Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 24.

I feel ashamed that I am glad Kenta has finally been put to rest. I am not glad of course, that he is dead. I feel as wounded by his death as if I would have had he been my husband... His loss made worse by the fact that I spoke so harshly to him the last time I saw him alive. How different things might have been had I thanked him for his kindness and invited him to stay at Dying Crane but I did not and so I must live with the ache in my heart for something that could have been... 

The final hours of the funeral ceremony took place in the family temple; gifts of flowers and fruits were offered to the goddess in memory of the deceased... of Kenta... the temple at least, was cooler than the Courtyard and we knelt in relative comfort as the last sutras were chanted and the last cones were lit. They will light a new cone every morning for a year now as the House mourns the loss of its heir. There were rumours when Shunsuke was killed, that Yuki lit the cones each morning herself and that she lit another each noon and each evening while she prayed for the soul of her son... I wonder whether she will do the same for Kenta; I cannot picture her kneeling here, in front of the bronze statue of the goddess, offering sutras while the orange-clad monks glide around her. I cannot picture her deigning to light a cone herself lest she drop a speck of ash on her pristine white silks. She and Shunya have been impassive this seven-day past; other than her outburst at Kaede, Yuki has shown no emotion at all. She seems almost unearthly. I noticed this morning that she wore linen rather than silk though, so it may be that her grief is more genuine than any of ours. If she chooses to wear that all year, she will suffer as perhaps she thinks her son did... I have never enjoyed wearing linen; every time I have, it has given me a rash... 

I was borne away with my thoughts earlier; almost in a trance and did not hear the doors slide open. Waking only at a gentle pressure on my shoulder and a soft body pressing into my back lightly. Immediately, my mind returned to that night... I had not forgotten her but... the ceremonies have given me little time to think on anything else. Nanami had come in to tell me that the Hall was laid for dinner and that I was expected. I knew I would have to go; even I would not be so crass as to refuse to attend the memorial dinner for Kenta. Oh but I wanted to refuse... Nanami... I blinked slowly as I thought about that some more... could it be that the reason she has been so cold and distant is that it was her in my bed...? Surely not... I glanced down at her hand and it was as if lightning shot through my body. Nanami's nails were as perfectly manicured as a maid's can be. Somehow, I had never noticed Nanami's nails and had thought them to be bitten down to the quick and ragged like mine are unless someone comes in to shape them and paint them. I shuddered suddenly... why would she...? I had never asked Nanami about her romantic life... I had no cause; assuming that she enjoyed the company of men. Perhaps she does not... How am I to bring this up with her...? I cannot see a way to discuss this with her without humilating both of us... 

Dinner was not as hideous as I had imagined it would be. The food was plain and the sticks gave off a light scent of fresh berries which made a very pleasant change from the heavy, floral scent of the funeral cones. There was a koto player in the very corner of the hall plucking a simple tune that floated over the soft hum of conversation and the atmosphere was much more relaxed than it has been. Yuki and Shunya thanked us all for honouring their House and their son and came to each table in turn to offer a few words. Shunya told me that he knew I had been fond of Kenta and thanked me for being a friend to him. I was surprised by that; I wonder if his words would have been quite so kind if they had known I wanted to marry Kenta. I kept my counsel about that and made do with offering them both my condolences. Shigeru sat with Taira, away from his former wife and the rest of her family. I felt my spine prickling as laughter came from their table and I wondered what evil Shigeru was speading about me... Lady Iyo refsued to let me be upset by him and told me that karma would see to him. Who could say when but one day... karma will come for Lord Fallen Sakura and I would be avenged... I attempted a smile and a nod but my mind was taken up with the conversation I must have with Nanami...