Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 2.

We have arrived in the Seventh Kingdom at last. It took two solid days of riding across Purple Lightning before we crossed the border. We took it in turns to sleep leaning against our horses' necks while the others led the horses at a walk in order to make it across Tsuyoshi's Lands faster. It was Nanami's idea and although it served a purpose and got us out of Purple Lightning faster than we could ever have hoped to travel if we had stopped to rest as we needed to, I cannot say it is an experience I would ever  care to repeat; I ache in places that I had forgotten existed. We have found an inn which seems pleasant enough. I cannot think that we will have been pursued here nor that anyone would think to look for us here so I am content to rest here before we continue on to Dying Crane. I suppose protocol would demand that I sent a messenger to the ruler of the Seventh, to apprise her of the fact that I am on her Lands and would seek safe passage but I am reluctant to alert anyone to my whereabouts just now. In any case, I have few messengers to send now since most of my staff went with the main convoy. I must keep those I have close to my side; anything could happen between here and Dying Crane and I must protect my resources in order to stay safe. I will send a gift and thank her for her hospitality in retrospect once I return home.

The landscape here is similar to that in Dying Crane; rugged, untamed and possessed of a wild beauty that is the compete opposite of the prisitne, glacial beauty of the middle Houses or the lazy, tropical scenery of the south of the Kingdom. I can see the mountains from my room and I feel strangely comforted by them as if they were my sentinels. Surely nothing can harm me while they stand watch? The man in charge of this inn appears to speak our language with the accent of the west; I cannot tell whether he is of the Ninth Kingdom or if he simply learnt our language so that he could trade with travellers from the Ninth. I do not intend to ask; it would simply attract too much attention so I have been content to let my staff deal with him and stay in the background pretending to be a servant myself. Atsuko has told him little except that we are travelling and thought it would be pleasant to see some of the Seventh Kingdom on our way.  He does not seem interested in much except our money and that is a relief. The less we tell people, the less they will be in a position to tell others.

I attempted again to speak to Nanami this afternoon but she would not be drawn in. Part of me thinks I should simply drop the subject and wait to see if it resolves itself but I must know... I must... and I will not find out if I do let it go... Perhaps I am better off never knowing; if it had been Nanami in my bed, what then...? I cannot have a relationship with her and to summon her to my bed whenever I wished to feel that pleasure again would make me no better than Shigeru. There is no solution to this issue that is not dreadful... but if it was Nanami, I must find out if only to let her know that I am not angry and that I did feel such great pleasure...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 31 .

After several days of travelling through White Lake, stopping only for food or a short time to rest before pushing on, we have reached an inn near the border of Purple Lightning. The gods have stayed with me thus far and we have remained unmolested by Shigeru or any of his retainers. I do not know where he is or which route he decided to take in order to return to Fallen Sakura and I wish I could say that I do not care... I do care; it is impossible to anticipate what an enemy will do when one does not know their whereabouts. I did not need years of schooling in military strategy in order to learn that! According to Atsuko, who has it from the Diplomats' mouths, we have taken the shortest possible route up through White Lake; I do not think there is any chance that he could have travelled faster than we have but there is no guarantee that he is not on our heels waiting for his chance to make good on his threats. There is no guarantee either, that Tsuyoshi and Ichiko are not in league with him; Dying Crane woule be as useful to them as it would be to Shigeru were he to occupy my Lands... We have stopped here in order to rest thoroughly before setting foot on Purple Lightning's Lands. I have given the Diplomats instructions to find horses and pack only what I cannot replace once I return home. I will take my mourning silks since it is difficult to replace those; only a handful of seamstresses in the Kingdom will make them and none on my side of the Kingdom. I suppose I could foster better relations with my neighbours in the Seventh Kingdom and find out whether anyone there could do but for now, I must make do with what I know to be fact.

