Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 28.

Will this... humiliation I feel, ever go away...? I grow increasingly sure with each passing day that what I thought had been kept secret, known only to a few favourites (and Itsuki, of course) has in fact become known to half the Kingdom... Itsuki tells me that I bring shame upon the House with my "continued absences and erratic behaviour" she told me this afternoon that I am not the "first mistress to have been spurned" and that it was high time I returned to my duties and stopped behaving like a spoilt child because if I did not, there would be consequences. Spurned mistress...? Is this what people are saying of me? That I am sulking in my rooms because my married lover rejected me...? That I *asked* for any of this to happen to me...? That I *did* throw myself at him...? If Itsuki thinks to shock me into leaving my rooms, she will be sorely disappointed for I will not. Especially now that the whole world gossips.
His Lordship Broken Rampart paid another visit today - he wished to return the horse Dying Crane had lent him when last he broke his journey and how it is possible, I do not know but this meeting was more of a disaster than the last. I at least started the tea ceremony in a calmer state than I had conducted the last - and managed the small -talk expected of me, but after only a short while, his Lordship began asking questions about Dying Crane and the servants and although I am aware that the ways of Dying Crane are not his ways I was shocked and actually fumbled with the tea whisk, sending it clattering onto the table; an obscene splatter of green droplets of tea marring the pristine bamboo. Horrified I looked up at him as I ruined the Hospitality ceremony. Knowing that I had just given Itsuki the excuse she needed to denounce me at council. It seemed that in that moment, I became undone, I began to shake violently, my body refusing to respond to the signals that my brain sent and when Lord Broken Rampart actually began to clean up the mess, I fairly had an attack of the hysterics. Begging him not to, apologising in babbling rambling torrents that made absolutely no sense at all, even to me. I could see his confusion in his face as he tried to make things right... Seeing my distress, he made towards me in a gesture of placation but I felt frightened, irrational and all of a sudden I was in that room with another; another, who would do me harm as he had before and I couldn't let it happen again, I couldn't.
There followed a period of time for which I cannot account but I found myself in my bed, and the Lord Broken Rampart promising me that he would return the next day. I sensed a pent-up anger within him and I felt shamed again that I had ruined the Hospitality. As soon as he had gone I smoked three pipes successively; inhaling and holding the smoke as long as I could, willing it to soothe me but it did not. And when I had smoked the last of my opium, I vomited violently for a long time. This is becoming a habit. I am frightened. I do not know what to do and I trust no one. Oh... gods... will you not end this. Please.

Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 26.

Will they not just leave me alone?! My chambers are no longer my own. The court officials led, no doubt, by Itsuki have formed some sort of ... timetable... they barge in, like clockwork at certain hours of the day, expecting my seal to be put on papers, or wanting me to make petty decisions, the like of which could easily be made by another. No amount of screaming or tantrum throwing will send them away, they just kneel, impassive until I have done as they wish. Itsuki says that if I do not go to my offices, then my offices will come to me, that no matter what has passed, Dying Crane must continue to operate as usual. She has never been a favourite of mine, it is true - always standing in the way of my decisions and attempting to pursue her own agenda but... I never imagined she could be this cruel. Can she not understand that I just want to be left alone...? Even the opium fails to do its work these days... I find myself smoking twice as much as I used to and still only managing to remain barely calm.
Gods, I hate Itsuki.
Earlier this afternoon she thrust her way into my chamber and told me that I was to serve tea to the Lord of Broken Rampart. A guest from another Kingdom, I suppose, since I do not recall any House of Broken Rampart. I refused, pleading illness, but Itsuki asked me in that *tone* she used to use when I was a teenager if I "was intent on bringing shame to the House of Dying Crane..." I wept, telling her I felt terrible, in no fit state to entertain a foreign envoy and that I would be more likely to bring shame on the House if I Greeted him in this state than if I sent my apologies but Itsuki remained firm. I pulled my blanket over my head and told her that I was the Ruling Lady and I would do as I pleased and Itsuki actually wrenched it from me... and then she told me that if I did not bathe, dress appropriately and present myself to offer Hospitality, then she would bring the visitor to my rooms and I could do it here... I stood immobile while two maids dressed me; dragging the heavy silks over my shoulders and pulling my sash until I couldn't breathe properly. I made not one single sound as my maid pulled the brush through my hair until it shone half-heartedly, a mere shadow of its former glossy self, and there was a time when I would have cared. At last they stopped fussing, fixed some jewels in it and walked me to my antechamber where Itsuki waited.
I had no time to take my pipe before I was frog-marched to Greet the guest and by the time I arrived at the Reception Rooms I was already suffering from that nausea that preludes my desperate need to smoke... His Lordship of Broken Rampart was indeed unknown to me, and could not have looked less like nobility. His hair unkempt and skin unwashed, but what know I of foreign Lords? I attempted small talk, the usual, sleep-inducing stuff of the Courts; weather, the quality of the tea, and all the time, my stomach churning and head reeling. And there came a point when His Lordship seemed to notice something amiss and asking me if I ailed he did move towards me with such suddenness that I startled and backed away hurriedly; before I knew it I had shrieked at him in fear not to touch me. I really think that His Lordship was more shocked than I for he all but leapt backwards. Of course I apologised immediately, murmuring some excuse about the heat making me feel unwell, despite the fact that if anything, it was slightly cold. I could see in the stranger's eyes that he did not believe a word of it but he was gracious and behaved as if nothing were awry. Somehow the tea ceremony was completed and I returned to my rooms, but I do not think I could bear to leave them again and if Itsuki tries to make me, I shall... I shall...

Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 20.

Even my pipe does not soothe me today and I find myself curled up in the corner of my bed-chamber, wrapped in a blanket which fails to keep out the constant chill I feel of late. What little sleep I have come to expect was ravaged by nightmares; vile images of a man whose face and voice changed between Lords Shigeru and Kenta's and that of Hishinuma, seared my brain. I awoke face down on my floor bathed in sweat and felt the urge to vomit violently. Despite there being several hours until dawn, I woke my maid and demanded to be escorted to the bath house. Needless to say that she was less than impressed at being so rudely awakened, but what care I, when I give her so little to do during the day...? Of course she made to summon the servants who ready the water, scattering flower petals and scenting it, and keep the rooms where I change at an appropriate temperature. But I insisted that I needed no one, and once I was satisfied that the place was deserted, I banished even the maid and still attired in my sleeping gown, I waded into the tepid water where I sat furiously scrubbing my skin until it turned an angry shade of red...
I know not how long had passed by the time my maid ventured in but there was such a look of shock on her face that I felt frightened enough to ask what ailed her. She was reticent, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, not wanting to speak out of turn. When I pressed her however, she waded into the bath herself and with gentle hands, she helped me out and led me to the looking glass. I turned away, annoyed, but she stood firm. "My Lady" she said softly "You wanted to know what ailed me - then look at your reflection for that is what ails me." I could not see much amiss as I looked into the glass and said so, telling her imperiously to stop such nonsense or I would have her whipped. For once though, she did not throw herself at my feet and start sniveling, nor did she apologise. Instead, she pulled my hair back from my face and showed me that my collar bone stuck out and where the sopping wet sleeping gown was plastered to my skin, she showed me that my ribs were clearly visible.
"Her Ladyship has never been fat" she said quietly "But if I am to be completely frank, My Lady, you are going to make yourself extremely ill." I opened my mouth to shout at her but before I was able to get a word in edge-ways, she had started again. "Forgive me, My Lady, I say this not to hurt you, but because like the rest of the House, I worry. I understand your... distress of late. Really, I do. But this has gone far enough. Far enough." She continued "It is time for Her Ladyship to put what is past behind her. To forget and move on. It is time you started eating properly and if you will take my advice, stop smoking that pipe." I was so surprised at being spoken to thus, that I had no answer for her and when the maid told me that it was time to dress and start seeing to courtly business, I actually allowed her to lead me into my changing rooms, dry me and dress me without protest...
Later, several of the court officials petitioned me to come to my offices and begin catching up on the business I had been neglecting - inventories, grievances among peasants, maintenance and so on... of course I do not actually *do* these things myself but I must put my seal on them and approve them... It is mind-numbing, it really is... but it must be done. Since the ... incident, I have refused all of my duties saying that I feel too unwell... This morning however, when I did not arrive at my offices, the court officials brought the papers to my rooms... I was so angry, I screamed and shouted and wept for an hour but they refused to leave until I had done the work. I worked my way through a mountain of papers listlessly, not bothering to read most of them, just wanting them to go away. And after what seemed like hours, I managed to get rid of everyone and sank into a restless doze... I felt as if my privacy had been invaded, unsafe and vulnerable. Sleep defeated me once again and I lit my pipe but I was so agitated that it did not have its usual soothing effect and I felt so vexed that I crept into the corner of my rooms where I thought I might feel safer... I may take another pipe and see if a bigger dose of the weed will help me...

Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 4.

Our customs of hospitality forced me to leave my rooms this afternoon and greet a visitor. I had no wish to do so. No wish at all. After the... incident, I insisted that my rooms were moved... I had a new bed brought and replaced the pictures with new ones, nothing to remind me of... what happened. It does not work, of course, but I find some solace in knowing that I need not go back to where I was assaulted. I stayed in here where I felt safe for days on end, afraid that Shigeru had not really gone but waited to take his revenge for having been publicly humiliated by my guards. As the days passed, my fear grew. My maid tells me that I am paranoid and that there is no reason to be afraid... I tell her that I am not afraid, that I merely wish to stay here, and that as Ruling Lady I shall do as I please. She does not believe me, but she cannot argue with me...
My hands trembled violently as I tried to straighten my kimono and I shouted at the maid, reducing her to tears as she fussed with my hair. Since the visitor had been announced as an envoy from Silent Thunder, strict etiquette demanded that I be attired in full court dress to receive them. Reluctantly, I stepped over the threshold, my stomach lurching with fear even as I attempted to appear calm, my knees trembled and I barely managed to stay upright as I made my way to our Reception Rooms. Eventually, after the visitor had been kept waiting an appropriate length of time, I made my entrance, doing my best to appear imperious and distant. As I reached my plinth, I finally looked at the visitor, ready to offer the customary words of greeting, but the words deserted me as I saw that the visitor was none other than Lord Kenta. My hand fluttered at my throat as I looked at him in consternation, unable to say a thing. Had it not been for my maid coming to my rescue and pretending to have brought a message for me, coming and asking in a soft voice if tea should be served, I am sure I should have swooned.
As I knelt opposite him, in a strange parody of our time in that tea house, I made as if everything were normal. Exchanging perfunctory courtesies, offering his lordship sweetmeats and commenting on the weather. When I lifted my tea bowl to my lips, however, my hands trembled more violently and I fumbled with the earthenware. Before I could drop it, his lordship's hands were there; gently taking it from me, setting it on the table. He looked into my eyes and in his own I could see my reflection, ghostly and sickly looking, despite the finery of my attire. I also saw compassion, concern ... and ... something else to which I could not quite put a name.
It seems that word of Lord Shigeru's... impropriety... has reached the other side of the Kingdom. Indeed, according to Lord Kenta, the other Houses each sent envoys to a discussion over what was to be done with Fallen Sakura's disgraced lord. Pale Twilight, Silent Thunder, and Golden Harvest stood together in the opinion that Shigeru should be deposed and imprisoned. White Lake, Shimmering Dawn, and Crying Orchid stood together on the other side of the table, believing that my reputation preceded me and that I had manufactured the entire affair. The other Houses remained unsure and had declined to vote. In short, Shigeru remains the Ruler of his House and nothing will be done unless one of the last Houses has a change of heart... I care for none of this news. It sickens me to think that the rest of the Kingdom is gossiping and prying ... that they *know* what happened to me at all...
And Lord Kenta... Lord Kenta had actually come to ask me if I were all right... to ask me if I ailed too badly... to ask if there were anything to be done by Silent Thunder to aid me in my time of ... difficulty... and I could not bear his kindness... I drew myself up and in my haughtiest manner I told him exactly what he could do with his... aid... I sent him away... it pained me even more than the ... incident itself for my heart felt fit to break as I sent away the one person who would be a friend to me now, but I cannot bear it. I could not bear to have him always pitying me, always walking on egg shells around me, always wondering... but never able to ask... and I could not bear to have him near me, knowing that even were he to wish to bed me, I would become ill at his first touch, even though I like him... even though I ... more.... than like him... because the memory of Shigeru would always be there, lurking in the background...
Lord Kenta left in anger and I do not blame him. And so, I have returned to my rooms and I will take another pipe... perhaps the weed will soothe me...

