Year of the Boar, Six Month, Day 29.

I awoke from a nightmare, sweating and shivering at the same time. My face was mashed against the wall where I had fallen asleep, slumped against it. Images from my dreams washed over me as I sat there and I gripped my silks, twisting the fabric in my fingers until I could see the individual strands of thread straining against the tension I created. I felt... I feel... dizzy and sick. I want a bath but I am afraid to go the bath house alone and yet I am ashamed to think that Nanami would see me in this state. When I was in the throes of my addiction, I did not give a fig who saw me in what state but now that I am almost better... things have changed... I... have changed.  I will think some more on the possibility of forming another alliance. I have burned my bridges with White Lake by spurning Kenta and that means Silent Thunder, too. Golden Harvest took my part when the Houses voted on Shigeru's fate but they have always been great friends to Silent Thunder so I cannot think that they would support me now...  Lady Rina of Shimmering Dawn was a companion to my Mother before she married Lord Shinshinosuke but they took Shigeru's part after ... the incident.  Perhaps I could find the strength to travel there and throw myself upon her mercy... or perhaps I could call upon Purple Lightning; they did not vote at all. Purple Lightning are so tiny though, I cannot think what help they would be to me when a House three times their size has mine annexed.  If only Shigeru would anger a better swordsman than he, or have a riding accident near a more dangerous river, or become entangled in the roots of a rice field or become the victim of border bandits... or... or ... anything that would make him forget my House.  Perhaps I could venture across the border into the Seventh Kingdom for help. Whatever I do, I must do something... I cannot bear to live with this constant fear that Shigeru will come to claim what he thinks is his... When Nanami awakes, I shall ask her what she thinks. Gods, I want a pipe...