Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 8.

 Yet again, the gods seek to torment me. Have I not been through enough…? Is it not enough that I am alone without a real friend in the entire Kingdom…? Even Atsuko turns against me and wishes to make me suffer at every opportunity. I have already told her many times that I will not go to the Banquet Hall and yet she persists; at precisely the hour of the snake, I find myself dragged into the Hall to sit among gossips and those who plot my downfall. Atsuko says I must regain control of my House and that the only way to do it is to be visible where it matters…

She is not the one who is forced to kneel interminably, surrounded by food which she cannot eat… Broken Rampart assured me that once my withdrawal ended and I recovered from my need for the weed, I would regain my sense of taste but it has not been so… even the very look of anything more elaborate than plain rice and white fish makes my stomach churn so violently, it is like being in the throws of withdrawal again. Broken Rampart… still no word from him… I do so wish he would write. I should like to know that our friendship meant something real and that I did not imagine it … I realise now that I do not recall him ever telling me his given name, although he certainly knew mine... so perhaps it meant nothing after all…

Atsuko cannot understand my aversion to food… I have tried many times to describe the feel of it in my mouth, that it is as ash, worse than ash for at least ash has some texture… It is easier not to eat at all than to try and force food which is powder and sludge down my throat. Atsuko says it will take time but that there is nothing to be gained from wasting away… she tries to save me from myself but on days like today, I wonder why she bothers…

Sometimes, I see a dish I know I enjoyed when I was small and it is if the memory of its taste flitters across my tongue; almost tangible but then before I can catch it, it is gone. Izumi picked up a piece of octopus tentacle, bright pink and succulent; I used to like eating those… perhaps I will try one when I am next dragged into the hall… perhaps the strength of its flavour will penetrate the depths of my mouth and I will actually taste it… For now though, I will take my tea and try to forget that I want to smoke…