Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 22

 The snow stopped falling over night and Atsuko decided it would do us all good to get some fresh air. I did not disagree; being confined to only a few rooms all day and all night has not been good for any of us. I regret not insisting we bring a larger retinue. I can see that Atsuko is exhausted and Riko is miserable without the other maids for company; the twins at least, have each other but even they are struggling. I do not know what to do. I have half a mind to return to the House but I know we cannot.

It was surprisingly bright outside. The sun was high and pale and there were no clouds in the sky. We walked in the grounds for a while, enjoying the crispness of the air. The twins chased some squirrels and Riko entertained herself by fashioning a small house from the fallen snow. I took the opportunity to speak to Atsuko about the situation. I told her of my concern for her and for the girls and she agreed that they were miserable but that they would cope for a while. She would not be drawn any further on the subject so I said nothing more. I suppose she is right; the situation will be resolved in one way or another and we must wait to see if Shigeru makes good on his threat to march upon my House. I shall ask the Deputy Master at Arms what his superior has planned in the case of an invasion.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 19.

I have removed myself to an unoccupied chamber. Since Atsuko told the girls about why we are here, they have become over solicitous and I cannot bear it. I thought their snivelling and complaining was irritating but now they insist on ensuring I am well, every fraction of a stick. If I should not be eating or drinking something then my gown needs straightening or they want to brush my hair or bathe me. I know they are trying their best but it is too much. My chest is tight and my skin is fizzling and angry; I feel as though if anyone touches me, I will burst open and my veins will spew forth until I am dead. 

I spent a stick or two writing out some poems, hoping the flow of brush over parchment would be calming. It was for a short while but now I am consumed once more with thoughts of what may come and I feel my heart beating faster and my breath coming shallow again. If  I could only be certain that the House was functioning while I am away, I would be closer to content but of course I cannot find out. I have no one I could send as a messenger but even if there were someone, it would be folly to risk alerting anyone to my presence here. 

The snow has not ceased. The silence, broken only by occasional stamping as the soldiers on watch shake it off their boots, is eerie. Outside, the surrounding countryside is an icy, ever-deepening carpet glittering oddly in the faded yellow light from the lanterns. It does little to assuage my fears, It is as if the landscape itself seeks to unnerve me.  Perhaps coming out here was a mistake. There is little to occupy my mind here and I cannot help but keep returning to Shigeru's threats and his means. For all I know, he has had spies about my House and he knows I am here anyway. Perhaps I should have put it about that I was coming here but sent a decoy. Then again, perhaps he would have seen that as an invitation to occupy the House while I was absent. This constant second-guessing is serving only to agitate me further. I think I will ask the twins to prepare a bath for me; that, at least, may conjure some pleasanter thoughts.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month. Day 17.

 It has been snowing for sticks on end. The soft, uneven flakes have floated about gracefully on the light wind before landing and have not ceased; the ground is covered in a thick carpet of it. The trees now carry heavy burdens of snow which thud to the ground every so often when the branch can no longer bear the weight of it. Despite the snow, it is not as cold as it might be for the time of year. The seasonal blizzards have yet to begin which makes it possible to appreciate the beauty of the crystal landscapes without suffering. 

Atsuko is now up and about and delivering orders as if her life depended on it. The twins have been snivelling about having to work so hard and if we were not in the middle of nowhere, I would let them decide to return to their mother... Atsuko has refused to let me slap them but oh, how they are testing my patience. I have a koto here and I wanted to play it this afternoon but it was so difficult to concentrate on the tuning with their constant burbling that I gave up. I informed the twins and Riko that I will play tomorrow and if I cannot do so undisturbed, they will be put out in the snow for as long as I see fit. Of course that was quite the wrong thing to say because it simply resulted in a fresh bout of wailing.

Strange... there was a time when I would have slapped them all and put them outside anyway... I do not know what has caused this change but I suppose I no longer wish to be viewed as a despotic harridan.

We have tried to convince the Deputy Master at Arms that the soldiers who guard the outside of the house should come inside, but he is adamant that they are trained to do their duty in all weather and having them stationed outside will give him early warning of a potential threat. Atsuko told me in no uncertain terms that I would accept his advice without question but I would not have argued anyway. I wish I could write that I am calm and unworried but I am terrified. If Shigeru decides to make good on his threat, he will not come alone. How could he? If his soldiers outnumber mine or are simply more skilled, he will slaughter Atsuko and the girls before their hearts take their next beat and I will be totally at his mercy. I feel sick at the thought of what he might do to me before releasing me from my misery. I feel sick and I can think of nothing other than how it felt when he mauled me.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 14.