Year of the Boar, Fourth Month, Day 29.

I was well and truly stoned by the time Lord Shigeru barged into my rooms for the last time... and as well I was - something had angered him. Again, without bothering with the most perfunctory courtesies, he grabbed me by the hair and demanded to know to whom I had been telling tales... Through the glaze of the opium, I gazed back at him, impassive, barely feeling his tightening grip on my hair, wondering what he meant. My lack of response seemed to make him angrier and he shook me, raising his voice and demanding to know how his wife had come to hear about our "arrangement". I laughed faintly at the idea that *I* had been telling anyone about what happens between us - my eyelids growing heavier as the weed dragged me further and further into its grip of sublime disassociation... The Lord of Fallen Sakura lost his temper completely; shouting at me, shaking me, pulling my hair and eventually he took his fists to me, yet still I remained limp and unresponsive which served only to increase his fury. Somewhere in the depths of my dreamy calmness I cried out as I felt something in my face snap, a dull pain, anaesthetised by the weed. From a place far far away, I heard him shouting about needing to teach me a lesson and as he pushed me over a wooden chest and began to use me, I felt myself slipping further and further away.
It seems as though the gods were smiling on me, in their own special, twisted way that night. I do not remember much of it, but my maid tells me that Lord Shigeru made so much noise that several of the guards came running to my rooms and caught him in the act, so to speak. She tells me that the Lord of Fallen Sakura let it be known that I had seduced him... that I had thrown myself on him and begged him to hurt me... but that seeing my bleeding face and lack of coherence, they did not believe him and that he has been disgraced. The court physician kept me drugged for a long time; Lord Shigeru broke my jaw, gave me a black eye, cracked a rib and left bruises all over me and there was .... damage to .... other parts of me... I did not want to talk, I did not want to think, I did not even want to eat. I am better now... in a manner of speaking - at least my body has healed... And though I have not left my rooms in weeks, I think... I may dare to believe that I am safe for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 20.

Unfortunately my presence was required at the talks this afternoon and I was forced to sit across the table from Lord Fallen Sakura and act as though nothing at all had passed between us, as though we were merely two Houses allied with each other, working on ways to cement our "friendship". My stomach refuses to settle, I sat there rigidly, trying to force the image of him pinching and biting from my mind... Lord Shigeru remained impassive, asking for nothing much as I presented him with the usual drawn up agreement between us in which he agrees to protect Dying Crane with his forces, keeping the hordes and bandits from our borders and we offer a ridiculous, token tribute... because both he and I know that the real tribute is my bed... The other Houses believe he protects us out of loyalty to my Mother who was his great... friend... I am sure there are those who believe what is the truth but I wonder if any of them know what he did... Perhaps they would not believe it if I were to tell someone... and really, who could I possibly tell...? What earthly good would it do now? Would it take away the pain I felt, or feel now? Would it make him stop? Would it stop me from feeling humiliated every time I am forced to look at him? I do not believe it would. So I will remain silent and protect my House because if I do not, and Dying Crane falls, I truly will be at the mercy of Lord Shigeru, and who knows what he would do to me without the appearance of propriety to protect me... The only way out is his death... and he is in robust health, his will sees Dying Crane taken care of, so I would be the first suspect if he were to be killed... gods, how did I grow up so very stupid... why did I not tell my Mother the first time he molested me...? If only there *were* a way out... a way for us to pay a proper tribute... perhaps to White Lake or Silent Thunder... switch allegiances... I will think on it, but I must smoke... and try to forget...

Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 19.

