Year of the Boar, Six Month, Day 29. Postscript.

It occurred to me to wonder whether Itsuki is still lurking about my House, spreading her poison... In my nightmares, she is always there somewhere. At times she has been sitting in a corner chuckling while Shigeru takes his pleasure; immobile while I scream for her help. In other dreams, she has actively helped him, holding my wrists so that he can tear my garments from my body or slapping me insensible before he comes for me... I cannot say that she knew everything passed between Shigeru and me but I am certain that she knew that I did not pay my tribute willingly.  I must find out from Nanami what arrangements Lord Broken Rampart made for Itsuki and if she is still here, I must find a way to make her leave; the idea of her evil still in my House frightens me.
Nanami has gone to the kitchens and I sit alone, watching Crystal flit about the room. She makes soft little chirping sounds as she flies and squawks when she nears my head, taking flight immediately she lands and the movement of my brush startles her. I managed to drag myself to the bath house a little earlier and the sight of my skeletal frame in one of the mirrors was enough to frighten me into trying again, to eat. Even thinner now than when Nanami pointed out my bones some weeks ago... gods, what has happened to me...?

Year of the Boar, Six Month, Day 29.

I awoke from a nightmare, sweating and shivering at the same time. My face was mashed against the wall where I had fallen asleep, slumped against it. Images from my dreams washed over me as I sat there and I gripped my silks, twisting the fabric in my fingers until I could see the individual strands of thread straining against the tension I created. I felt... I feel... dizzy and sick. I want a bath but I am afraid to go the bath house alone and yet I am ashamed to think that Nanami would see me in this state. When I was in the throes of my addiction, I did not give a fig who saw me in what state but now that I am almost better... things have changed... I... have changed.  I will think some more on the possibility of forming another alliance. I have burned my bridges with White Lake by spurning Kenta and that means Silent Thunder, too. Golden Harvest took my part when the Houses voted on Shigeru's fate but they have always been great friends to Silent Thunder so I cannot think that they would support me now...  Lady Rina of Shimmering Dawn was a companion to my Mother before she married Lord Shinshinosuke but they took Shigeru's part after ... the incident.  Perhaps I could find the strength to travel there and throw myself upon her mercy... or perhaps I could call upon Purple Lightning; they did not vote at all. Purple Lightning are so tiny though, I cannot think what help they would be to me when a House three times their size has mine annexed.  If only Shigeru would anger a better swordsman than he, or have a riding accident near a more dangerous river, or become entangled in the roots of a rice field or become the victim of border bandits... or... or ... anything that would make him forget my House.  Perhaps I could venture across the border into the Seventh Kingdom for help. Whatever I do, I must do something... I cannot bear to live with this constant fear that Shigeru will come to claim what he thinks is his... When Nanami awakes, I shall ask her what she thinks. Gods, I want a pipe...

Year of the Boar, Six Month, Day 28.

He has gone.  The bird sings in her cage as I pen this. Her plaintive chirping as she looks out at the garden, serves only to remind me of the space she is supposed to fill. Nanami left off her sewing sometime during the night and now she sleeps. I have had a bitter taste in my mouth for most of the night. I could not be gracious... no matter how many times I told myself that I would smile and wish him a safe journey, it was the episode with Lord Kenta all over again. I see no need to record our conversation but I could have bitten my own tongue out... I did not allow myself to cry while he was here; I sent him on his way with acerbic words and pretended that I did not care for the loss of his presence in my House. I doubt he was fooled... I... hope... he was not... Scalding tears marked my cheeks the very minute he slammed the doors to my chamber together; I clamped my jaws together and pressed my hands to my mouth so that I did not sob out loud and the pain I felt in my chest and in my throat was akin only to what I felt when Kenta left... I wished more than anything that he would return... tell me that he wouldn't go... that he understood... but in my heart, I knew that he would not... could not...
I so badly want to smoke...

Year of the Boar, Six month, Day 25.

My fears grow stronger with each minute that passes today. Lord Broken Rampart is leaving Dying Crane. He says he will return but that now the business of his House is pressing. He has been putting off what he must do, he tells me, so that he could be of help to me; now the time has come when he can no longer stay. He told me some while ago about his House and how it was destroyed from within centuries ago but in my delirium, I did not take in much of what he said. Now, I wish I had been able to pay attention... In a few short hours, his camp will have packed up and moved off to where ever it is that he must go. I would like to be noble and say that I do not begrudge him his mission because he has been such a good friend to me but I cannot. I cannot wish him well on his mission; all I want is for him to stay with me and ... protect me as he has been. I will try, for the sake of what little dignity I have, to wish him a safe journey.
He brought with him a gift, this morning.  A small bird in a gilded cage which he has asked me to look after until he returns. I know what he is about - he thinks that if I have something more vulnerable than myself to take care of, that I will have a reason to stay away from the weed once he has left. I suspect he has given Nanami strict instructions not to take care of the bird so that I will be forced to do it for myself but I am not so crass that I would ask either of  them. It is a pretty little thing; grey feathered but with a blush of pink over its head. His Lordship says she is called Crystal and that she must be given fresh food and water every day; she must be let out of her cage for a few sticks until she tires... I suppose I will find some small pleasure in listening to her sing but I wish... I wish he would stay...
Nanami sits in the corner of my chambers, sewing. I believe she is embroidering some sort of cap for herself. She says nothing... I almost wish she would break the silence but I am afraid that if she does, I will begin crying and I will never stop. It occurred to me this morning to think that in adulthood, I had never had a friend until Broken Rampart came here. Now that he is leaving, there will be even more hours in a day for the demons to come for me...