 Snow fell during the night and since I have been sleeping in with Atsuko anyway, we have decided that it is sensible to keep to as few rooms as possible. The Summer House is cold even in the height of summer and the Deputy Master at Arms pointed out that if we have heat and light in every room, it will not be long before the level of activity is noticed and people realise we are here. Whether the people in the remote mountain dwellings would concern themselves with my presence here or not, I do not know. I do know that until the Master at Arms has assessed the threat from Fallen Sakura at the House, I would prefer it if no one realised where I was. Whatever Shigeru decides to do, he will not be able to make the journey here once the blizzards start in earnest and that gives me a brief respite. 

Atsuko is better today although I can still hear the remnants of the sore throat when she speaks. Her voice is slightly deeper than usual and there is the faintest rasp but I believe we can thank the gods for delivering her from the jaws of death, at least. I have not allowed her to resume her duties and she is annoyed by that. I have told Riko and the twins that they are to take direction from me. No one is happy about that but they can hardly argue and I will not have Atsuko risk her health. I cannot. She is not a good patient at all but neither am I, I suppose. 

Kie, the older twin, has been sulking about missing the solstice celebrations. Given the circumstances, I had not given much thought to that. I do not think I have even bothered to attend for the past few years. I remember enjoying the dried fruits and the festive lanterns when I was small but the best part was always the elaborate show of fire flowers which lit the icy, winter skies and reminded everyone that lighter evenings are on their way. Perhaps Kie would be more understanding if she understood the reason we are here and not at the House. The girls have been told that there is a threat to my safety from Fallen Sakura but none of the details. If they knew what I have endured at his hands, perhaps they would not mind missing the solstice so much but I can already feel shame heating my cheeks as I think about telling them anything more. Maybe Atsuko would speak to them about it.

Year of the Boar. Twelfth Month, Day 13.

 Atsuko seems somewhat better after sleeping for a few sticks. She says that two nights on horseback was not good for any of us and that all will be well. I hope she is right. Since she does not appear to be at death's door, I allowed myself the luxury of a long bath earlier today and it felt like such a relief, as if some of my anxiety melted away along with the grime of several days. When I lifted my hand from the water, a single petal stuck to my skin and I could not help but think of the last time I was in a proper bath house... I closed my eyes for a while and let my mind dwell on the memory of Airi's lips on mine. 

I still do not know what to think about Airi and what she wants. Perhaps she simply enjoys fleeting encounters and has no desire for anything more. Perhaps, as Atsuko says, she actually likes me. I wish I could rid myself of the idea that she seeks my ruin and that the gods sought to warn me when they whispered her name. I should push her from my mind but I cannot. She comes unbidden at the oddest moments. I hear the echo of her soft laughter at my reaction to her hair on my skin or the sensation of her fingertips when she touched my face; I feel her with me and I want her to stay. Perhaps when this is all over, I can bring her back to Dying Crane and at least talk to her about it...

The temperature has dropped again. I must go and make sure Atsuko is warm enough and that the twins have begun preparing an evening meal. The small contingent of soldiers we have with us keeps watch from the shadows; they must be fed and I should talk with their commander about the strategy for the coming weeks. It is about time I had a say in the plans for my own safety.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 12.

I awoke yesterday with my face covered in ink where I had fallen asleep on my writing. I felt bone tired and had no desire to worry about my diary which would keep for another day. Instead, once I had taken a bath and eaten, I stayed by Atsuko's bedside. We had ridden without stopping, taking it turns to doze on horseback. Riko and the twins snivelled and wailed almost all the way but I insisted we continue on.  By the time we arrived, Atsuko had begun coughing again and although she tried to hide it, it was evident that her throat still hurt. 

I am sick with worry. I believed, for a fraction of a stick, that I had reached an understanding with the gods but they taunt me again. I could not sleep while Atsuko sickened again and so once Riko had warmed a bed and the twins had made some food for her, I remained there, begging the gods to intervene once again. Atsuko says I am not to send for a healer. The point of being here is that I hide; fetching a healer would alert people that we are here. So now I am trapped. Again. If I send for help, I risk myself and if I do not, I risk Atsuko. She, who has been more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was... I cannot do it. If she does not feel better in the morning, I will have to send for someone. 

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 10.

 I am beyond exhausted. I...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 7.

 Atsuko says she is well enough to travel. I am not certain that she is right but the inn is not doing very much for her health. Yesterday, water began cascading into the common room because a tile has come loose from the roof. The innkeepers apologised with a shrug; business has been bad and they cannot afford to pay for the slate needed to repair it. The air is constantly damp and efforts to keep the fire going are not having much effect. The flames roar for a stick or so but quickly die so that all we have to keep us warm is the embers. The sleeping rooms have no fires and the cold makes the walls smell of mould. Riko's fingernails are blue with the cold and today she began coughing again.