Lord Shigeru was extremely drunk by the time he stumbled into my chambers in the early hours of this morning... drunk and offensive. So drunk was he that he did not even bother with the usual courtesies or appeals to my vanity... he simply lurched into my bed and began to grope around in an attempt to disrobe me. It was so late when I retired that I believed I would be safe for one more night, and had not indulged in the usual pipe before an encounter with him... I shudder thinking about what happened without the weed to dull my senses and my memory. If I could go about the diplomatic affairs of the House with as much clarity as I have concerning last night, I am sure Dying Crane would be a much happier, more stable place. Even the dark did not help me - I still feel his hands and mouth about me and the stench of alcohol on his breath sickened me. I wonder if he is as inconsiderate with his wife, the Lady Ryouka... I wonder if she trembles with fear at the very sight of him... I wonder if her stomach turns when he touches her... I wonder if she recoils at his kisses... I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.... Oh.... gods... if you never help me again, please.... please help me now...
I have been called headstrong, stubborn, strong-willed, bull-headed... If I am any of those things, why... why can I not put an end to this...? What care I if Dying Crane dies... and I along with it...? What care I if I have to throw myself upon the mercies of another House...? Kenta is a good man, he would not see me destroyed and neither would Kaede, no matter what has passed between us... I know they would not...so why... why am I so powerless to stop this...? I have been vomiting since he left my rooms at dawn, my stomach lurching every time the memory of him... thrusting and stabbing at my thighs in a clumsy attempt to enter me... and I cannot rid myself of the ... unwashed feeling I have now... though I have bathed, I feel covered in a grimy film that will not lift... I do not remember it ever being this horrible before... but perhaps that is because I do not remember it... I began taking the weed after a riding accident shortly after I became Ruling Lady when I was injured quite seriously, having broken several bones, including some of my ribs... since then I suppose I have been numb to Lord Shigeru's slobbering, I have lain impassive as he has thrust and ground his way to satisfying himself... closing my eyes and allowing the opium to soothe me into a place of dreams... a place where nothing can hurt me, a place of floaty calmness, a place of nothingness...
Oh gods... I must vomit again...

Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 18.

The daily ritual of Court dinner is looming, I wish above all else that I did not have to attend, I really cannot stand it. The Nobles of the House all vying for my attention, making demands, wanting this or that or bringing grievances about each other. As if I care about any of it... The endless falling over each other to gain my favour when all it would really take is for them to leave me alone... They think me aloof, haughty and I.. do not care... I never asked to be put in this position and however much I relished it when I was a girl, I have come to loathe it and everything it stands for... This evening, Dying Crane entertains the Lord and Lady Fallen Sakura again... the middle of a week of diplomatic talks between allies... No doubt Lord Shigeru will find his way to my bedchambers in the dead of night... wanting to paw me and worse... I often wonder if his wife knows... and if she does, what must she think of me...? Can she actually imagine that I enjoy her husband's attentions...? That I have been enjoying them since I was a child who knew no better..? That I *want* him...? The thought of him touching me again makes me nauseous... I shall have to smoke twice my usual dose of opium just to get through the night...
I often ask myself why I still allow him to even set foot in Dying Crane, let alone bed me... and the answer I am forced to give is that it gets me what I want... I pleasure Lord Shigeru and Lord Shigeru protects Dying Crane... Oh, but he makes me sick... and now I shall have to go down to the banquet hall and make eyes at him when he suffocates me with appalling poetry about my legendary beauty ... through the court bard of course, he would never do it openly... the time for that stopped when he married the widowed Lady Ryouka of Crying Orchid for her money... I wonder if she knows that... I really should keep up with the court gossip better... then I would know these things... I do remember that I spent that wedding in the haze of the weed... and that two days before the wedding, Lord Shigeru made his position quite clear... which is *why* I spent the wedding stoned... He hurt me quite badly when I told him I would no longer accept his advances and told me that I *would* or he would see to it that Dying Crane became Dead Crane...
The dinner gong clangs... I must dress... and go...

Year of the Boar, Second Month, Day 27.

