Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 23.
I see so little point in anything these days... I do not know why I continue to fight the darkness. It occurred to me this morning that I could send Chiyo for a supply of opium. The merchants who supply it are fairly easy to find... I have had several opportunities to get what I so desperately want and yet I have not... I do not know why that should be. If I could have a pipe, I would stop trembling, I would stop fretting and the fear would be gone and yet... still, I fight the urge.
Yesterday was terrible.
There is no word that would do as well to describe it. Atsuko and Nanami seemed to have got over whatever it was that was between them and they decided between them that it was high time I went about the House. I have hidden myself away for far too long, apparently. The court needs to know that I am alive and well and capable. Capable of what, I did not bother to ask... I have argued with Nanami many times about leaving my chamber and what happened in the gardens a few days ago served only to prove that I am right. I do not wish to feel that panic again and if I am seen about the House, no doubt word will get to Fallen Sakura which Shigeru will see as an open invitation...
Naturally, Atsuko pointed out the flaws in my objections and between the two of them, they managed to dress me in my House silks and drag me into the Banquet Hall for the evening repast. I had no idea what to do... all these weeks... months... years... the Court has simply continued on as usual.
Musicians played softly in a corner while the Nobles of the House sat eating and the sound of their conversation was but a low hum beneath the music; chopsticks clattered against crockery and high-pitched laughter seemed to float on the notes of the koto as the player plucked at the strings and every so often, a louder burst of laughter would punctuate the gentler noises. Serving staff lined the Hall, kneeling in uniform kimono of navy blue cotton; each pristine and embroidered with a silver version of my seal, their hair in immaculate braids. They took turns to slip out of their space and clear dishes and fill glasses, seeing to those dining before they even knew they needed something. Women wore scarlet paint on their lips and on their nails, their silks were patterned with bright flowers. All of it looked just as it had the last time I took my meal in the Hall; frozen in time as if none of them had ever moved from where they knelt. None of them appeared to have a care in the world. It was surreal. I felt as if I were high on the weed; lightheaded and displaced.
I saw no reason to go into the Hall; it was not as if I wished to eat anything but as I turned to leave and return to my chamber, I felt a hand on each of my elbows and found myself being propelled to the table on my platform. As I reached it and made to kneel, there was a corporate gasp and the room fell completely silent. There could be no doubt at all as to who I was; no one else would ever dare to wear House silks or have their hair styled in the ridiculous ladder of knotted braids that is customary for the Ruling Lady of Dying Crane. Even without the make-up, the entire Hall knew I was there... and they stared. I felt panic rise in my chest and my breath caught in my throat; I felt like a small animal caught by a hunter, trapped in a bizarre stand-off between me and the Court until Atsuko appeared with a tray of food for me. I had not even realised that she had gone but her arrival broke the tension and the Hall returned to its meal as if nothing had happened.
But it had happened and as I picked at the baked egg in front of me, I heard snatches of whispered conversations... most of them filthy and vindictive; all of them concerning me and what I had or had not been doing with half the Kingdom. I suppose I cannot blame anyone for thinking ill of me, it is not as if I have ever tried to defend myself, or indeed behave in a reasonable manner. If only it had all stopped there. If only I had simply finished the egg and slipped from the Hall to the bath house and then my bed... if only... I find myself writing that a lot these days...
I was taking a sip of tea, my fingernails keeping the small cup balanced as is the tradition when I caught sight of something, I should say someone, at the edge of the Hall. It was all I could do to keep myself from spitting... I stood abruptly, spilling the tea as the cup fell from my fingertips. There, among the lines of servers, I saw her. I thought to run but my knees were weak. My mouth worked but not a sound came from my throat and as our eyes met, I saw her lips curve into a smug, knowing smile. Itsuki... she has been within my walls all this time. I had my suspicions, of course but I have been fretting so much over Shigeru that I allowed myself to believe that she was gone... There was absolutely nowhere for me to turn. Neither Atsuko nor Nanami had even noticed yet in that instant I was filled with a fury so great that it eclipsed all rational thought. I knew what I must do and that if I had not the strength, I would be haunted forever by the sight of that self-satisfied smile...
