. I staggered as we entered, and to add to my shame, I had to be helped to the low sofa inside.
What followed was utterly horrible. Thankfully much of it has faded away and become something that could have been a nightmare. There were humiliating episodes of copius vomiting and shivering and sweating. My cheeks flame at the very memory of having to have Lord Broken Rampart clean the hem of my kimono for me. Yet he did it. Without judgement and without complaint, his lordship made sure that I was as comfortable as possible as the withdrawal seemed to go on and on... Withdrawal. I know now that that is what it was. My need for the pipe was an addiction, and after it was taken from me, my body objected. I thought for days that I would die of the gut-wrenching stomach cramps and soon, I stopped demanding that Nanami give me my pipe and began begging her for it instead. Even when she would have wavered and perhaps given in, Lord Broken Rampart refused me. At first I felt angry, frustrated and distrustful. I could not understand how I had come to exchange Itsuki's strictures for his lordship's. He and Nanami whispered constantly in corners, bringing me papers on which to scrawl my signature or trying to cajole me into eating when I refused and forcing foul-tasting tea down my throat to ease my pain when the stomach cramps became more than I believed I could bear. When I slept one of them watched over me, so that when I woke, sweating and screaming, I would not be alone. And not once did his lordship ever try to touch me, or even look at me in a way that would make me feel uncomfortable. Slowly I have come to trust him. As much as I dare to trust anyone. Thanks to him, Itsuki has gone away; I do not really remember how he did it, only that I signed something after we returned from the tea-house. Itsuki was furious and tried to manhandle me and then... she was gone... I think...
I realise now that there are huge gaps in my memory. Entire years have gone by and I have no idea what happened in them... only... things which I wish I could forget seem branded on my mind with a clarity that is sickening... Lord Broken Rampart insists that I must take back control of my House, but I do not think I remember a single thing I learnt at Precision School; I no longer know how to Rule... if indeed, I ever did...
posted by Lady Yuika | 13:09
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home