Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 2.

Nanami still refuses to speak to me other than to say that I should not go. Atsuko insists that I should and the Diplomats say I should prepare myself for the Talks; they seem to have decided that they have overreacted to Shigeru's letters and that there is no real threat. How little they know. I wish I had not decided to distrust Izumi; I so need a confidante. She is not to be trusted though, I know it. My hands have been trembling this morning as they have not in quite some time and I feel sick again. I am so tired of all of this. I have decided to send Chiyo for some weed. I need to feel that warm calmness overwhelm me and blur all my anxieties at least until I remove myself to the Summer House in any case. No doubt Nanami will have some sort of fit but it is I who Rule this House and not my staff so I shall do as I please. Speaking of Chiyo, I must remember to find out how her reading lessons are progressing... I must also make a list of everything I wish to take to the Summer House and in the mean time... I shall try to think of a way to trap Izumi...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 1.

The Diplomats arrived this morning and tried again to persuade me that I should attend the Talks at the end of the month. I simply cannot understand them. It was not so long ago that they were concerned enough about Shigeru's threats that they wished me to retire to the Summer House and today they think I should travel to Crying Orchid to be in a room with him... Sometimes, I think that they are deliberately trying to torment me... naturally, I have refused to attend the Talks. They may send a scroll or not send a scroll, I do not care. I will not go. I cannot. Since they have been in, I have been out of sorts... I cannot rid myself of the image of his face leering at me... Izumi's visit too, has stirred up more unpleasant memories. Three hours in the Bath house was not enough to rid myself of the feeling of him on my skin. Nanami is still angry over my intended move and will not speak to me without snapping. I could slap her for it, I suppose, or send her to work in the kitchen but no one can look after me properly like she does... Perhaps she will tell me what bothers her in time... Atsuko tells me that I should appoint a new Chief Diplomat or at least an adviser but I feel reluctant... how could I ever trust anyone in Itsuki's position...?

Izumi arrived as I was dressing for the evening meal, ostensibly to walk with me to the Hall and chat... I have no way of knowing what she is about; she seems so false to me now but could it just be that I suspect she has ulterior motives...? Could she just want to reconnect with me...? I wish I could remember some sort of argument between Izumi and Mother or a particular closeness before Mother died but I cannot. I can remember nothing except things I wish I could forget... 

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 30.

I did not sleep well; I spent most of the night lying awake trying to make sense of Izumi's story. Weeks ago, I may have taken it at face value and simply accepted her gesture of friendship but now that my mind is clear, I can see gaping holes in the tale she told me yesterday... I can understand the serving staff having been intimidated by Ituski and her lies but why should a Noble have accepted what she said? Not just any member of the Nobility either, a member of my own family... Why would Izumi not have simply insisted that she be allowed into my rooms if she were concerned about me...? What bothered me more though, was that she said she had known what Shigeru had been doing... How could she possibly have known... and if she had, and if she had really told Mother... why would she not have kept trying to make Mother believe the truth...? These thoughts rolled around in my mind keeping me from sleep until I was so agitated that I threw back my quilts and went to sit on the veranda with Crystal. The moon sat low in the inky sky; the garden looked eerie in the soft, yellow light but strangely, I did not feel afraid. Rather, I felt comforted; as if the moon were somehow protecting me in her closeness. I suppose I must have fallen asleep at some time because that is where Chiyo found me when she came to feed and water the bird.
I took my time bathing and dressing this morning; I felt sluggish and there was a knot in my stomach. I dressed simply in heavy cotton rather than silk, the under layers felt warmer than silk and I was comfortable; until Izumi arrived. I had not expected her to visit quite so soon and the fluttering in my stomach grew more insistent as I watched her kneel on the other side of my tea table. She wore amber silk this morning, with a black crane print and a blue sash. They looked pristine although they did not suit her... I found myself transfixed by the pins in her hair which looked like bizarre, flowery bubbles. I imagine that they are the new fashion but they are hideous... The tea cup barely touched her lips as she sipped and I struggled to act as though nothing ailed me; convinced more with each quarter stick that Izumi was up to no good. Eventually, I managed to ask her how she knew what was happening to me and when she told me, I knew without doubt that she was lying. Why she lied, I have no clue but no doubt Nanami will have some sort of theory.  Izumi looked surprised when I questioned her and said that I had told her myself. She had heard me crying as she walked past the doors to my bedchamber; I did not have an ante-chamber when I was a child and like most of the other bedrooms, the sliding doors opened straight onto a long corridor with a wooden floor.  She had slid open the door and seen me huddled up in my bed, sobbing. When she took me into her lap and asked why I cried, apparently I had told her what "Uncle" Shigeru had done. I have absolutely no recollection of that ever happening... it is not unlikely that I have forgotten such an exchange but I know that Izumi lies because I never cried. Not once. There was no reason for me to cry; while I was still a little girl, I would be given sweets and Shigeru would tell me how pretty I was. Shigeru hated tears in any case; they would have served only to make things much worse for me, I am sure. Izumi's tale of what happened when she approached Mother is even stranger. She told me that when she spoke to Mother of what Shigeru was doing, Mother slapped her face and sent her away, refusing to accept the truth. After that, she had banished Izumi from her inner circle and so Izumi had never tried to broach the subject again, choosing instead to keep it to herself and try to watch over me.
It was very difficult to keep my face straight. Absolutely none of what she says is true and none of it makes any sense at all... Mother might well have slapped Izumi and sent her away if Izumi had told her tale but Mother's jealousy had no bounds. The mere mention that Shigeru was in my bed, however unfounded, would have sent her into a paroxysm of rage and it would have been directed at me. Even if any of that were true - Ituski has not been running my affairs for weeks; if Izumi's concern was genuine, why has she waited until now to try to see me and why the Banquet Hall? Why not simply come to my ante-chamber and ask to see me...? I can only conclude that Izumi has some ulterior motive and I must tread carefully if I am to find out what it is...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 29.

