Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 29.

I awoke with the taste of blood in my mouth; it has stayed with me since. I cannot rid myself of it. I suppose this is the penance I must do. I have been responsible for executions before and they have not bothered me as this does but I was a different person then. I told my ladies that we would be moving to the Summer House before the week is out and although I expected Nanami to try again to convince me otherwise, I was completely unprepared for her reaction. She threw a tantrum which could have rivalled one of mine. The wall closest to the doors is covered in tea; tiny pieces of the clay which housed it litter the matting at the base of the wall. I had no idea how to respond. I cannot imagine why Nanami is so distressed by the idea of moving to the countryside; she will have far less to do and it will be peaceful and restful. I tried to talk to her about it but she would say nothing other than she thought it was a dreadful idea. Eventually, before storming out of my chamber, she mumbled something about her grandmother but I am afraid that I do not believe a word of it. I asked Atsuko if she knew what ailed Nanami but she did not.
I attended the evening repast in the Hall yesterday and it was as strange as I expected it to be. My Court silks and hair felt heavy but as I cast my eye about the room and noticed the section of brand new matting in front of my platform, I thought that perhaps it was the guilt that weighed down my shoulders and not the clothes. I found it difficult to eat although my appetite has been returning of late but I have never been particularly enamoured of pickled octopus or hake. I could not bring myself to make the effort of calling on the chef to prepare me something different so I ate what I could and left the rest. As I picked at a piece of egg fried with soy sauce and sugar, one of the Ladies of the Court sidled over and knelt on the new matting before me. Her head touching the floor so that I could see the fluttering peony ornament that decorated her chignon, she spoke so quietly that I could hardly hear her at all. I had her move closer to me so that I could hear her and I saw then that it was Izumi, a distant cousin of sorts. I cannot remember the last time we had a conversation; she was always one of Mother's favourites so she was not unknown to me but I could not think what she would have to say that was so important she would dare to interrupt my meal... It was with not a little surprise that I noticed that her make up was streaked by tiny lines where she had clearly been crying. I could not think how to respond to her appropriately and I was not in the mood for another altercation so I just waited, silent while she spoke. When she had finished, there was a lump in my throat so large that I could not speak or breathe and I swallowed several times to try and stop myself from crying but I could not. Rather than appear hysterical in front of the entire Hall, I fled my platform and had one of the maids bring Izumi into my chamber when I had had a chance to calm myself a little.
Izumi had wanted her chance to apologise. She knew, she told me, what had been happening to me. She had brought it up with Mother who had not believed her since Shigeru was still taking his pleasure in her chambers, too. I was sick at that and Izumi stroked back my hair and held my sleeves out of the way. I should have been ashamed, I supposed but in many ways, I am long past that and with Nanami having some sort of conniption somewhere in the House, it seemed easier and less exhausting to let Izumi help me. Thankfully, I did not vomit all over her lilac silks which were particularly pretty with a design of dark blue dahlias and a sash of deep pink; she always did have lovely taste in clothing but I digress. Izumi told me that once Mother died, Itsuki had begun issuing edicts on my behalf and that any attempt to see me had been met with a refusal, supposedly from me. This I had surmised from Atsuko of course, but it was a shock to hear it from a member of the Nobility. It is wonderful to know that I have at least one ally within my own House who is not a member of my staff. I cannot articulate the relief I feel. I have given my permission for Izumi to visit when it pleases her...