Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 9. Postscript.

Nothing makes any sense at all... Atsuko came to my chamber to "wake me" and when I asked her where she had been and why she had not woken me at an appropriate hour, she looked at me strangely and asked whether she had forgotten that she was supposed to wake me early... She insisted in the course of our conversation that it was only the hour of the fox but I know it cannot have been... Why is my housekeeper lying to me...? Why? More importantly, she said nothing about the state of the room which implied that it was not a surprised to her... she must have already known what had happened...
After she cleared away the breakfast that I did not feel like eating, Atsuko told me that Izumi wished to see me and was waiting in my ante-chamber. A move calculated to upset me; if it really were the hour of the fox, Izumi must have realised that I would not have been dressed so why would she sit and wait in the room I use for dressing and having my hair done. If it were later, as I suspected, Atsuko would have known that I was not dressed so why would she let Izumi wait in the ante-chamber when she knew I would need to dress in there?
I could not think what it was best to do. I did not want to see Izumi at all; I certainly did not wish to see her before I was dressed appropriately. She does not need any encouragement to think that I cannot run my House properly so I scolded Atsuko and insisted that she send Izumi to wait in the tea room while I dresesd.
I kept her waiting a good stick and a half, making Atsuko do my hair and silks several times before I told her I was happy with the way she had done it. I could sense her frustration each time I told her to do it again but I did not care. She should not have brought Izumi to me in the first place before I was up and dressed...
The conversation with Izumi was strange. No stranger than usual, I suppose but I just cannot understand what she is about. Why does she want my House?As usual, she pretended concern, all the while needling me to tell her personal, secret things... It really is too much. I have told Seira that she must find a way to make Izumi leave. I do not care where she goes but I cannot have her here plotting against me. I have enough to worry about without her in the background like a snake...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month. Day 9.

I woke from some sort of stupor late this morning, not in my bed but in the middle of the floor surrounded by things littered around me. Patches of my tatami mats scratched and dug up, ripped pieces of fabric, one of my wall hangings torn and on the floor, fragments of scroll scattered all around my chamber and ink smeared into the tatami and the paper screens. My body aches almost intolerably and when I woke, my face was swollen and my eyes tender so that I can only imagine I must have been crying; I feel weak, my head is heavy and I cannot think properly.
It is light; the sun high so it must be the hour of the snake at least and yet no one has been in to wake me. I do not understand how my chamber came to be in this state. I am too afraid to consider the possibilties... Has Shigeru somehow been in my House without anyone realising it? Is that why I hurt so badly...? I feel bruised but I cannot bring myself to examine my body... Has my House been taken? Is that why no one has come to me?
Have Izumi and Atsuko been in league with him all this time? Did they allow this? I cannot believe that Atsuko would put me in danger; not after the confidences I have shared with her but perhaps... perhaps she has been lying to me since the beginning.Perhaps she simply lulled me into a false sense of security so she would been in a position to allow him to enter Dying Crane... And what of Seira? Where is she? Surely she could not have been in league with him as well. I cannot ... I will not believe that... at least... I do not want to... I had dared to believe that I could rely on her... Why did Broken Rampart have to leave...? I felt vaguely calm, at least, when he was here. He would never have allowed those closest to me to betray me, I know he wouldn't. I write that he wouldn't but he has not written to me since he left or sent a message; if he cared about me as he said he did, would he not have sent some word by now...?
As I write these things, I feel the pressure building in my chest and the urge to scream rising from my belly; I cannot breathe properly... I need a pipe, I so desperately need to still the bubbling torment that will not cease. My cheeks are wet again and I am so afraid, so very, very afraid of what I might find if I dare to open the door to my ante-chamber...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 8.

The sun shone high when I awoke this morning and the sky was like sapphire, not a cloud in sight. The paper doors that screen me from the garden without my chamber were wide open and a soft breeze whispered about my face. I stretched, enjoying the moment. Forgetting, for a few minutes, everything that has gone before. Luxuriating in the simple beauty of the weather. I rose from my bed and went to the doors so that I could look out into the garden. It had not occurred to me to wonder why my doors were open and, for a short while, I did not care. There were butterflies flitting around a bed of flowers and somewhere in the distance, I could hear some birds calling. The lawn glowed, brightly green, studded with occasional tiny flowers and bees buzzed over a small lilac bush nestled in a corner created by my hedges. I stood there, as if seeing all of these things for the first time and it looked so beautiful. I wanted to be outside with the sun on my face and the grass beneath the feet; I wanted to play as I had when I was a child.