I awoke with the taste of blood in my mouth; it has stayed with me since. I cannot rid myself of it. I suppose this is the penance I must do. I have been responsible for executions before and they have not bothered me as this does but I was a different person then. I told my ladies that we would be moving to the Summer House before the week is out and although I expected Nanami to try again to convince me otherwise, I was completely unprepared for her reaction. She threw a tantrum which could have rivalled one of mine. The wall closest to the doors is covered in tea; tiny pieces of the clay which housed it litter the matting at the base of the wall. I had no idea how to respond. I cannot imagine why Nanami is so distressed by the idea of moving to the countryside; she will have far less to do and it will be peaceful and restful. I tried to talk to her about it but she would say nothing other than she thought it was a dreadful idea. Eventually, before storming out of my chamber, she mumbled something about her grandmother but I am afraid that I do not believe a word of it. I asked Atsuko if she knew what ailed Nanami but she did not.
I attended the evening repast in the Hall yesterday and it was as strange as I expected it to be. My Court silks and hair felt heavy but as I cast my eye about the room and noticed the section of brand new matting in front of my platform, I thought that perhaps it was the guilt that weighed down my shoulders and not the clothes. I found it difficult to eat although my appetite has been returning of late but I have never been particularly enamoured of pickled octopus or hake. I could not bring myself to make the effort of calling on the chef to prepare me something different so I ate what I could and left the rest. As I picked at a piece of egg fried with soy sauce and sugar, one of the Ladies of the Court sidled over and knelt on the new matting before me. Her head touching the floor so that I could see the fluttering peony ornament that decorated her chignon, she spoke so quietly that I could hardly hear her at all. I had her move closer to me so that I could hear her and I saw then that it was Izumi, a distant cousin of sorts. I cannot remember the last time we had a conversation; she was always one of Mother's favourites so she was not unknown to me but I could not think what she would have to say that was so important she would dare to interrupt my meal... It was with not a little surprise that I noticed that her make up was streaked by tiny lines where she had clearly been crying. I could not think how to respond to her appropriately and I was not in the mood for another altercation so I just waited, silent while she spoke. When she had finished, there was a lump in my throat so large that I could not speak or breathe and I swallowed several times to try and stop myself from crying but I could not. Rather than appear hysterical in front of the entire Hall, I fled my platform and had one of the maids bring Izumi into my chamber when I had had a chance to calm myself a little.
Izumi had wanted her chance to apologise. She knew, she told me, what had been happening to me. She had brought it up with Mother who had not believed her since Shigeru was still taking his pleasure in her chambers, too. I was sick at that and Izumi stroked back my hair and held my sleeves out of the way. I should have been ashamed, I supposed but in many ways, I am long past that and with Nanami having some sort of conniption somewhere in the House, it seemed easier and less exhausting to let Izumi help me. Thankfully, I did not vomit all over her lilac silks which were particularly pretty with a design of dark blue dahlias and a sash of deep pink; she always did have lovely taste in clothing but I digress. Izumi told me that once Mother died, Itsuki had begun issuing edicts on my behalf and that any attempt to see me had been met with a refusal, supposedly from me. This I had surmised from Atsuko of course, but it was a shock to hear it from a member of the Nobility. It is wonderful to know that I have at least one ally within my own House who is not a member of my staff. I cannot articulate the relief I feel. I have given my permission for Izumi to visit when it pleases her...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 27.

