Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 19.

I have removed myself to an unoccupied chamber. Since Atsuko told the girls about why we are here, they have become over solicitous and I cannot bear it. I thought their snivelling and complaining was irritating but now they insist on ensuring I am well, every fraction of a stick. If I should not be eating or drinking something then my gown needs straightening or they want to brush my hair or bathe me. I know they are trying their best but it is too much. My chest is tight and my skin is fizzling and angry; I feel as though if anyone touches me, I will burst open and my veins will spew forth until I am dead. 

I spent a stick or two writing out some poems, hoping the flow of brush over parchment would be calming. It was for a short while but now I am consumed once more with thoughts of what may come and I feel my heart beating faster and my breath coming shallow again. If  I could only be certain that the House was functioning while I am away, I would be closer to content but of course I cannot find out. I have no one I could send as a messenger but even if there were someone, it would be folly to risk alerting anyone to my presence here. 

The snow has not ceased. The silence, broken only by occasional stamping as the soldiers on watch shake it off their boots, is eerie. Outside, the surrounding countryside is an icy, ever-deepening carpet glittering oddly in the faded yellow light from the lanterns. It does little to assuage my fears, It is as if the landscape itself seeks to unnerve me.  Perhaps coming out here was a mistake. There is little to occupy my mind here and I cannot help but keep returning to Shigeru's threats and his means. For all I know, he has had spies about my House and he knows I am here anyway. Perhaps I should have put it about that I was coming here but sent a decoy. Then again, perhaps he would have seen that as an invitation to occupy the House while I was absent. This constant second-guessing is serving only to agitate me further. I think I will ask the twins to prepare a bath for me; that, at least, may conjure some pleasanter thoughts.