I wandered onto my veranda, resting for a moment at the rail, glad I had moved into these chambers, I do not remember my other rooms having such a view from the windows... The gravel on the paths dug into my feet, stinging a little when I stepped onto it but I ignored it, simply glad to feel the sun on my skin. A butterfly floated about, dancing on the breeze, darting off when I drew near, as if teasing me to follow it.  I found myself looking over the gate within the hedges, and the butterfly flitted off to skim the surface of my lake. It looked so inviting with the sun's light bouncing over the tiny ripples the fish made and I unhooked the gate and walked over to the water's edge. Some dragonflies joined the butterfly in its dance over the water and I felt my breath catch in my throat, lost in the scene; simply enjoying being alive. I do not think that I have ever before been happy to just... be.

A memory flashed across my mind of children at the Bi-annual Talks, laughing and splashing at the banks of a river ...no.. not a river... the disused quarry in the lands of Golden Harvest... filled with water so that the villagers could make use of it. We had sneaked off after a tutorial, I do not remember how we even managed to leave the castle grounds without being caught but Taiji, Seira, Rise, Naoki and I had run off to play in the water. Naoki and I actually dived in fully clothed and spent a happy afternoon running around the edges of the quarry soaked to the skin screaming with laughter as if we hadn't a care in the world. 

I smiled faintly at that memory and knelt by the side of the lake, and leant to trail my fingers in the water, watching the carp beneath the surface gliding through the weeds. My reverie was shattered though, as hands grabbed at my shoulders pulling me from the lake, raised voices babbled at me and I struggled against those who restrained me, I felt panic rising within me, breath coming in shallow, laboured gasps as I became more frightened. Finally quieting as Atsuko took my face in her hands and bade me look at her; her voice firm but calm and I gazed back at her wide eyed, breathing hard and confused. Only then, did I see the anxiety in Atsiko's face and I realised that Little Chiyo and some of the other servants were not far behind. Izumi was there and she had the strangest look on her face which at the time I couldn't name but now... now I think it was disappointment. Disappointment that Atsuko had reached me first and pulled me away from the pond rather than holding my face down in the water... 

I shook my head at Atsuko, questioning her; Izumi murmured that I had worried them.  “But I was just … enjoying the sunshine, Atsuko, there was no need to worry... no need at all...” I felt her hand at my hair, stroking and soothing and I could not understand their concern at all. “My Lady, you … have been missing from your chambers for almost four sticks...” My mouth worked but absolutely nothing came out. Four sticks... that could not be true, it had been but a fraction of a stick since I came out from the garden, a quarter at most. I felt so … well... I could not have lost four sticks... I could not. My old friend panic gripped me and my belly fluttered as I felt my breath catching again, I could not breathe properly though I fought to stay calm even though what I really wanted to do was to run. 

It was but a moment before I felt arms around my shoulders; I was surrounded and found myself hustled back to my chamber before I could object. I felt ... I feel...confused.... unsettled... Atsuko was rough, hurried, uncaring of my comfort as she bathed me from a bowl of tepid water and practically threw my silks on me barely speaking as she did it while Izumi hovered, flapping incessantly, pretending concern... all the while, an edge to her tone and a look almost behind her eyes that said otherwise...I felt the panic and confusion welling up inside my chest until I thought I would burst. It cannot have been very long before I began screaming at them to leave me and although Izumi looked as though she would argue, she did leave without much protest. Atsuko was slower to go but she too, left without making too much fuss which made it all the more baffling. 

I have been in my chamber since, trying to make sense of it all. Can Atsuko be in league with Izumi now...? I had allowed myself to forget Izumi's machinations for while in light of the more... pressing... threats I face... I do not know what to do... I so want a pipe... I so desperately need something to ease the nausea that snakes around my stomach threatening to writhe up and escape...