I pressed my lips together, angrier still as I felt tears pricking my eyes. I brought my arm up slowly, pointing in Itsuki's direction and my voice sliced through the noise of the Hall like a knife. "Bring her to me. Now!" My skin crawled as I felt the sudden turn of all of their eyes as they fell silent about the room... It hurt to breathe and I almost lost my nerve but the thought of Itsuki knowing that I had tried and failed to subdue her was enough to frighten me into continuing. Time seemed to stop momentarily but it resumed as soon as Itsuki rose and wandered towards me, arrogant even in her lowly server's garb. She actually mounted the two steps up to my platform where she stood directly in front of me smiling archly. I swallowed hard and took a tiny step backwards but it was enough for her. She grinned then, raising her hand and bringing it to my hair. "Nice" she said "I expect the Lord of Fallen Sakura enjoys getting his fingers tangled in these braids. It's been a while since you bothered with this... " her fingers gripped the heavy kanzashi that weighted the bottom of the arrangement and for a moment, I believed that she would pull it from my hair and drive it into my neck. I had forgotten how much I feared her and could not move at all. The Hall erupted in a cacophony of gasps from some and laughter from others. It seemed as though I stayed there for an eternity waiting to meet death at the hands of my former aide. I did not hear them come in but the arrival of two armoured Guards caused the noise in the Hall to swell to unbearable proportions.
I raised a hand to my forehead and as I did, the men moved to grip Itsuki between them and I jumped as they shouted that they awaited my orders. Itsuki actually laughed and it was then that my fury returned. "She has committed treason." I told them. "She has done unspeakable things and I have allowed it to happen because I knew no better. But I do know better now and she must pay for her crimes." The armour clanked as my men dragged Itsuki from the platform and were about to pull her from the Hall when I was overcome with rage; I shouted to them to stop. My voice was shrill as I let the entire Court know my orders. Hands on her shoulders pushed Itsuki to her knees but I did not look at her as I nodded sharply at the Guard to her right.
The sword sang as he drew it and Itsuki had no chance to protest before it removed her head from her shoulders. Droplets of blood landed on my cheeks and lips as the sudden spray drenched my silks and everything close to us. A sticky sheen covered everything and locks of Itsuki's hair drifted on the air; suspended there while her head fell onto the matting with a sickening thud. Blood poured from the gaping wound of her neck, spewing onto the floor and as if she hovered between life and death, her body took several seconds to follow it, squelching as it sank onto the pool of her blood. The screaming was unbearable and it was several minutes before I realised that it was my voice I heard. Servants scrabbled around, ushering Nobles from the Hall and I ... simply sank into comforting, grey oblivion.
I have been trembling since I awoke and I cannot rid myself of the coppery taint of blood that seems to have settled on my skin. I thought I would feel relieved but I just feel sick and afraid...
Yesterday was terrible.
There is no word that would do as well to describe it. Atsuko and Nanami seemed to have got over whatever it was that was between them and they decided between them that it was high time I went about the House. I have hidden myself away for far too long, apparently. The court needs to know that I am alive and well and capable. Capable of what, I did not bother to ask... I have argued with Nanami many times about leaving my chamber and what happened in the gardens a few days ago served only to prove that I am right. I do not wish to feel that panic again and if I am seen about the House, no doubt word will get to Fallen Sakura which Shigeru will see as an open invitation...
Naturally, Atsuko pointed out the flaws in my objections and between the two of them, they managed to dress me in my House silks and drag me into the Banquet Hall for the evening repast. I had no idea what to do... all these weeks... months... years... the Court has simply continued on as usual.
Musicians played softly in a corner while the Nobles of the House sat eating and the sound of their conversation was but a low hum beneath the music; chopsticks clattered against crockery and high-pitched laughter seemed to float on the notes of the koto as the player plucked at the strings and every so often, a louder burst of laughter would punctuate the gentler noises. Serving staff lined the Hall, kneeling in uniform kimono of navy blue cotton; each pristine and embroidered with a silver version of my seal, their hair in immaculate braids. They took turns to slip out of their space and clear dishes and fill glasses, seeing to those dining before they even knew they needed something. Women wore scarlet paint on their lips and on their nails, their silks were patterned with bright flowers. All of it looked just as it had the last time I took my meal in the Hall; frozen in time as if none of them had ever moved from where they knelt. None of them appeared to have a care in the world. It was surreal. I felt as if I were high on the weed; lightheaded and displaced.
I saw no reason to go into the Hall; it was not as if I wished to eat anything but as I turned to leave and return to my chamber, I felt a hand on each of my elbows and found myself being propelled to the table on my platform. As I reached it and made to kneel, there was a corporate gasp and the room fell completely silent. There could be no doubt at all as to who I was; no one else would ever dare to wear House silks or have their hair styled in the ridiculous ladder of knotted braids that is customary for the Ruling Lady of Dying Crane. Even without the make-up, the entire Hall knew I was there... and they stared. I felt panic rise in my chest and my breath caught in my throat; I felt like a small animal caught by a hunter, trapped in a bizarre stand-off between me and the Court until Atsuko appeared with a tray of food for me. I had not even realised that she had gone but her arrival broke the tension and the Hall returned to its meal as if nothing had happened.