I hesitate to use the word "prodigy" about myself, although others have on more than one occasion... At my Mother's insistence, I began plucking the strings of the koto when I was two years old. I found that I liked it but, more than that, that I had a talent for it. More than that I liked, no, loved the attention it afforded me. When my Mother was entertaining, she would make me play for her guests after which I would be passed around from lap to lap, praised and petted and fed sweets from the tips of their fingers until I fell asleep and was carried to bed by one of them... By 5, I had learnt to play Hishinuma's famous koto concerto a piece which many adult musicians cannot play properly, and when he heard of this, Hishinuma himself, came to the castle and demanded to hear me play. When I had finished, he told my Mother that he would assume the duty of teaching me from now on... his lesson were harsh, he would often make me repeat the same phrase over and over again until my wrists ached and my back ached more. It was emotionally demanding as well as physically - Hishinuma expected to get what he asked for, I was to do as he told me and do it correctly or he would simply get up and leave without saying a word. It was not until a good few years had passed that I realised that Hishinuma was protecting me - he was irascible and impatient, he had a foul temper and when he was angered, he would shout and rant and throw things. He did not want to be responsible for destroying a young child and being the cause of her not wanting to play anymore. And for that, I came to love him, although that was not until a long time later...
Even as a tiny child, I knew I was beautiful, all of my Mother's friends would tell me so, and when we went to the bi-annual Kingdom Diplomatic Talks, the Lords and Ladies would always say pretty words about my face and deportment. It was at the Diplomatic Talks that Kenta, Kaede and I met for the first time. I had met the Children of other Houses before but White Lake and Silent Thunder were on the other side of the Kingdom and they were not our allies so we did not socialise with their people. We did not have to attend all of the talks while we were small children but we would have to observe the morning sessions and then attend seminars about them. Kenta and his brother Shunsuke, (who was later killed in a boating accident), Kaede, Taiji of Pale Twilight and his sisters Seira and Aki, Rise and her brother Naoki of Laughing Spider, and Taira of Crying Orchid were all in my class. Of course we all had different things to learn at different ages, so although there were plenty of other Children of the Kingdom at the Talks, because we took classes with our contemporaries, it was they that I spent most time with. Kaede was always the one with the correct answers to all of the tutors' questions, she was the darling of the Diplomats with Kenta not far behind her. I was the one who made them throw their hands up in exasperation, I could not concentrate for long enough to think about the answers to seemingly impossible diplomatic dilemmas. The pitying looks I got from the others might have been enough to make me develop a serious complex, were it not for that fact that after hours when the grown-ups had finished dinner and the other Children had gone to bed- it was I, who would be called upon to play the koto and entertain the adults. It was at one of these informal after dinner "parties" that Shigeru, Lord of Fallen Sakura came into my life. He was a particular friend of my Mother and Fallen Sakura was our main ally so he was no stranger to me, but it was at the Talks that I seemed to see most of him. When I had been passed around and petted and all of the sweets were gone, Shigeru would always have one more, just for me. I spent a lot of time in his lap, enjoying the attention as he pressed kisses which tickled into my neck and cheeks and being fed sugary treats from his fingers. Since I had grown up in his lap, I thought nothing at all of it when on my eleventh birthday, I found myself alone in a matted room with him. He said he had a special present for me and he did not want to make the other Children jealous since he had not brought gifts for them. He presented me with an exquisite lacquer box, inside of which was a miniature koto fashioned from the tusk of a strange beast from the Fifth Kingdom. I loved it, and threw my arms around my neck to thank him but instead of pressing his lips to my cheek, he pressed them to my mouth instead. I did not object, not thinking I had any reason to object, nor did I object when he slid his fingers into the top of my gown and began to stroke my collar bone. And though he hurt me when he lay me on my back and relieved me of my innocence, I did not cry. It was not until a long long while afterward that I understood that I had a reason to cry, and by then, it was much much too late for tears...

Year of the Boar, Second Month, Day 23.