I cannot sleep. I had been sleeping somewhat better of late; I had started to feel as though even if I were not safe, there were those here who would protect me. Now, each time I close my eyes and try to sleep, I see the spray of Itsuki's blood as the Guard severed her head and the sightless glaze over her eyes as her head rolled stone-like on the matting before me. Even from the grave, she mocks me. I allowed myself to recall some of the things she did and I felt anger bubble up inside me until I could barely breathe. Naturally, I have forbidden any kind of funeral and there will be no Diplomat's burial for her. I hope that the wolves devour even her bones... She knew what Shigeru was doing and she could have stopped him... she could could have told me that Hishinuma was dead and she did not... My hate for has increased ten-fold since her execution and I do not know why I am allowing myself to dwell upon her any more... She is gone and unless she decides to haunt me, she will not be back.
I have decided to go to the Summer House. Nanami is behaving very strangely about it but will say nothing other than she is concerned about the House. I have discussed it with Atsuko which may be why Nanami is upset but in any case, a change of scenery may do me good. I have not felt capable of making such a decision in so long that the very fact I have made it makes me feel almost... good. I will take Nanami and Chiyo but Atsuko will stay here and keep the House running properly. A few maids and one of the under-chefs will accompany me; I do not intend to announce to the House that I am going. My sudden disappearance from the Hall at the evening meal may seen as odd but I do not suppose that any one will give much consideration to it; I have been absent for so long as it is...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 25.

I spoke to Atsuko and Nanami earlier; it was no help. Atsuko is of the opinion that I should move to my Summer House immediately. She says the Autumn chill will not have reached the coast yet and that when it does, the walls can be insulated with hangings and we can build fires. She says that having a skeleton staff will do me no harm and that it would be far easier to defend the smaller House. Nanami firmly believes  that my place is here and that moving to the Summer House would be an admission of some sort of guilt and an act of cowardice not befitting a Lady of Dying Crane. She behaved mostly oddly, her manner was almost... furtive. I have no idea quite why she should be so adamant that I remain at the House; I would have imagined that Atsuko would be the one to try and make sure I remain at the House...
I do not know what to do... I have been thinking more about giving Shigeru what he wants... I do not think I can do it; the thought of even being in the same room as him makes my skin crawl and the thought of allowing him to touch me ... I cannot... I cannot... Perhaps there are some scouts who could be sent out to try and discover Shigeru's whereabouts... In the meantime, I must attend the evening meal in the Hall...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 24.

There is no going back now that I have had Itsuki killed. I will have to attend the evening meal daily or lose face completely.  On the other hand, it may be better that way. I could retire to my Summer House and let Shigeru find me there; accept whatever happens. It is evident from my experience in the Hall that life at Dying Crane will continue as usual whether I am here or not. If I give Shigeru what he wants, he will see that the House does not die. Perhaps if I gave it without protest, he would be less inclined to exert his will.  Perhaps I could learn to bear it again as I did when the promise of a lollipop if I pleased him was enough to make me behave. It was only when I began to resist his advances that he started to use force... Perhaps... perhaps... perhaps...
If only Broken Rampart were here; he would advise me... I talked to him of Shigeru once. Only once; the anger I saw in his face frightened me so I kept the rest to myself. He told me that he was angry for me, not because of me but I could not understand the difference then so I said nothing else about it. In any case, I had already told him too many other things. Perhaps if I had told him everything about how it all made me feel, he would not have gone. Then again, it may have sent him running for the Borders faster than his horse could have carried him...
I will speak to Nanami and Atsuko about the Summer House and see if they think the Diplomats are right... whatever their answer, things cannot continue in the way they have been... I simply cannot go on...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 23.