Once we have rested and sufficient horses have been acquired, we will ride through the top of Purple Lightning as fast as possible, stopping only in extreme circumstances, until we cross the border into the Seventh Kingdom. We will rest there as soon as an inn can be found and from there, we will travel as quickly as we can into my Lands. I can only hope that we willl reach Dying Crane before Shigeru manages to send troops over my border; were I in his shoes, that is exactly what I would do... an empty House would be the perfect opportunity to occupy the House and Lands. I have told the Diplomats that as soon as they are able, they must send a messenger back to the House. He is to travel on horseback right through Fallen Sakura, stopping only if he dies, and aprise the Diplomats who have remained at the House of the situation. The army is to be deployed about the Lands in case Shigeru does try to invade Dying Crane. 

I have tried to push this from my mind for a while and think upon more pleasant things but it is difficult to think of anything other than this constant threat and I cannot even smoke... I woke this morning with that familiar nagging ache deep in my belly and I could think only of how badly I would like to take a pipe and make all of this go away... I tried to talk to Nanami earlier but nothing came of it since all I could manage once I finally plucked up the courage to speak was to ask her how she fared to which I got the sharpest of replies that she was perfectly well. How am I to manage this situation...? Perhaps I should confide in Atsuko but I have no wish to humiliate Nanami by involving another... Why could my life not have been different..? Did the gods despise me before I even left my mother's womb or was I such a dreadful child that I deserve this constant punishment...?  

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 25.

I am on my way home. A messenger arrived from Golden Harvest arrived just as we were making final arrangements to travel; Suzuya's baby had been born and the birth was difficult. The physician did not expect Suzuya to live through the night and so Lord Yuuta and Lady Iyo told their servants to pack and they left on horses after the briefest of apologies. They do not need to apologise to me of course, but I cannot understand why just when I think I may have some hope, the gods snatch it away from me.
I have stopped in an inn on my way up through White Lake. It is my intention to travel across the very top of Purple Lightning several miles from its border with Fallen Sakura and then on into the Seventh Kingdom and up the border before crossing into Dying Crane. It is not my preferred route but the alternative would be to travel right across the Kingdom to the coast of Golden Harvest and then continue my journey by sea. It would take weeks, if not months and so despite the danger, the Diplomats agree that this route will be the most sensible. I cannot settle; I wish could speak to Nanami but every time I try, words will not come. I want a pipe but I do not have one. I am afraid to stay here but I am afraid to leave and I do not know what to do for the best...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 24.

I feel ashamed that I am glad Kenta has finally been put to rest. I am not glad of course, that he is dead. I feel as wounded by his death as if I would have had he been my husband... His loss made worse by the fact that I spoke so harshly to him the last time I saw him alive. How different things might have been had I thanked him for his kindness and invited him to stay at Dying Crane but I did not and so I must live with the ache in my heart for something that could have been... 

The final hours of the funeral ceremony took place in the family temple; gifts of flowers and fruits were offered to the goddess in memory of the deceased... of Kenta... the temple at least, was cooler than the Courtyard and we knelt in relative comfort as the last sutras were chanted and the last cones were lit. They will light a new cone every morning for a year now as the House mourns the loss of its heir. There were rumours when Shunsuke was killed, that Yuki lit the cones each morning herself and that she lit another each noon and each evening while she prayed for the soul of her son... I wonder whether she will do the same for Kenta; I cannot picture her kneeling here, in front of the bronze statue of the goddess, offering sutras while the orange-clad monks glide around her. I cannot picture her deigning to light a cone herself lest she drop a speck of ash on her pristine white silks. She and Shunya have been impassive this seven-day past; other than her outburst at Kaede, Yuki has shown no emotion at all. She seems almost unearthly. I noticed this morning that she wore linen rather than silk though, so it may be that her grief is more genuine than any of ours. If she chooses to wear that all year, she will suffer as perhaps she thinks her son did... I have never enjoyed wearing linen; every time I have, it has given me a rash... 

