Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 30.

Rani left this morning to continue her tour and my relief is so great that I wept. I am exhausted and I feel so afraid. Rani has taken Nanami's replacement with her; I had little choice once her true allegiance became known to me... I did not mind the girl although she is not Nanami but how would it look to the House, to the rest of the Kingdom, if it were known that I willingly employed a spy for the Sixth...? I would look even weaker than I do now. I would be prey to any petty tyrant who desired a second House... No... I did not have a choice but I do find myself wishing that somehow, I could have avoided letting her go...

I have slept little since my talk with Rani. I cannot allow myself the luxury of believing that Nanami's replacement was the only spy about the House and if I am to have any peace, even a shred, then I must find out who else has allegiances elsewhere... I suppose that there is the possibility that this is just another ploy by the gods to make me suffer but even if it is, I must rid my House of those who would help them. I have been pacing for several sticks considering how I might go about this and short of torture, I do not know how I can be sure whether anyone is telling me the truth and that includes members of my own family. I have not forgotten Izumi's perfidy and I doubt she is alone... 

As if all of this were not enough, I discovered this morning that Seira has had Yuuta thrown in a cell. I cannot say that I am particularly concerned about him but I am furious about the fact that not a single member of my staff saw fit to bring the matter to my attention. Seira, apparently wishes him executed and threatens to leave Dying Crane if I do not acquiesce to her demands. I do not know what to do... I have no particular concerns about Yuuta's demise but perhaps I have lost my appetite for death and pain...  I do not need another ghost to haunt my dreams... 

If only I had even the tiniest crumb of opium to soothe me, perhaps I could think more clearly about things... no... I must try to be honest with myself... I want a pipe so that I do not have to think at all... so that I can sink into the blissful oblivion which only the weed brings me...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 27.

I spent time walking in the grounds with Rani this morning; my head felt clear enough to wonder how it was that she knew so much about Dying Crane and I did not think it unreasonable to ask her... I was not very surprised to learn that she has people about the Kingdom spying for her. In fact, I was more surprised that it has never occurred to me that I should have some spies myself... I am less impressed to discover that in fact, Nanami's replacement is one such spy and my brief feeling of optimism was gone in the smallest fraction of a stick; replaced immediately by my old friend paranoia.
If a dignitary from a foreign land has managed to infiltrate my House, then who else has spies lurking in the shadows...? Is that how Shigeru was able to arrive at the most inopportune moments and how he was able to press his advantage... because he had someone here letting him know when I was at my most vulnerable...? Has he been watching the House even more closely than I had imagined...? Worse thoughts yet crowd my mind... Was I mistaken to put my trust in Broken Rampart...? Was he someone's spy...? Was he here with ulterior motives for all that time, lulling me into telling him my deepest, darkest secrets and fears so that they can be used against me by his unknown master... For all I know, he is no Lord, at all...
How fragile my optimism... I do not know what to do and I do not know who I can trust... If indeed, there is anyone left to trust...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 26.

How much can change in the course of a few short sticks. Yesterday I felt such despair that I could barely put my brush to parchment and today... today I feel a vague optimism close to what I felt when Broken Rampart was here.  I do still very much wish he would at least send word that he is well but ... but after a long talk with the visiting princess, I feel much better.
I see now that I am not in any of the Hells, Seventh or otherwise; that this is merely part of my journey in life, a trial to be endured until I arrive on the other side of it. The tribulation I have faced has been severe and long-lasting but Rani has made me see that I must control my own destiny or it will never change. She is a remarkable woman; I will not write down what passed between us out of respect for her secrets but I am not alone.
I feel as if as chains forged from the heaviest steel found in the Seven Hells have been binding me to my own misery and tightening as I struggled but somehow, this morning, for the first time in a lifetime, I feel... different... and I feel able to see things as I have not been able to see... I went to the Hall to take a meal this morning and although I did not particularly enjoy the experience, it did not feel as overwhelming as it has recently. I will receive Rani again later today...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 25

The gods have seen fit to continue their torture... I no longer know myself... I do not know what they want from me... and I cannot go on.