But it had happened and as I picked at the baked egg in front of me, I heard snatches of whispered conversations... most of them filthy and vindictive; all of them concerning me and what I had or had not been doing with half the Kingdom. I suppose I cannot blame anyone for thinking ill of me, it is not as if I have ever tried to defend myself, or indeed behave in a reasonable manner. If only it had all stopped there. If only I had simply finished the egg and slipped from the Hall to the bath house and then my bed... if only... I find myself writing that a lot these days...
I was taking a sip of tea, my fingernails keeping the small cup balanced as is the tradition when I caught sight of something, I should say someone, at the edge of the Hall. It was all I could do to keep myself from spitting... I stood abruptly, spilling the tea as the cup fell from my fingertips. There, among the lines of servers, I saw her. I thought to run but my knees were weak. My mouth worked but not a sound came from my throat and as our eyes met, I saw her lips curve into a smug, knowing smile. Itsuki... she has been within my walls all this time. I had my suspicions, of course but I have been fretting so much over Shigeru that I allowed myself to believe that she was gone... There was absolutely nowhere for me to turn. Neither Atsuko nor Nanami had even noticed yet in that instant I was filled with a fury so great that it eclipsed all rational thought. I knew what I must do and that if I had not the strength, I would be haunted forever by the sight of that self-satisfied smile...
I pressed my lips together, angrier still as I felt tears pricking my eyes. I brought my arm up slowly, pointing in Itsuki's direction and my voice sliced through the noise of the Hall like a knife. "Bring her to me. Now!" My skin crawled as I felt the sudden turn of all of their eyes as they fell silent about the room... It hurt to breathe and I almost lost my nerve but the thought of Itsuki knowing that I had tried and failed to subdue her was enough to frighten me into continuing. Time seemed to stop momentarily but it resumed as soon as Itsuki rose and wandered towards me, arrogant even in her lowly server's garb. She actually mounted the two steps up to my platform where she stood directly in front of me smiling archly. I swallowed hard and took a tiny step backwards but it was enough for her. She grinned then, raising her hand and bringing it to my hair. "Nice" she said "I expect the Lord of Fallen Sakura enjoys getting his fingers tangled in these braids. It's been a while since you bothered with this... " her fingers gripped the heavy kanzashi that weighted the bottom of the arrangement and for a moment, I believed that she would pull it from my hair and drive it into my neck. I had forgotten how much I feared her and could not move at all. The Hall erupted in a cacophony of gasps from some and laughter from others. It seemed as though I stayed there for an eternity waiting to meet death at the hands of my former aide. I did not hear them come in but the arrival of two armoured Guards caused the noise in the Hall to swell to unbearable proportions.
I raised a hand to my forehead and as I did, the men moved to grip Itsuki between them and I jumped as they shouted that they awaited my orders. Itsuki actually laughed and it was then that my fury returned. "She has committed treason." I told them. "She has done unspeakable things and I have allowed it to happen because I knew no better. But I do know better now and she must pay for her crimes." The armour clanked as my men dragged Itsuki from the platform and were about to pull her from the Hall when I was overcome with rage; I shouted to them to stop. My voice was shrill as I let the entire Court know my orders. Hands on her shoulders pushed Itsuki to her knees but I did not look at her as I nodded sharply at the Guard to her right.
The sword sang as he drew it and Itsuki had no chance to protest before it removed her head from her shoulders. Droplets of blood landed on my cheeks and lips as the sudden spray drenched my silks and everything close to us. A sticky sheen covered everything and locks of Itsuki's hair drifted on the air; suspended there while her head fell onto the matting with a sickening thud. Blood poured from the gaping wound of her neck, spewing onto the floor and as if she hovered between life and death, her body took several seconds to follow it, squelching as it sank onto the pool of her blood. The screaming was unbearable and it was several minutes before I realised that it was my voice I heard. Servants scrabbled around, ushering Nobles from the Hall and I ... simply sank into comforting, grey oblivion.
I have been trembling since I awoke and I cannot rid myself of the coppery taint of blood that seems to have settled on my skin. I thought I would feel relieved but I just feel sick and afraid...
posted by Lady Yuika | 00:15
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home