I see so little point in anything these days... I do not know why I continue to fight the darkness. It occurred to me this morning that I could send Chiyo for a supply of opium. The merchants who supply it are fairly easy to find... I have had several opportunities to get what I so desperately want and yet I have not... I do not know why that should be. If I could have a pipe, I would stop trembling, I would stop fretting and the fear would be gone and yet... still, I fight the urge.
Yesterday was terrible.
There is no word that would do as well to describe it. Atsuko and Nanami seemed to have got over whatever it was that was between them and they decided between them that it was high time I went about the House. I have hidden myself away for far too long, apparently. The court needs to know that I am alive and well and capable. Capable of what, I did not bother to ask... I have argued with Nanami many times about leaving my chamber and what happened in the gardens a few days ago served only to prove that I am right. I do not wish to feel that panic again and if I am seen about the House, no doubt word will get to Fallen Sakura which Shigeru will see as an open invitation...
Naturally, Atsuko pointed out the flaws in my objections and between the two of them, they managed to dress me in my House silks and drag me into the Banquet Hall for the evening repast. I had no idea what to do... all these weeks... months... years... the Court has simply continued on as usual.
Musicians played softly in a corner while the Nobles of the House sat eating and the sound of their conversation was but a low hum beneath the music; chopsticks clattered against crockery and high-pitched laughter seemed to float on the notes of the koto as the player plucked at the strings and every so often, a louder burst of laughter would punctuate the gentler noises.  Serving staff lined the Hall, kneeling in uniform kimono of navy blue cotton; each pristine and embroidered with a silver version of my seal, their hair in immaculate braids. They took turns to slip out of their space and clear dishes and fill glasses, seeing to those dining before they even knew they needed something. Women wore scarlet paint on their lips and on their nails, their silks were patterned with bright flowers. All of it looked just as it had the last time I took my meal in the Hall; frozen in time as if none of them had ever moved from where they knelt.   None of them appeared to have a care in the world. It was surreal. I felt as if I were high on the weed; lightheaded and displaced.
I saw no reason to go into the Hall; it was not as if I wished to eat anything but as I turned to leave and return to my chamber, I felt a hand on each of my elbows and found myself being propelled to the table on my platform. As I reached it and made to kneel, there was a corporate gasp and the room fell completely silent. There could be no doubt at all as to who I was; no one else would ever dare to wear House silks or have their hair styled in the ridiculous ladder of knotted braids that is customary for the Ruling Lady of Dying Crane. Even without the make-up, the entire Hall knew I was there... and they stared. I felt panic rise in my chest and my breath caught in my throat; I felt like a small animal caught by a hunter, trapped in a bizarre stand-off between me and the Court until Atsuko appeared with a tray of food for me. I had not even realised that she had gone but her arrival broke the tension and the Hall returned to its meal as if nothing had happened.
But it had happened and as I picked at the baked egg in front of me, I heard snatches of whispered conversations... most of them filthy and vindictive; all of them concerning me and what I had or had not been doing with half the Kingdom. I suppose I cannot blame anyone for thinking ill of me, it is not as if I have ever tried to defend myself, or indeed behave in a reasonable manner. If only it had all stopped there. If only I had simply finished the egg and slipped from the Hall to the bath house and then my bed... if only... I find myself writing that a lot these days...
I was taking a sip of tea, my fingernails keeping the small cup balanced as is the tradition when I caught sight of something, I should say someone, at the edge of the Hall. It was all I could do to keep myself from spitting... I stood abruptly, spilling the tea as the cup fell from my fingertips. There, among the lines of  servers, I saw her. I thought to run but my knees were weak. My mouth worked but not a sound came from my throat and as our eyes met, I saw her lips curve into a smug, knowing smile. Itsuki... she has been within my walls all this time. I had my suspicions, of course but I have been fretting so much over Shigeru that I allowed myself to believe that she was gone... There was absolutely nowhere for me to turn. Neither Atsuko nor Nanami had even noticed yet in that instant I was filled with a fury so great that it eclipsed all rational thought. I knew what I must do and that if I had not the strength, I would be haunted forever by the sight of that self-satisfied smile...
I pressed my lips together, angrier still as I felt tears pricking my eyes. I brought my arm up slowly, pointing in Itsuki's direction and my voice sliced through the noise of the Hall like a knife. "Bring her to me. Now!" My skin crawled as I felt the sudden turn of all of their eyes as they fell silent about the room... It hurt to breathe and I almost lost my nerve but the thought of Itsuki knowing that I had tried and failed to subdue her was enough to frighten me into continuing.  Time seemed to stop momentarily but it resumed as soon as Itsuki rose and wandered towards me, arrogant even in her lowly server's garb. She actually mounted the two steps up to my platform where she stood directly in front of me smiling archly. I swallowed hard and took a tiny step backwards but it was enough for her. She grinned then, raising her hand and bringing it to my hair. "Nice" she said "I expect the Lord of Fallen Sakura enjoys getting his fingers tangled in these braids. It's been a while since you bothered with this... " her fingers gripped the heavy kanzashi that weighted the bottom of the arrangement and for a moment, I believed that she would pull it from my hair and drive it into my neck. I had forgotten how much I feared her and could not move at all. The Hall erupted in a cacophony of gasps from some and laughter from others. It seemed as though I stayed there for an eternity waiting to meet death at the hands of my former aide. I did not hear them come in but the arrival of two armoured Guards caused the noise in the Hall to swell to unbearable proportions.
I raised a hand to my forehead and as I did, the men moved to grip Itsuki between them and I jumped as they shouted that they awaited my orders. Itsuki actually laughed and it was then that my fury returned. "She has committed treason." I told them. "She has done unspeakable things and I have allowed it to happen because I knew no better. But I do know better now and she must pay for her crimes." The armour clanked as my men dragged Itsuki from the platform and were about to pull her from the Hall when I was overcome with rage; I shouted to them to stop. My voice was shrill as I let the entire Court know my orders. Hands on her shoulders pushed Itsuki to her knees but I did not look at her as I nodded sharply at the Guard to her right.
The sword sang as he drew it and Itsuki had no chance to protest before it removed her head from her shoulders. Droplets of blood landed on my cheeks and lips as the sudden spray drenched my silks and everything close to us.  A sticky sheen covered everything and locks of Itsuki's hair drifted on the air; suspended there while her head fell onto the matting with a sickening thud. Blood poured from the gaping wound of her neck, spewing onto the floor and as if she hovered between life and death, her body took several seconds to follow it, squelching as it sank onto the pool of her blood. The screaming was unbearable and it was several minutes before I realised that it was my voice I heard. Servants scrabbled around, ushering Nobles from the Hall and I ... simply sank into comforting, grey oblivion.
I have been trembling since I awoke and I cannot rid myself of the coppery taint of blood that seems to have settled on my skin. I thought I would feel relieved but I just feel sick and afraid...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 21.