There really is nothing comparable to a fine crop of opium... my one regret is that the climate of my land cannot sustain such a crop - I am forced to attain it at great cost from a merchant who comes here with wares from the 5th Kingdom... I must admit it has long been my desire to travel there and learn of their secrets, see if there is some way to cultivate the weed here... but as Ruling Lady, my travels are restricted to the Ninth Kingdom... especially since as yet, I have no heir... I cannot imagine how I would survive the boredom of daily life in this castle were it not for the opium... as I breathe it in, feeling the warm smoke fill my lungs, relaxing me... making everything seem fluffy and light... I do not know how I would cope...
It really is mind-numbing; I am supposed to see to the running of the House but honestly, there is little to do... of course, the occasional infidel to deal with but other than that... I tire of embroidery and serving tea and chattering with the ladies of the court... I have used nothing of what I learnt at school, I play the koto to amuse myself but recently I have found even that does not please me the way it once did... In fact, since returning home from the rigid confines of schooling and tuition, I find there are so many more hours in the day than I care for. I have taken to rising at noon, taking breakfast in my room and then visiting my horses for a while.. ah.. my horses... beautiful creatures, but these days even they cannot hold my attention for long... and then to my rooms to enjoy my pipe...
The girls with whom I went to school are with the exception of one, all married. Of course most of them are not of the Ruling class, so finding husbands was much easier for them, nor did they have to do four years of extra tuition at the School of Monarchical Precision as did those of us who *do* belong to the Ruling class... And even were I to have found a mate among my contemporaries, I would not be allowed to marry another who would Rule... Although a few do, managing two Houses from one location would simply be so...difficult... The exception I spoke of being, of course, Silent Thunder's ridiculous progeny, Kaede. I simply cannot understand what Lord Kenta sees in her. Granted, she is pretty... but *I* have always been hailed as beautiful... she is skilled in archery but what man cares for that?! And she clearly has the brain of a small insect for what other reason could there be to make such a stupid mistake as she did. And now His Lordship moons over her, his prized slave and he shall never be able to take her for his wife. If only he would look my way, still while the Kingdom believes the worst of me and my morals, Lord Kenta might kiss and fondle me in order to make his love jealous, but he will not look upon me as a serious prospect. But, oh, I want him. I want *him* and then there is the fact that Silent Thunder would make the perfect ally for Dying Crane and while Kaede was Ruling Lady that was never to happen. We have hated each other since first we met as children. Perhaps I should rephrase, I hated her. For she had everything that I did not, and even though I was without a doubt more beautiful and more accomplished, that brought its own trials. Kaede had a Mother who loved her and who never left her alone in crowded rooms to "entertain" her men friends... I will think on this for perhaps if Lord Kenta were to come to view me with affection, I might really develop a decent ally for Dying Crane... but more of that another time... the weed does its work and I tire....

Year of the Boar, Second Month, Day 21.

Opium and a long journey by road apparently, do not mix well. By the time my party and I were a quarter of our way back to Dying Crane, having attended the bi-annual Kingdom Diplomatic Talks, I had begun to feel horribly sick. I tried to sleep but the swaying of my litter made me want to vomit. Obviously, I would have waited until we arrived home, but the journey from Pale Twilight takes three days if one stops at an inn overnight and a full day if one really pushes the horses. The Talks were exhausting. I was delighted when they were over and as soon as I could leave without completely breaking protocol, I put my seal to the relevant papers and ordered the servants to get us gone. Naturally several of the other Rulers protested my rudeness, but they had not been forced to receive Lord Shigeru of Fallen Sakura in their chambers until the early hours. In any case, as soon as my party was safely out of the Castle grounds, I lit my pipe... my hand shook as it had been longer than I usually wait between pipes but the weed began to soothe me fairly quickly and until we hit that rough stretch of road just North of Pale Twilight and the my litter began to sway violently, I felt tired but not too ill. A short while after that and I was begging the servants to find us somewhere to break our journey. During the night, it became apparent that it was not merely motion sickness which assailed me and I found myself bedridden with a stomach upset - I should not have been surprised, I suppose - Lord Masaru has always had a penchant for serving unusual and experimental cuisine - I remember my Mother complaining about it even when I was a child. Thankfully the Talks are not often at Pale Twilight.
When I was sufficiently recovered to rise from my sick bed but not yet well enough to travel, I took a turn around the lake behind the inn and there I found the most delightful Tea House. Seeking to partake of the weed, I slipped inside hoping for privacy, only to find Lord Kenta. Since he has not yet Risen, he was not present at the table during the Talks and I had not spoken to him all week. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. That he was in foul humour was evident from his posture, and the look of thunder upon his face. He appeared to be serving tea and courtesy demanded that he asked me to join him, and that I accept. Despite the fact that neither of us really wished to share tea with the other, I knelt opposite the table and waited for him to pour. Naturally I asked him if something ailed him, expecting the usual courtesies in response and I was somewhat flummoxed when he turned those slate coloured eyes of his upon me and told me that all was not well at White Lake. My heart sank as he began to confide what looked like it could be an endless tale of how his Mother, the Lady Yuki and his father, Lord Shunya, did not approve of his liaison with Lady Kaede and had forbidden him to see her. Lady Kaede had also broken her journey at the inn and a few nights ago, there had been an... incident.
My mind reeled as Lord Kenta kept talking, the smooth tones of the South in his accent soothing me even as he told me of his distress. I became transfixed and felt a strange stirring deep within me. As he told me of Kaede's stupidity in posing for a portrait in public dressed in very little, and of the following quarrel, I felt my cheeks heating up and my breath growing short. I found that I could not concentrate on his tale, only on his voice and his eyes as he spoke. Kaede had proposed, he said, and he had been forced to refuse. That got my attention. Silent Thunder, as a Matriarchal House like mine, has some archaic laws designed to prevent starry-eyed girls from proposing marriage to unsuitable men and by doing just that and being refused, Kaede had actually forfeited her House to Lord Kenta. I was stunned. Silent Thunder now belonged to White Lake. Kaede and her entire House enslaved to Lord Kenta... The stupidity of it astounded me. Kaede had always been so clever as a child, as had Kenta, I wondered how either of them had come to this. My hands trembled as I brought my tea to my lips and as I drank of the cup, I felt another wave of nausea wash over me suddenly as my stomach rebelled. Lord Kenta stopped talking abruptly, enquiring as to my health. I felt myself grow pale as I fought the urge to vomit. Haltingly, I explained what had brought me to the inn and begged his indulgence in excusing me. Rising, I made for the door, only to find myself scooped up in his lordship's arms. "Allow me to escort you to your rooms, My Lady" he murmured. "I would not have you become unwell out here."
The following evening, I seemed to be recovered and I ventured to the common room of the Tavern to arrange for a few supplies to be added to my luggage and I ran into Lord Kenta again. Courtesy demanded I thank him for his attentions the previous day, to which Lord Kenta's response was to ask me if I should like to share tea with him again, he had had another quarrel with Kaede, who did not seem to be adjusting to her new status awfully well. As we made our way to take tea, Lord Kenta asked me if I would mind giving the impression that I was romantically involved with him - he wanted to teach Kaede a lesson. I saw no reason to demur, especially since I have never been fond of her and thought that Lord Kenta's attentions could hardly be worse than Lord Fallen Sakura's.
I have been pacing around my quarters for several hours now, thinking on that turn of events, I played my part, making eyes at Lord Kenta, ignoring Kaede, acting every inch the pampered bitch that the rest of the Kingdom believes me to be. Why on earth did I not just tell him to fight his own battles, or just say no to tea...? Instead I find myself smitten with a man who only has eyes for another. He stopped short of taking me to his bed in an attempt to make Kaede realise what she had done, but he kissed me most thoroughly and his caresses were so unlike that of Lord Shigeru that I almost found myself... enjoying... his attentions... He was so gentle, so considerate... I did not know that the act between a man and a woman could be so... so... tender... Still, I must rid my mind of him, I cannot have him, and I must keep Lord Shigeru happy or lose his protection...