I was borne away with my thoughts earlier; almost in a trance and did not hear the doors slide open. Waking only at a gentle pressure on my shoulder and a soft body pressing into my back lightly. Immediately, my mind returned to that night... I had not forgotten her but... the ceremonies have given me little time to think on anything else. Nanami had come in to tell me that the Hall was laid for dinner and that I was expected. I knew I would have to go; even I would not be so crass as to refuse to attend the memorial dinner for Kenta. Oh but I wanted to refuse... Nanami... I blinked slowly as I thought about that some more... could it be that the reason she has been so cold and distant is that it was her in my bed...? Surely not... I glanced down at her hand and it was as if lightning shot through my body. Nanami's nails were as perfectly manicured as a maid's can be. Somehow, I had never noticed Nanami's nails and had thought them to be bitten down to the quick and ragged like mine are unless someone comes in to shape them and paint them. I shuddered suddenly... why would she...? I had never asked Nanami about her romantic life... I had no cause; assuming that she enjoyed the company of men. Perhaps she does not... How am I to bring this up with her...? I cannot see a way to discuss this with her without humilating both of us... 

Dinner was not as hideous as I had imagined it would be. The food was plain and the sticks gave off a light scent of fresh berries which made a very pleasant change from the heavy, floral scent of the funeral cones. There was a koto player in the very corner of the hall plucking a simple tune that floated over the soft hum of conversation and the atmosphere was much more relaxed than it has been. Yuki and Shunya thanked us all for honouring their House and their son and came to each table in turn to offer a few words. Shunya told me that he knew I had been fond of Kenta and thanked me for being a friend to him. I was surprised by that; I wonder if his words would have been quite so kind if they had known I wanted to marry Kenta. I kept my counsel about that and made do with offering them both my condolences. Shigeru sat with Taira, away from his former wife and the rest of her family. I felt my spine prickling as laughter came from their table and I wondered what evil Shigeru was speading about me... Lady Iyo refsued to let me be upset by him and told me that karma would see to him. Who could say when but one day... karma will come for Lord Fallen Sakura and I would be avenged... I attempted a smile and a nod but my mind was taken up with the conversation I must have with Nanami...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 23.

After another night punctuated by the sound of monks chanting and banging gongs and the cloying incense that winds around the halls suffocating anything it meets, I woke feeling as if my head were stuffed with wool. Before I had time to tell Atsuko that I would breakfast in my room, Lady Iyo arrived with the intention of accompanying me to breakfast. I had no desire at all to go to the Banquet Hall and watch the other Rulers stuff their faces with all manner of ridiculous delicacies as if nothing were amiss and we were all on a holiday but since I am anxious not to alienate the one friend I may actually have, I allowed Atsuko to dress me and I went with Lady Iyo.

It was as I had thought it would be; the tables were already laden with pastries and stuffed river fish, steaming bowls of spiced vegetables and piles of exotic fruits. It was fairly quiet; Lord Yuuta was at a table and Rina and Shinshinousuke of Shimmering Dawn were seated and in the furthest corner from everyone else who was in the Hall, Taira of Crying Orchid sat on his own. Taira paid me no mind but as Lady Iyo and I walked over to join Lord Yuuta, Rina sniffed loudly and remarked to her husband that she wondered why Golden Harvest thought it wise to consort with the likes of me... She was far less complimentary than that but I see no need to mar these pages with her actual words...

I felt the tears that come so easily these days well immediately and made to turn around and leave the Hall but my intentions were thwarted by the vice-like grip of Lady Iyo's fingers on the edge  of my sleeve.

"Do not." she said through gritted teeth. "Do not give her the satisfaction of seeing you leave. That is exactly what she wants."

Before I could frame a reply though, I heard Lord Yuuta put Rina firmly in her place. I believe I may actually have gasped to hear him defend me as if I were his own daughter. Their daughter, Suzuya, is not here. Heavy with child; she cannot travel although I am sure she would have wanted to come. She and Kenta were great friends when we were children. It would be the worst sort of omen for a child if it were born at a funeral though, so I cannot say that I blame Suzuya for not being here.

