Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 8.

The sun shone high when I awoke this morning and the sky was like sapphire, not a cloud in sight. The paper doors that screen me from the garden without my chamber were wide open and a soft breeze whispered about my face. I stretched, enjoying the moment. Forgetting, for a few minutes, everything that has gone before. Luxuriating in the simple beauty of the weather. I rose from my bed and went to the doors so that I could look out into the garden. It had not occurred to me to wonder why my doors were open and, for a short while, I did not care. There were butterflies flitting around a bed of flowers and somewhere in the distance, I could hear some birds calling. The lawn glowed, brightly green, studded with occasional tiny flowers and bees buzzed over a small lilac bush nestled in a corner created by my hedges. I stood there, as if seeing all of these things for the first time and it looked so beautiful. I wanted to be outside with the sun on my face and the grass beneath the feet; I wanted to play as I had when I was a child.

I wandered onto my veranda, resting for a moment at the rail, glad I had moved into these chambers, I do not remember my other rooms having such a view from the windows... The gravel on the paths dug into my feet, stinging a little when I stepped onto it but I ignored it, simply glad to feel the sun on my skin. A butterfly floated about, dancing on the breeze, darting off when I drew near, as if teasing me to follow it.  I found myself looking over the gate within the hedges, and the butterfly flitted off to skim the surface of my lake. It looked so inviting with the sun's light bouncing over the tiny ripples the fish made and I unhooked the gate and walked over to the water's edge. Some dragonflies joined the butterfly in its dance over the water and I felt my breath catch in my throat, lost in the scene; simply enjoying being alive. I do not think that I have ever before been happy to just... be.

A memory flashed across my mind of children at the Bi-annual Talks, laughing and splashing at the banks of a river ...no.. not a river... the disused quarry in the lands of Golden Harvest... filled with water so that the villagers could make use of it. We had sneaked off after a tutorial, I do not remember how we even managed to leave the castle grounds without being caught but Taiji, Seira, Rise, Naoki and I had run off to play in the water. Naoki and I actually dived in fully clothed and spent a happy afternoon running around the edges of the quarry soaked to the skin screaming with laughter as if we hadn't a care in the world. 

I smiled faintly at that memory and knelt by the side of the lake, and leant to trail my fingers in the water, watching the carp beneath the surface gliding through the weeds. My reverie was shattered though, as hands grabbed at my shoulders pulling me from the lake, raised voices babbled at me and I struggled against those who restrained me, I felt panic rising within me, breath coming in shallow, laboured gasps as I became more frightened. Finally quieting as Atsuko took my face in her hands and bade me look at her; her voice firm but calm and I gazed back at her wide eyed, breathing hard and confused. Only then, did I see the anxiety in Atsiko's face and I realised that Little Chiyo and some of the other servants were not far behind. Izumi was there and she had the strangest look on her face which at the time I couldn't name but now... now I think it was disappointment. Disappointment that Atsuko had reached me first and pulled me away from the pond rather than holding my face down in the water... 

I shook my head at Atsuko, questioning her; Izumi murmured that I had worried them.  “But I was just … enjoying the sunshine, Atsuko, there was no need to worry... no need at all...” I felt her hand at my hair, stroking and soothing and I could not understand their concern at all. “My Lady, you … have been missing from your chambers for almost four sticks...” My mouth worked but absolutely nothing came out. Four sticks... that could not be true, it had been but a fraction of a stick since I came out from the garden, a quarter at most. I felt so … well... I could not have lost four sticks... I could not. My old friend panic gripped me and my belly fluttered as I felt my breath catching again, I could not breathe properly though I fought to stay calm even though what I really wanted to do was to run. 

It was but a moment before I felt arms around my shoulders; I was surrounded and found myself hustled back to my chamber before I could object. I felt ... I feel...confused.... unsettled... Atsuko was rough, hurried, uncaring of my comfort as she bathed me from a bowl of tepid water and practically threw my silks on me barely speaking as she did it while Izumi hovered, flapping incessantly, pretending concern... all the while, an edge to her tone and a look almost behind her eyes that said otherwise...I felt the panic and confusion welling up inside my chest until I thought I would burst. It cannot have been very long before I began screaming at them to leave me and although Izumi looked as though she would argue, she did leave without much protest. Atsuko was slower to go but she too, left without making too much fuss which made it all the more baffling. 

I have been in my chamber since, trying to make sense of it all. Can Atsuko be in league with Izumi now...? I had allowed myself to forget Izumi's machinations for while in light of the more... pressing... threats I face... I do not know what to do... I so want a pipe... I so desperately need something to ease the nausea that snakes around my stomach threatening to writhe up and escape...