Year of the Boar, Second Month, Day 20.

There are those who describe me as spoilt, those who describe me as pampered, as a despot, as vindictive. And those who merely describe me as thoroughly unpleasant. Perhaps some of them are right... perhaps they all are. I shall tell my story and any who read it may decide for themselves. I take no responsibility for being pampered or spoilt, I hardly decided to spoil myself... *that* was the work of others. In any case, I am not too interested in how others describe me, or see me, so long as my wishes are carried out. I am a Lady of the Ninth Kingdom - I do what I must and if others get in my way... well.... I deal with it. Callously, some have said with indifference, I have ...dealt with several of my enemies, several who have threatened my House. Swiftly, cleanly and without question. Some have lost their heads, others have been disemboweled, but they are gone. They will threaten my House no longer. It is not without some pride that I tell you that there has never been another to rise to power as young as I did. Granted, fortune had a lot to do with that - it was not a choice I made, nor would I have made if it had meant my Mother living longer. But that is old news and 13 Summers I had when I Rose to Ruling Lady... A Regent would have been appointed had I only 12, and she would have Ruled until I reached my majority, but at 13, the scrolls say, a Lady can Rule herself. And as a little girl who had just lost her Mother, who could refuse me anything...? And they did not. Servants I did not like were quietly removed to other parts of the Castle, or dismissed... our House was the first in the Ninth Kingdom to acquire a stable full of beautiful horses even though in our lands we do not travel by horse. And I, I ate sweets from morning til dusk, it is a wonder that I did not become obese... and my wardrobe was of the finest silk to be had in the Seventh Kingdom... the envy of the Ninth since we are close to the borders of the Seventh and trade is free... other Houses are not so fortunate... I shall continue in a while... for now.. my pipe awaits and I must smoke it ere the symptoms set in again...