It is too soon to think of riding on to the Summer House but if we stay here, I am afraid Atsuko will never recover fully. The thought of having to manage without her makes my stomach twist. I do believe I could go on. It would be the final straw... 

I feel ashamed that I have never cared to understand how people live outside the confines of the House. These people are poor, scratching a living in awful conditions, reliant on traders and merchants who may or may not pass by. In winter even they do not travel and the inn costs more to remain open than it makes. I could make things better for them with a click of my fingers but if I do, I have no doubt that Shigeru would find out where I am, no sooner than I had handed over the coin they need. 

Thinking about that brought up bile. I will not let him touch me again. I cannot. My skin crawls at the memory of his fingers clutching at my flesh and the self-satisfied look on his face once he was sated. No. I must rid myself of these memories and think instead of Airi. Airi... so gentle, so tender, so... careful. The image of her sparkling eyes and smiling, generous mouth as she kissed my fingertips warms me more than the fire would even if it burned. I wish I knew what the gods meant when they spoke her name. I so want to believe I can trust her but it could just as easily have been a warning. I have told no one what I experienced; the maids think me deranged as it is. Perhaps I am. Perhaps this is all a dream as I once thought, after all. I have no way to tell. 

I think we must leave tomorrow. I will tell Riko to pack. If we leave before first light and do not stop, we may arrive at the Summer House before dawn the next day. It will be very unpleasant but I cannot risk any of us becoming more unwell.  

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 5.

 Atsuko has recovered her voice enough to croak orders so I felt I could leave her for long enough to go and thank the gods for saving her. The fur wrap I wore was barely effective against the bitterly cold wind that whipped around me as trudged to the small shrine. We have been spared the onslaught of more snow but it cannot be long before it sets in. I felt ice in the air as I inhaled and tiny crystals gathered on my eyelashes although they melted quickly once we entered the shrine. There was a time when I would not have given a fig about intruding on another's private space but I hesitated to open the doors. I felt awkward, as if I were taking something that did not belong to me. Perhaps I am no longer the person I was...

Maki had carried the basket containing my offering and I had her set it down next to the makeshift altar and then I dismissed her. I removed the wrap I wore and prostrated myself before the gods. The ground was freezing and I felt stones digging into my skin as I lay there. I felt vulnerable and I did not like it but I knew that I must stay there for the appropriate time lest the gods decide to take Atsuko from me after all.

When I got up, I took the fruit and flowers from the basket and laid them in front of the icons before lighting two incense sticks. I murmured the sutras and then prostrated myself again, repeating the sutras for good measure. Ice seeped into my veins but suddenly, a strange, deep peace settled over me. I knew that I must bring my House before the gods in that moment and even though I felt a little ashamed to be asking for more favour when they had delivered Atsuko from Death's jaws, I begged them to deliver me, too. 

I do not know if the gods heard me but as I rose from the ground, it seemed to me that the wind whispered to me. Perhaps it was imagination, perhaps it was merely wishful thinking, for what I heard on the wind was a name... Airi...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 3.

The gods have not abandoned me! Atsuko's fever has finally broken. She is still very ill but she is alert and although her throat is still very painful, she has managed to rasp a few words and has eaten some more fish and a little bowl of rice. I was so relieved that I burst into tears and could not stop crying for several sticks, all the while clutching her hand in both of mine until she became annoyed and told me to leave her in peace. Never have I been so pleased to be on the receiving end of Atsuko's ire but I have told Riko that if she so much as thinks of leaving Atsuko's side, I shall have her hide. 

The innkeepers have a small traditional family shrine in a small outbuilding and I have asked them to unlock it so that I can go and make an offering. I do not feel inclined to anger any of the gods when they have finally decided to listen to me and so I must go and perform the proper rituals as soon as I am able. I have realised a great many things while Atsuko has been floating on the river between life and death; one those things is that I must recognise when someone would be a friend to me and I must keep them...

The temperature outside seems to have warmed slightly although the wind still whips around the inn causing the building to creak and moan. The ground is still covered in snow from the blizzard but it does not seem to have turned to ice so I believe we may still get to the Summer House before it becomes dangerous to try. I decided that a messenger would easily be able to travel in these conditions so I  sent a note back to the House for Seira's eyes only. I have beseeched her to forgive me for my outbursts and to keep the Diplomats from running riot while I seek refuge. I have also begged her to find a way to have Nanami return to me...