Traders arrived from the Sixth Kingdom today; there was a time when I would have been delighted to peruse their silks and ornaments made from animal horns, when I would have cooed ecstatically over their sweets and hair sticks but I could not even bring myself to see what they had brought. I told Nanami and Atsuko that they could choose whatever they liked and buy something nice for Chiyo, too but I did not leave my chamber. I sat on my veranda instead, wishing the leaves would turn suddenly so there was something to see. Of course they did not for that is not how it happens; they turn so slowly one does not even notice until the day one realises that in fact, they are all golden red. The bird chirped occasionally, hopping between the perches in her cage, pecking at the seed we feed her and splashing from time to time in the tiny bath she has. She really does seem perkier since Nanami has come home but I feel as though I am sinking ever deeper into a pit of the blackest night... I slept last night for the first time in several days but I was haunted by nightmares the like of which I have not experienced in some weeks... Shigeru, of course... only... when I looked up at him, it was not Shigeru I saw. I shudder to recall it all now, dreams that seem crystal clear whilst one experiences them become fogged and hazy in the light of day and so I cannot be sure what I dreamt in any case; only that I awoke sweating and barely able to breathe. The Diplomats are still trying to convince me to take refuge in my Summer residence but Shigeru knows where it is and it is the first place he would look should he come here and find me gone. If I run, I must go somewhere he would never look and that would mean leaving Dying Crane until Shigeru was dead. I do not know if I can bring myself to do that... The Diplomats seem to think that if he came here and found me gone, he would return to Fallen Sakura but they do not know him. It is not they who have been pursued by him since childhood and it is not they who have suffered his violence... If only I had not burnt my bridges with Kenta... If only Broken Rampart had not gone... If only...