Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 16.
I so desperately want a pipe. I cannot sleep and I cannot bear to be awake. I have lost count of the sticks I have spent gazing at my garden from my verandah and wishing I could make myself go for at least a short walk but I cannot. I am trapped. Wherever I go, whatever I do, there is someone watching, someone plotting and someone gossiping.
It is all about the House that I have been sleeping with Yuuta. I can only imagine that this is yet another carefully calculated way to undermine me; since I have not been near him since the incident I mentioned briefly a few days ago, it seems evident to me that someone has quite deliberately put this about the House. No one can have even seen me anywhere near his chambers; I do not know that I am even sure where they are... I do not know whether this is worse than the House knowing about what transpired between me and Shigeru but it feels so very invasive. Perhaps if I were not so anxious about Rani's arrival and Shigeru's whereabouts, I could brush it off and set the House straight but I cannot bring myself to address the issue.
I feel nauseous. I feel very hot and then within a fraction of a stick, I am shivering again. It is like the withdrawal I went through only worse because I have not had at least the pleasure of a pipe preceding this feeling... The thought of the House imagining Yuuta and I in the same bed makes my stomach lurch and I could end this. I could end it all if I stood up in the Hall and spoke my mind but I cannot... I cannot do anything and I do not know why I feel this way...
When Broken Rampart was here, I felt as though I could begin to right myself... I still have not heard from him and the bird is long gone so I am sure that were he to return, I would only disappoint him again but I so wish that I had even the shortest of notes... I never saw his hand but I know that it would be firm, decisive and functional; spiky arrows shooting straight to his point. Nothing at all like my flowing, elaborate hand but I should find even the briefest missive a great comfort... I still do not know why I felt that I could trust him.
For all I know, he could be the downfall of Dying Crane and be the perpetrator of everything for which I blame Izumi and Atsuko but I do not think so. I believe him to be the truest of men. I know he thinks I took his friendship and spat it out and I wish that I could have the chance to let him know the truth... How is it that in such a short time, I became so attached to him when I cannot bring myself to be concerned about members of my own House...?
It is all about the House that I have been sleeping with Yuuta. I can only imagine that this is yet another carefully calculated way to undermine me; since I have not been near him since the incident I mentioned briefly a few days ago, it seems evident to me that someone has quite deliberately put this about the House. No one can have even seen me anywhere near his chambers; I do not know that I am even sure where they are... I do not know whether this is worse than the House knowing about what transpired between me and Shigeru but it feels so very invasive. Perhaps if I were not so anxious about Rani's arrival and Shigeru's whereabouts, I could brush it off and set the House straight but I cannot bring myself to address the issue.
I feel nauseous. I feel very hot and then within a fraction of a stick, I am shivering again. It is like the withdrawal I went through only worse because I have not had at least the pleasure of a pipe preceding this feeling... The thought of the House imagining Yuuta and I in the same bed makes my stomach lurch and I could end this. I could end it all if I stood up in the Hall and spoke my mind but I cannot... I cannot do anything and I do not know why I feel this way...
When Broken Rampart was here, I felt as though I could begin to right myself... I still have not heard from him and the bird is long gone so I am sure that were he to return, I would only disappoint him again but I so wish that I had even the shortest of notes... I never saw his hand but I know that it would be firm, decisive and functional; spiky arrows shooting straight to his point. Nothing at all like my flowing, elaborate hand but I should find even the briefest missive a great comfort... I still do not know why I felt that I could trust him.
For all I know, he could be the downfall of Dying Crane and be the perpetrator of everything for which I blame Izumi and Atsuko but I do not think so. I believe him to be the truest of men. I know he thinks I took his friendship and spat it out and I wish that I could have the chance to let him know the truth... How is it that in such a short time, I became so attached to him when I cannot bring myself to be concerned about members of my own House...?
posted by Lady Yuika | 00:22
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