Lady Iyo and I knelt at the table and Lord Yuuta told me straight away that I looked absolutely terrible and that I should have stayed in bed. I was so shocked that I almost laughed out loud. I made do with inclining my head and wishing him a good morning but before I could continue with the customary pleasantries, Lady Iyo had begun talking quietly about returning home.

"It would be wise, I think, if we sent you home under the banner of Golden Harvest." she spoke slowly looking thoughtful. "Yes... I have been watching him..." I did not have to ask who she meant. "I do not think it would be at all sensible for you to return to Dying Crane with a retinue the size of yours. Any soldier worth his salt would see you coming from miles away... A decoy would be the thing, I think..."

I felt my teeth scrape my lower lip and a deep flush spread over my cheeks and down to my neck.

"I... so many of the Nobles wished to pay their respects and I did not feel it would be right to let them all make their own way here when they come under my banner.."

I trailed off; unable to admit that I had had almost no say in the matter at all and that in fact, I had no idea who had actually accompanied me until we were here. I suspect Lady Iyo knows more than she implies in any case for the next words from her mouth were that she had not visited the North for some time and that it would be rather pleasant to spend the autumn where the changing leaves were so dramatic. I blinked at her several times before I managed a reply. I would be delighted to offer Her Ladyship Dying Crane's hospitality, of course. Inwardly my heart soared at the thought that I would have protection from someone other than Shigeru and sank at the idea of letting someone into my home. I felt ashamed at the thought of Lady Iyo seeing Dying Crane as it really is... no... at the thought of her seeing me as I really am...

Lord Yuuta nodded, agreeing quietly with his wife that it would be nice for her to take a break but pointing out that Suzuyo may give birth at any time... perhaps it would be sensible for me to stay at Golden Harvest for a while. Once the baby is born, Lady Iyo could return to Dying Crane with me... Lady Iyo nodded.

"Perfect." she said, nodding. "You and a small number of staff will come with us and the rest can make their way back to Dying Crane at their leisure... "

I could say nothing other than whisper my thanks hoarsely while Lord Yuuta told me that he would make the arrangements for everyone other than Atsuko, Nanami and Chiyo to return to Dying Crane under their banner and he would have his staff help my maids so that I could go to Golden Harvest with them.

I am still confused by this offer of friendship from Golden Harvest. I have done nothing to deserve it and I do not recall them being any great friends of my parents... These days I recall very little about my parents at all so perhaps they were friends... I did return to my bed shortly after we had breakfasted; I ate little other than some rice again and I felt so tired that I knew I would not be able to stand all afternoon while the monks consigned the lacquered ash boxes to the family mausoleum if I did not get some rest.

There will be one more day of ceremony before the funeral is over; no doubt some of the Rulers will wish to sojourn at White Lake a little longer and relax a little before returning to their Houses but I imagine that Lord Yuuta and Lady Iyo will wish to return to Golden Harvest as quickly as possible. At least I hope they will.

This afternoon's ceremony was as wearing as all of the others have been. It seemed as if the monks would never stop their chanting and the sun seemed hotter than ever. We stood outside the mausoleum while the monks piled the little boxes into the alcove next to the one holding Shunsuke's ashes. Each time a box was placed upon another, a gong sounded and a new sutra chanted; it seemed to take an eternity. Eventually, as the sky began to darken and the sun started its journey down towards the horizon, the last box was set in place and each mourner went into the mausoleum and placed the customary white camellia in front of the ashes. With each flower, yet another sutra and with every three flowers, a fresh cone of incense was lit; the air was thick with it so that I felt choked and exhausted. The sky was black before the ceremony was over and I could barely stand the thought of waiting even one inch of a stick longer to sink into my bed.

