Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 13.

I cannot settle. I need a pipe. Atsuko is unhappy because I have refused to attend the Banquet Hall for meals; I will never fully regain control of the House if I do not re-enter court life, she says. As if I do not know this. As if I have not heard it multiple times before... from Broken Rampart, from Nanami, from Seira ... That does not change the fact that I am tired and I am afraid...

I picked out some tunes on my koto earlier which brought Seira barging into my room without so much as a 'by your leave'... I should have been irritated at the lack of courtesy but I did not have the energy to chastise her once I discovered the real reason for her visit. It seems as though her relationship with Yuuta is not what I had imagined... She seems so pragmatic and unsentimental; it is difficult to imagine her being coerced into anything she did not wish to do let alone the things she says Yuuta wants of her. She had not wanted to bother me with it, she said, but things had progressed to such an extent that she no longer feels safe at Dying Crane and wanted my permission to leave. 

I am shocked. I would not have believed it if she had not pushed her silks back and shown me the bruises at the base of her throat. I do not know what I should do now... I can scarcely do without her but I cannot countenance a confrontation with Yuuta, either.

Seira seemed to be implying that she is not the only one suffering abuses at the hands of the men in this House and the reponsibility for that lies at my door... It is clear that I have only two options; pull myself together and take back my House once and for all or absolve myself of any responsibility at all and leave it all to go to the seven Hells... Of course I have promised Seira that I will take steps to address the situation; how could I not when she knelt, sobbing and distraught, beside me...? But rather than feeling empowered by the fact that I have survived, the very thought of coming face to face with another abuser makes my stomach writhe. I cannot do it. I cannot... I had thought that Seira would be able to help me take back my House but instead, she has fallen prey to the same disease...