Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 24.

I spent some time playing my koto this morning. The weather was dismal; there was no rain but a heavy, dark layer of cloud covered the sky as far as the eye could see. I felt restless but I did not feel like company and I did not feel like going out in the garden; the koto called to me from its corner and after I had dusted it, I picked at the strings for a while before I started an exercise or two. I felt quite pleased at the sounds I was bringing out of the strings so I played a few short tunes before I attempted Hishinuma's concerto... I should not have. I did not play it badly but as I plucked the strings, I could not help but hear his voice telling me that I held my wrist wrong as I used the pick and he did not think much of the string tension... I could not have been more than halfway through the first movement when I felt tears prickling at the back of my eyes and then I could no longer play.
I knelt by the koto weeping for some while before I took to my bed. I had intended to try and talk to Nanami today but instead I have remained in my chamber wishing that I had even the tiniest crumb of opium to soothe my mood...