Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 15.

 I was entirely unimpressed with the garment Atsuko decided upon and when I went to the Hall dressed in a shade of lilac I really do not like, I felt uncomfortable. I wanted Atsuko to take it off and put me in one of my more traditional gowns but I had spent so long in the bath house and then writing that I had no time if I were to arrive in the Hall before Airi and her troupe began their set and I did not want to miss a fraction of a stick. There was no way of knowing when they would return to Dying Crane again and when poets wrote about her performances here, I would take great satisfaction in knowing that I had been present for them all... 

As the Hall fell quiet for the shamisen players, I noticed that the chef had served fried octopus. Crispy pink tentacles lay on a bed of fresh herbs next to a traditional sesame dipping sauce and when one of the maids came to serve me with my usual plain rice and some boiled vegetables, I told her that I would take a piece of octopus as well. She looked as surprised as I felt with myself but did as she was told and when the song finished and everyone applauded, I took a small bite... Perhaps it was the atmosphere, perhaps it was the wonderful afternoon I had enjoyed or perhaps... finally, I have just had enough of feeling sick and tired... but I actually tasted it. Just the faintest flitter of flavour but it was enough... enough to make me let out a quiet sob of relief and close my eyes briefly... letting the taste linger before stuffing the rest of the tentacle into my mouth.

I did not have the confidence to eat more of it; I was afraid that it wasn't real, that I had imagined the flavour and that if I ate more, I would again feel that overwhelming sensation of ash and I would want to be sick. I did not want to be sick; I wanted to hear Airi play again. I needed to hear her play again, to let her music soothe my soul if only for a little while. 

When she came into the Hall, she had opted for a more traditional style of dress and had decorated an elaborate braid with little butterfly pins which fluttered when she moved her head. Perhaps I imagined it, but I believed that she flashed a quick smile in my direction before she launched into The Tale of Kogou for the second time that day. It was richer when played on the biwa; the deeper, earthier strings gave it a more melancholy air than it had when played on the koto and as I watched her, I felt strangely warm.

When she had finished her set, I applauded loudly with the rest of the House and found myself smiling again...

I felt tired and although I wanted to hear more from her, I left the Hall and took to my bed instead. This morning, I sent a note inviting Airi to take tea with me and bathe if she wished. Atsuko told me sharply that if she is to continue managing my Household staff properly, it is high time, I found a replacement for Nanami. I sulked at that but I suppose she is right; she cannot continue to serve me personally and run the House to my liking. I told her I would think about it and had her take me to the tea house to meet Airi. I could feel Atsuko's annoyance as we walked but it is not my fault that none of the other maids can be trusted. In fact, it is hers because she is responsible for training them...

 Airi was already waiting when I arrived at the tea house and complimented me on the impeccable gardens and the fat koi which slid about underneath the water lilies. I liked that she could appreciate the elegance of my gardens but of course, one only has to look at the way she dresses and listen to the music she chooses to know that she enjoys beautiful things... we chuckled at the fact that we had both chosen to wear red; a colour I rarely wear but I like the silver chrysanthemums on this particular gown... Airi's fabric had a pattern of tiny black dragonflies on it and the cream sash she had chosen together with the decision to wear her hair completely loose created a dramatic, striking look. I felt the sudden, odd urge to reach out and touch her silky hair but I did not... I did not know what had made me feel that way and I felt strange...

When we had finished our tea, I had the maids in the tea house escort us to the bath house. I was not in the mood for another of Atsuko's lectures about replacing Nanami. The steam rising from the bath was sharp with the fresh, citrusy notes of Neroli and I looked forward to sinking into its warmth.  We rinsed the soap from our skin and then went into the bath. Whether it was the company or the orange blossoms, I did not know but I felt relaxed and content...

I closed my eyes and sank under the water. When I surfaced, petals were stuck in my hair. Airi smiled and floated over to pick them out for me. I felt suddenly breathless, agitated at her closeness, as if a hundred thousand butterflies fought against my rib cage, desperate to get out. I wanted to tell her I had maids to see to my hair but I could not. I could not say anything at all. 

Airi touched my face, brushing my cheekbone with her fingertips and then trailing them down to rest on my jaw. I could not look away from her honey-coloured eyes. I believed I might drown in them.
She moved closer yet and then… she kissed me, pressing lips softer than the clouds against mine. The scent of the orange blossom on her skin was intoxicating. Airi pressed against me more firmly and my head spun. I let my eyes flutter closed and felt my body dissolve, melting into hers as if we became one with the water. Time stopped and my heart along with it; I was adrift among the stars. Nothing else existed except the consuming ache to feel more of her skin against mine.

In that moment, I finally understood that not even Kenta could have made the act of love anything more than tolerable for me. I was not born to find pleasure in the bodies of men. Airi’s touch set me on fire. When she caressed my body as she had the neck of her biwa, I felt none of the familiar revulsion. I felt no pain and no sickness. I desperately wanted to touch her soft, feminine curves, to wind her hair around my fingers and kiss her throat. She would not let me, insistent on giving me pleasure, her mouth stifled my cries, feeding on them until I had none left to give her.

I do not know how long we stayed in the bath house and I do not remember when or how we returned to my chamber. I only remember how Airi made me feel this afternoon. I felt … safe, but she went to dress for the evening meal about a stick ago and now she is gone. I feel anxious … and embarrassed. I have made a fool of myself. How gauche she must think me,  how inept. Another, more sickening thought occurs to me. Why would someone like Airi want me…? She could have her pick of the Kingdom. Men and women alike would beg to kiss the hem of her gowns and yet she comes to my bed.  Why? Has Izumi sent her? Or worse yet, Fallen Sakura? I cannot stay here. I will tell Atsuko that we must leave for the Summer House tonight.