I fell asleep as soon as I pulled the cover over myself yet less than two sticks later, I found myself wide awake and sleep would not return... I do not know how long I have been writing; my mind will not stay quiet. I am regretting my decision to go to Golden Harvest already. Suzuya's baby is expected imminently but there is no guarantee that it will arrive when it should and there is no guarantee that the birth will be without complication or that Lady Iyo will actually want to return to Dying Crane at all once she sees her grandchild... I do wish my mind would engage before my mouth...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 22.

Lady Iyo has  not let me out of her sight since our conversation in the pavilion. I have been too shy to ask her why she supports me publically now; part of me cares only that she does. It is hard to accept her help though, when the other part of me is afraid that it is merely a ruse and that once she has my trust she will help Shigeru to destroy me...

I did speak to Atsuko about it - Nanami is not speaking to me at all now although what new wrong I have visited upon her, I do not know - and she is of the opinion that Lady Iyo is genuine. She reminded me that when Kenta told me of the vote between the Houses concerning Shigeru's fate, Golden Harvest had been among those on the side of Dying Crane... That does not mean that the Lady of the House could not have had a change of heart but I suppose that at some point, I must just simply choose to trust someone; if I do not, my House will continue to decline without  even the faintest chance that I might save it...

It has occurred to me that Shigeru may find a way to deny me safe passage through his Lands when I wish to return. if he does, then Lady Iyo's support will be crucial. I only wish the Diplomats had given me a moment to consider the consequences of leaving my Lands in order to get here... Even Shigeru would not have denied me safe passage to get to a funeral, I suppose but there is no knowing what he may try when we return. I will speak to Lady Iyo and see if she will send some of her guard with me so that I may travel under her banner rather than mine.  My biggest fear is that Shigeru will suggest publicly that we travel together and I will not be able to avoid him... This needs much more thought. I have no wish to travel across the border and into the Seventh before travelling up the border and into Dying Crane, or to travel across the entire Kingdom to the coast in order to continue around to Dying Crane by sea but if that it what it takes to avoid having anything to do with him... I may be in for a much longer journey than the Diplomats have planned for. 

I must discuss this with Atsuko before talking to Lady Iyo, I think. If only I had an advisor... Itsuki may well have been the devil incarnate but she was extremely well-versed in the etiquette of all the Houses and she knew the Kingdom as if it were the back of her own hand. How, I never bothered to find out, which now my head is clear, seems like one of my bigger mistakes...

The monks held a torch-lit vigil for Kenta overnight; every three sticks, they would change the sutras they chanted. I have had very little sleep and cannot imagine how the monks must feel. Perhaps they took it in turns to stand and chant; I do not know...there is much I do not know...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 21.

I was too tired to finish writing last night; it was the middle of the night before the last ember died and although I was too fraught to sleep; there came a point where the need for rest simply overwhelmed me and I could not write any more.
Today has been as wearing as yesterday was but Lady Iyo has been so kind. It feels strange to refer to her as 'Lady' since we are of the same rank and title; I could simply call her by her name. She is a Lady though; so gracious, elegant and poised - all the things that I am not.
Today, the cinders from the funeral pyre were gathered and painstakingly encased in a series of small lacquered jars and all of us stood in the Courtyard while the monks who were not collecting the ash chanted more sutras. I could not say whether it was residual heat from the pyre or that it is unseasonably warm here or whether I just felt ill again but I wished more than anything that I could just go and sit down. I could not; even if it had been seemly, Shigeru was there again. I knew he was lurking there, waiting for a chance to make good on his threat and I could not let that happen so I stood with the rest of the Rulers until Lady Golden Harvest took shelter. When I saw her leave the mourning line and head in the direction of the pavilion, I followed and slipped in behind her.
We remained in silence in the pavilion for a while until eventually she rose to return to the funeral. I heard my voice crack as I blurted out that I would prefer her to stay. She looked at me, tilting her head in the way that we all do when we wish to imply that someone has lost their mind but are simply too polite to mention it aloud. I fished around for a response but all I could manage was that I could not be alone.

