Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 24.

 I cannot settle. I have tried playing the koto, I have tried writing poetry and I have tried playing cards with Atsuko and the girls but nothing will occupy my mind for long enough to stop me from fretting. The gods continue to torment me while I sleep; nights are fitful and consumed by awful dreams. Nightmares are nothing new, I suppose but they seem so real. 

Last night I dreamt of Airi. 

We lay in each other's arms, caressing each other. I felt at peace and when she whispered that she loved me, my heart felt full enough to burst with the joy of it. When I opened my eyes to look into hers and smile, I realised that she held a knife to my throat. The smile on her lips turned cold and her eyes glittered with malice. I tried to escape her clutches but she knelt on the fabric of my nightgown and I was pinned to the bed. I felt my eyes burn with unshed tears and my voice cracked as I managed to whisper a single word: why? 

She raised the knife as if to plunge it into my throat and as she did, she said "Shigeru sent me".

I awoke screaming and insensible. I opened my eyes to the sight of sword-wielding soldiers surrounding my bed. According to Riko, they had stormed in when they heard me cry out. I was glad of it. At least I know they are alert. Atsuko sat with me until I had calmed down enough to tell her what my dreams had wrought; she says it is just my mind playing tricks because I am dwelling on things. It is all very well for her to say; she is not the one who has to worry.

I am being unfair. I know Atsuko does worry. She worries terribly. She tries not to show it because she does not want the twins to be afraid but she is concerned. It occurred to me that I do not want the twins to be afraid, either. I realised that I am becoming very fond of all of the sisters. Riko has a good head on her shoulders; she has the potential to become a head housekeeper one day. I wonder if that is what Atsuko has in mind. Of course there are many good candidates, all older and more experienced than Riko to take Atsuko's place when she wishes to retire but we shall see... The twins are sweet and excitable. When they are not whining, they are cheeky and fun and I feel protective of them. I did not expect that but if anything should happen to them because of me... I ... I should be quite devastated.

I have been giving that a good deal of thought today and I have concluded that if Shigeru comes for me, he will not be overly interested in the girls or Atsuko. To him, they will be an inconvenience; an obstacle to be removed in order to get what he wants. I think we must come up with an escape plan for them. Perhaps they can run and hide somewhere in the house at the first sign of an intruder. It is me he wants... I will not have anyone else suffer at his hands because of me.