She hesitated a moment and then came to sit beside me. She did not say anything for what must have been a quarter of a stick and then she told me that I looked tired. I nodded at her, swallowing

"These are difficult times..."

Lady Iyo nodded slowly.

"Were you very much in love with Kenta?"

My shock must have been evident because she continued by telling me that it had not been common knowledge but that she had seen the hurt in my eyes when he and Kaede had made their feelings for each other quite obvious. That was a long time ago... I shifted uncomfortably, clutching the thin silks at the neck, still saying nothing. I felt my teeth scrape my lower lip and Lady Iyo continued.

"And then of course, there was that... other... matter. I trust all that is behind you now my dear?"

That was like an arrow to my heart. It was not behind me. How could it possibly be behind me? It will never be behind me, not even when he is dead... I felt my eyes prickle with the tears that welled almost instantly and I shook my head, suddenly blurting out that Shigeru meant to destroy my House. Lady Iyo's response was to tilt her head at me again so I told her about the letters and then I told her about the note. I shrank away from the anger on her face but she shook her head.

"It is Shigeru who angers me, my dear. Not you."

She actually hissed.

"How dare he?! Who does he think he is?! It is tantamount to a declaration of war..."

Lady Iyo looked grim but I shook my head sadly.

"It is not though, is it? I cannot fight back and his Lands annexe mine. There would be no war because anyone who would send me aid could not. There would be an occupation and then... death..."

I knew my face was wet with tears and I was embarrassed by them and that yet again, when protocol was paramount, I was making a scene. She dabbed at my cheeks and eyes with her sleeve before pulling me against her as if I were her child.

"Something must be done about that little tyrant... something should have been done before."

The monks outside ended their sutras and began the death knell again and over the bell, I heard Lady Iyo say that she would speak to her husband. For what purpose,  I did not know and I did not ask; I simply allowed myself to feel comforted by her arms around me.

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 19.

The monks lit the funeral cones before dawn and began the sutras they will continue to chant until Kenta is consigned to the ground. I had no desire to take my place in the Courtyard with the other Houses; the thought of even seeing Shigeru made my stomach lurch but I had no choice. Dressed from head to foot in white, every Ruler in the Kingdom, except Kaede, knelt in front of the huge pyre before the sun rose. As it crept over the horizon, the monks began the death knell; a deep, resonant clang that announced a House in mourning. Yuki, Shunya and their staff will wear white for a year and had Kenta taken Kaede as his wife, she would too.
I was thankful for the ceremonial make up that masked my face; I felt guilty for allowing my mind to wander but I could not think of Kenta for it was full only of her... I still do not know who came to my bed but my head still spun as my body remembered her touch and how it had made me feel.
It was as if the flames that I watched were lit inside me and I felt for the first time in as long as I can remember, the desire to be touched by another, to kiss her... to feel that complete... The flames were hypnotic and as I gazed into them, I thought back; trying to recall any little detail that might tell me who she was...
I could not even remember her voice although I knew she had spoken... her hands, I thought, were soft...but that told me little. Any Ladies' maid has soft hands... I could not even remember whether I had felt her hair on my skin; I had no way at all to find out who she was... I wondered whether it mattered who she was... I could hardly begin a liaison with a maid from White Lake after all... but I wanted to feel her hands on me again...
The sun rose higher and the pyre began to burn in earnest, spewing black, venomous clouds of smoke over the Courtyard and the sound of someone trying to stifle a fit of coughing brought me back to the funeral. I realised that my knees ached and I wanted a drink. I could not have anything. There was a pavilion at the far side of the Courtyard, put there to provide brief respite for those overcome by the heat or the smoke and I thought, for a moment, about excusing myself and going to sit in the shade for a short while but when I caught sight of Shigeru, I knew I could not. I could not be alone anywhere. I closed my eyes and tried to take myself back again, back to that feeling of bliss that had not come from smoking my pipe but the damage was done and I could not...